A garden enclosed is my sister, my spouse; a spring shut up, a fountain sealed.
Song of Solomon 4:1
Wives were created to be gardens, places of beauty and rest, rich with the fragrance of ripening fruit and blooming flowers, cool with shade and bubbling springs, mysterious, exotic, delights to their husbands’ souls. If you’re married, then you are your husband’s garden. The question is, what kind of garden are you going to be?
A wife is supposed to be a “garden enclosed,” not a public park. She’s locked up, private, a secret. There’s a wall around this garden that keeps it only for one person. That wall is modesty.
But right away there’s a problem. How can we women be both beautiful for our husbands, and yet “enclosed,” not available for other men to enjoy? This is a more challenging multitasking problem than cooking dinner while holding the baby, stopping a fight, and talking to your mother on the phone. It’s incredibly difficult to be both a good gardener and a good stone mason. An awful lot of women seem to only be able to do one or the other.
First, there are some women who only know how to be gardeners. They spend all their time perfecting their landscaping, pulling weeds, fertilizing, and then put up a little, rickety fence, or maybe just a “Private: Keep Out” sign in the form of a wedding ring. These women are incredibly beautiful and sexual, and everyone knows it. Their husbands are usually very happy with their appearance, but “gardener” women give a lot of other men a terrible time. Whether they know it or not, as they go through life, countless men are having picnic lunches out under their peach trees. And that’s not a good thing. Because, as most of us know, if a man lusts after a woman, he’s committed adultery with her in his heart.
Matthew 5:28 But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart.
I’ve heard so many complaints from godly men who have struggled desperately to keep their eyes on a woman’s face and not her body so beautifully revealed, just inches below, so they can get through the conversation as quickly as possible and flee the scene. And these were some of the strongest Christian men I know. I can only imagine what lesser men would do when faced with plunging necklines, tiny skirts, and other attractive tools of the gardening trade.
Often when people bring up the modesty issue, women are quick to point out that it’s not their fault if men sin by lusting after them. And while this is technically true, I often wonder if these women really understand how hardwired men are to feel aroused when they see women’s bodies. It’s a bit like inviting an alcoholic to a party with an open bar, and then saying it wasn’t your fault he got drunk. Of course, it wasn’t your “fault,” but you clearly weren’t making any effort to help the guy, either. We women will never know how many men have had mental affairs with us, but I, for one, would like it to be as few as possible. The answer is to put a wall around our gardens, to dress modestly.
This can be easier said than done. Modesty is a continuum and it is somewhat cultural. But we don’t get to throw up our hands, despair that we can’t figure it out, and then give up entirely. The Bible doesn’t give hard and fast rules about it, yet we are commanded to dress modestly.
1Timothy2:9-10 In like manner also, that women adorn themselves in modest apparel, with shamefacedness and sobriety; not with braided hair, or gold, or pearls, or costly array. But (which becometh women professing godliness) with good works.
When we’re out in the world, we need to be drawing attention to our Lord and our devotion to him, not to how much fun it would be to take a mental stroll down our garden paths.
Some women get thoroughly convinced of the wisdom of all this and become the second group, women who only work on being stone masons. They erect walls around their gardens fifty feet high, thirty feet thick, with missile launchers on every corner. But when their husbands venture through the massive wooden gates, all they find inside is patchy, half-dead grass. These women are very modest, and only about as much trouble to men as a padlocked liquor cabinet is to an alcoholic. If he really wants to get drunk, he can pick the lock, but that requires effort on his part. The honest souls can make it through the evening sober. But, unfortunately, so can these ladies’ husbands, the men who are actually supposed to be intoxicated with their love.
What these ladies miss is that the reason that modesty is so important is not because immodesty is nasty and evil, but because of what immodesty does to men: it makes them feel wonderful. The problem is not the wonderful feeling. The problem is where it’s coming from. God has ordained that men are supposed to enjoy their wives, and no one but their wives. It’s not enough for a man to simply save sex for his wife, the old, “It doesn’t matter where I work up an appetite as long as I go home for supper” excuse. Men aren’t even supposed to be getting those lovely, warm, ravishing feelings from other women. But they are supposed to have them. You want your husband having picnic lunches under your peach trees and taking mental strolls down your garden paths as often as possible.
