Ladies,
I’d very much like to hear your ideas on something.
I was talking to a woman who had read my post, Ideas of Home, (which was sparked by a conversation with a young mom who felt like a zombie after several hours with her baby) and this other woman shared with me that, in her view, the fact is that some people just find babies boring. She felt that babies don’t really do much besides eat, sleep, and fill their diapers, and they require so much care that even if you’re doing things to keep your mind active, in the end you might still feel like a zombie.
I have never felt this way, but I sincerely want to understand people who do, and I want to learn how to help them because I believe that feeling joyful at home with your baby ought to be a big part of “loving your children,” and is therefore something that I’m supposed to be able to teach younger women about in a few years when I qualify as an “older woman.”
So I have a few questions, and if anyone has anything to share, I’d love to hear it.
1. Have you ever felt this way? And if so, did anything help you, or did you just have to “get through” your children’s babyhoods?
2. Do you think that this is just a personality issue, or is enjoying a baby a skill that can be learned? If it’s a skill, how do we learn it? If it’s a personality issue, how can we live joyful, God-honoring, productive lives during the “zombie years?”
3. The Bible calls children blessings. How should women who don’t like babies, or who find them boring, or who feel unfulfilled caring for them view their little ones? Is the baby a blessing to come, a sort of an investment, or is the baby actually a blessing right now? And if the baby is a blessing right now, how can women who don’t have a baby addict’s personality enjoy that blessing?
4. Is there anything cultural going on here? Have we somehow lost sight of some crucial ideas about babies and about life in general and been left without the resources to get through the baby years?
Let me know what you think.
June 13th, 2008 at 10:50 am
“How should women who don’t like babies, or who find them boring, or who feel unfulfilled caring for them view their little ones?” - I think the should seriously consider why they had children in the first place. Children are a blessing, but I don’t think the Lord ever intended them to be an obligation. There are plenty of Godly women who know in their hearts they are not called to me mothers.
June 13th, 2008 at 1:15 pm
Holly,
I have two problems with the line of reasoning