Proverbs 5:15-20 Drink waters out of thine own cistern, and running waters out of thine own well. Let thy fountains be dispersed abroad, and rivers of waters in the streets. Let them be only thine own, and not strangers’ with thee. Let thy fountain be blessed: and rejoice with the wife, of thy youth. Let her be as the loving hind and pleasant roe; let her breasts satisfy thee at all times; and be thou ravished always with her love. And why wilt thou, my son, be ravished with a strange woman, and embrace the bosom of a stranger?
And so we come to a sort of double life, one public, one private, a wall, and a garden. Your husband needs time to enjoy his garden, and that can take a little extra effort on your part. You have to be a good stone mason in the morning when you get dressed for the day, and then, sometimes even if you’re tired, you need to do some serious gardening at night. If you haven’t put on gardening gloves in a while, a great place to start is by getting ready for bed early since you have to change your clothes anyway. Take a few minutes to freshen up, brush your hair, put on some perfume if your husband likes it. And then put on a very immodest nightgown. (For this to work if you have children, you’ll have to keep a robe handy.) And remember, you don’t need to initiate intimacy, although chances are, your husband might like it if you did, but that’s not the point. You’re just trying to make sure your husband has a chance to enjoy his garden. Wear something immodest to have a bedtime snack and discuss the day with him. Curl up in next to nothing and watch a movie together in your room. Or find something else that fits your schedule and your family.
So, ladies, let’s dust off the tools we’ve most neglected, whether those are our rakes and hoes, or our grout bags and mason’s levels. Let’s be the kind of gardens the Lord wants us to be: breathtaking, beautiful, locked, and enclosed.
May 16th, 2008 at 12:44 pm
I found your blog through another blog. I really enjoy reading it. This is a great post. We as woman really need to think about this. I agree so much with what you said.
May 16th, 2008 at 2:06 pm
Such good, solid Biblical truths – but expressed in a really fresh way. It’s really very strikingly well-written! Thank you.
God bless,
Tamsin.
May 16th, 2008 at 2:03 pm
Excellent post. =) I’ve been thinking a lot lately about modesty. Thank you for putting a ‘new spin’ on it!
May 16th, 2008 at 4:53 pm
+
The Bible verse quoted is referring to Perfect Virginal Love. The Lover is not referring to potential adultery when writing that the Beloved is a Garden “Closed, Shut up, Sealed,” but that the Beloved is Perfectly Chaste, an Immaculate Virgin. The Lover is GOD and the Beloved is the Christian Soul.
May 17th, 2008 at 9:01 am
And other things we disagree on…. I guess essentially I agree with you on the basic principals but, we part ways in the execution department. I also have some other concerns that don’t bother you.
May 17th, 2008 at 7:12 pm
This was worded so wonderfully! And thanks for the reminder. I think we hear so much about modesty we almost need to be reminded of the “permission” we have to be immodest with our husbands. Crazy, but true!
May 17th, 2008 at 9:21 pm
Carleen,
If you feel comfortable sharing what the other concerns you mentioned are, I’d love to hear you out. I freely admit that I could be wrong about something. It HAS happened before.
May 17th, 2008 at 10:32 pm
Lisa B,
Thank you for your interesting comment. It’s especially important that we get Scripture right, so I very much appreciate comments of this sort. I’ve just re-read the first three chapters of Song of Solomon to see if I could understand it the way you were describing it, and so far I’m not able to. Given the highly sexual nature of verses like Song of Solomon 1:13, 2:6, and 3:1, I have a hard time seeing how the marriage has not been consummated by chapter 4, so I’m not sure how Song of Solomon 4:1 could be describing Virginal Love. If you would like to go into more detail on this point, you would certainly be welcome to.
May 18th, 2008 at 11:05 am
What a beautiful post. I agree with you 100%. Outside, I wear long skirts and long sleeves and cover my hair; but at home, I try to dress in a way my husband loves.
I’m Jewish, and we have marriage preparation classes. While I took those, the rebbetzin (rabbi’s wife) who taught me told me it’s a mitzvah (godly commandment) to make every effort in order to be physically attractive to my husband. I can’t even begin to tell how important this is.
It’s not true that a good godly woman cannot enjoy seduction and physical attraction. She can and should, only it should be all directed towards her husband.
May 19th, 2008 at 5:41 am
“Their husbands are usually very happy with their appearance, but “gardener” women give a lot of other men a terrible time. Whether they know it or not, as they go through life, countless men are having picnic lunches out under their peach trees.”
LOL! A great post. Thank you for the reminder of what is a most important, but usually ignored topic.
May 19th, 2008 at 11:51 am
Excellent post!
May 19th, 2008 at 5:00 pm
Amazing post – every word of it, excellent !
Whilst its true Song of Solomon is really about the Lord’s strong love toward us his beloved, there’s nothing wrong in parallelling it to a marriage. After all, “the husband should love his wife like Christ loves the church” – so this analogy is even supported by scripture.
May 19th, 2008 at 5:30 pm
Lovely truthful post. However I have a small dilemma; my husband prefers me to be the ‘Gardener’ all the time. I think it improves his self-esteem when we go out together and I look a bit immodest, it makes him feel good to think that other men are interested in what he has. I’m not sure how I feel being ‘arm candy’. Does anyone else have a similar situation.
May 19th, 2008 at 8:49 pm
I just came across your blog via LAF, and wanted to say “hello”. I really enjoyed reading this post, and thought it was excellent.
In response to “Kate” above, my husband also likes it when I dress less modestly when we’re out together–just the two of us. For the very same reasons your husband does!
I have yet to find a way to curb or even change that. I like that he thinks I’m “something special” and wants me all dolled up like that. But at times I feel distinctly uncomfortable. I guess it just depends on the kind of reaction I get from other men.
May 19th, 2008 at 9:24 pm
I thought this was an excellent post.
Song of Solomon has so much to teach us. I thank you for your addressing this.
May 19th, 2008 at 10:52 pm
Kate,
You bring up a very good point that I think many women struggle with. I want to proceed very cautiously here because all I know about your situation is what you shared in your comment. I did have a few thoughts to bring up on this topic, though. First, you said, “it makes him feel good to think that other men are interested in what he has.” It sounds like you’re saying, “It makes him feel good when the men around us break the tenth commandment (‘Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s wife’).” If you honestly feel that this is what is happening, then you may need to think about whether you are being asked to sin. If you conclude that you are, then you’ll need to talk to your husband about this. You might say something like, “Honey, as my leader and spiritual head, I need your help to think through this issue. Because, as far as I can see, I’m sinning when I go out dressed like this. Please help me figure out what I should do.” It’s very important that your husband not get the impression that you’re saying, “Honey, I don’t want to be beautiful for you anymore.” Having a beautiful wife is VERY important to men, so it’s crucial that whatever you do about this is done in a way that affirms your husband’s desires to present you to the world as his queen.
I’ll pray for you.
Thanks for commenting!
May 20th, 2008 at 8:50 am
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May 20th, 2008 at 9:43 am
I’d be interested in sharing my “other concerns” although I’m not sure how far we’ll get or how possible it is via comments.
I’m concerned this sort of perspective limits appreciation for beauty, demonizes sexuality, inflames unhealthy fixation on lust and issues of sexual sin and objectifies women. Obviously, I’m not explaining at all here, just presenting the issues I’m thinking of. I don’t want to be adversarial or get into a more lengthy discussion than you have interest, time or energy for.
And by the way….in my opinion Song of Songs is a story about the relationship between two lovers, assumedly Solomon and an unnamed woman. I don’t see anything in the text that says it is about Christ and the church. I think its fine to see the principals presented as having parallels but its dangerous to ignore the obvious facts that are there in the book and make it into something more obscure and symbolic than it truly is. Its a book about sex.
May 20th, 2008 at 10:03 am
Hi! I found your blog through LAF. I wanted to add about husbands who enjoy “showing off” their wife (my husband is one of those) that I think it is ok, and good, and right, to encourage your husband that you want to be for his eyes only, that you don’t enjoy the thought of other men looking at you, or wearing or doing something that causes other men to envy. The longer we are married, the more my husband has come to appreciate the strength and honor in having a wife of integrity (who still looks good!) and the disappointment, even embarrassment, of having a wife who’s a floosie. That’s extreme, but he is recognizing that by asking me to “show off” a little bit so that he feels good about himself, that’s what kind of heart he will get. He also is finally allowing himself to accept who God has made him to be, so that he doesn’t have to try to make himself feel better (especially by inappropriate ways).
We have many, many guy friends, married and single, and I really appreciate what you wrote – “having a picnic under our peach trees” – how very, very true, what a right perspective. Thank you!
May 20th, 2008 at 1:26 pm
Editor’s Note: Ladies, Mrs. Anna T. has done a lovely post on this topic, and the comments section on her blog has lots of good ideas from wives at various life stages on how they make being beautiful for their husbands “work” with children in the house. If you’re looking for inspiration, this is worth checking.
Being Attractive for our Husbands
May 21st, 2008 at 12:45 pm
I enjoyed this article and I think it is a long time coming. My husband is very visual and often complained that I never dressed up for him after a long day at work or a long business trip. I have met many women who say that they must always remain modest but this does not necissarily go beyond the walls of their home.
May 21st, 2008 at 5:02 pm
Mrs. Parunak,
Thank you for your insight. I think I will gently broach the idea of asking other men to sin, my husband might not even realize that this is what he is asking for, when he asks me to dress in an alluring manner.
Thank you and Blessings
~Kate
May 21st, 2008 at 8:29 pm
In response to Kate,
I have the same dilemma. My husband likes me to dress very attractive and sometimes I feel immodest. He says 1 Tim. 2:9-10 is not talking about covering up but using the word modesty in the other form. For example one might say they had a modest meal, meaning not much to eat. In other words, just don’t dress in a flashy manner, trying to draw attention to yourself. And I agree with him as far as that verse goes. But there are other verses that make me think I should dress more modestly. I have thought about trying to spice up our sex life more. That might help to keep his desire for me to be sexy fulfilled, and then maybe he will be okay with me dressing more modestly when we go out. He’s a very Godly man, so I’m not too worried. We’ll figure it out together.
May 21st, 2008 at 9:47 pm
Jill,
I think that your husband is absolutely right about “modest” in 1 Timothy 2:9-10 meaning not dressing in a flashy manner, trying to draw attention to yourself. However, I believe that showing off our bodies is inconsistent with not drawing attention to ourselves. I once heard a great sermon by Jeff Pollard on this topic. He put it very well that the point of the word “modesty” is that our dress should not scream, “Look at me!” So, clothes that say, “Look at me! I’m so rich,” would be immodest, as would clothes that say, “Look at me! I have fabulous taste,” or, most importantly for the current discussion, “Look at me! I have great legs, gorgeous cleavage, and a tiny little waist line.”
On another note, good for you for figuring this all out with your husband. This is a crucial area in our marriages, and it’s wonderful that you aren’t leaving your husband out of something that effects him so greatly.
May 23rd, 2008 at 7:19 pm
Hi! Thank you for sharing words of wisdom on the issue of modest dress. Your very beautiful and poetic comparison to a garden was delightful!
I’m a muslim and thought that I would share with you our approach to the subject. I’m sure that you and your readers have all seen pictures of muslim women in their headscarves (hijab). What a lot of people don’t realize is that we don’t where them in the house under normal circumstances. When at home the scarves and overcoats come off and the beautiful dress underneath is revealed. Inside our homes we are encouraged to dress beautifully with full makeup,perfume, etc. for our husbands and family. Of course, in the privacy of the bedroom we take it a step further and wear more revealing clothing.
Many times our homes are arranged so that visitors(male)can come in to a sitting area that is either curtained off or in a separate room from the main family area so the women (wife and daughters) don’t need to cover in the house while they are present. Many times an interior courtyard is included so the women can go outdoors without covering and enjoy the sunshine.
These arrangements are in obedience to God’s will and out of respect for ourselves and the good men who do not wish to see someone else’s ‘garden’ and as a protection from the evil men who do.
May God bless your efforts in His Cause
May 24th, 2008 at 5:55 pm
I think I just lost what I’d written so here it goes again! A few years back I witnessed muslim women clad in all-covering garments and veil shopping for very sexy lingerie in Paris. I was dumbfounded, perplex, astonished… it just didn’t make sense so I thought at the time. Ah well, it’s taken me well over a decade since this incident to understand (and agree) where they were coming from!
May 25th, 2008 at 12:05 am
The other day my husband was at a open house at Wood craft, the asked for anyone who had a picture of his wife in his wallet to come up and get a prize….. Caleb wasn’t anywhere near the front but he went up anyway with his wallet (with my picture) and apparently was the only one in the store who had a picture of his wife in his wallet. (he won me a travel mug:-)
the picture was taken just for him, I am dressed modestly, but the look on my face is very immodest but he is probably the only one that would recognize that.
The gift of sexuality is so special husbands and wives should treasure it.
May 27th, 2008 at 11:11 pm
I found this by way of the lovely Anna’s blog (^.^) and read ALL of it … and wanted to say, I found it very beautiful and inspiring. ~ As to those who say we are trying to “demonize sexuality” and “limit lust” or whatnot … just remember that Christ said, we are meant to live in the world but be of GOD not *of the world*… .
As for myself ~ I am not married and do struggle with what it means to be a modest woman, ESPECIALLY in the world we live in today … and to dress modestly but not frumpy; to cultivate academic skill and institutional respect while still being a Godly woman. WHEW it’s sometimes a lot to handle. … Thank God that He leads us. (^.^)
*~* Peace! *~*
May 28th, 2008 at 2:01 pm
Ladies,
Recently, I have had to delete a few comments from this thread because the people writing them did not actually say anything. The comments were merely designed to shock those with conservative sensibilities or to call them names. In response to this, I have added Comment Guidelines to the top of my page. Those with dissenting opinions are more than welcome to join the discussion here, but if they would like their comments to be posted, they need to adhere to the guidelines.
July 28th, 2008 at 11:45 pm
I was interested in the comment the writer made that “the Bible doesn’t give hard and fast rules about it, yet we are commanded to dress modestly.”
I agree that the Bible does not draw a human body marking the areas God deems necessary to be covered. (This may be to avoid individuals aiming for as little as possible to still scrape by.)
However, the Bible does mention some specifics about what is considered “nakedness,” and therefore shameful.
Ex 28:42 & Isa. 47:2-3 both mention the thigh as an inappropriate or shameful part of the body to expose.
Isa 20:4 speaks of the buttocks and Ezekiel 16:7 mentions breasts in relation to nakedness.
These are just a few but they do show us some of the places we ought to cover up in public. Just some food for thought.
November 10th, 2008 at 1:01 am
this is to the wives who’s husbands who like them to look sexy in public. For a long time my husband and I were backslidden, not in church and not in God’s will. I dressed immodestly and my husband encouraged it, he wanted me to dress very sexy in public and wanted other men to look at me, ogle me, lust after me. When we got back into church I started feeling convicted about my dress and started to change. I told my husband that dressing immodestly was not honoring to him and his wanting me to dress that was was not honoring to me. I wish I had felt that way all along and never dishonored my husband by dressing immodestly in public, but I will say I love to let him help me buy sexy underwear and nighties to wear in the bedroom. Being sexy for your husband makes him feel wanted and special that you have something no other man gets to see.
December 25th, 2008 at 7:56 pm
Mrs. Parunak,
I’m still exploring your archives, but found this link from Mrs. Anna T.’s website (whose archives I’m also exploring.) I love what you’ve written here and wonder if you might have any advice for those of us who don’t feel very comfortable with our own bodies and have trouble being revealing, even to our own husbands. After struggles with annorexia in the past, and having five children, I’m overweight and would be embarrassed to let my husband see me in an “immodest nightgown.” Do you have any advice for those of us who struggle with this?
December 25th, 2008 at 11:44 pm
Rina,
This is such a good question I don’t want it to get lost in an old comment thread, so I’ve started working on a post on this topic, and maybe we can get some good discussion going. I have another draft almost finished, and then I think I can work on this.
June 13th, 2009 at 2:20 am
Hi
Thanks for your insightful thoughts. A question I have been pondering is how do we educate our daughters in this regard? As a young girl in a Christian home I received lots of teaching about not having sex before marriage, being modest etc. It was very hard for me to get my head around the fact that once I was married I could now be passionate and sexy without feeling bad. I want my children not to only receive “no” messages about intimacy as they grow up. How do we teach them about the “yes” messages without making it more difficult for them to remain pure?
June 13th, 2009 at 10:04 pm
Jane,
You asked a wonderful question! I would love to write a whole post about that. It may take me a little while because I have a new baby, and my writing time is limited these days, but I’ll send you an e-mail when it’s up, Lord willing.
June 15th, 2009 at 4:59 am
Thanks – I look forward to reading it! J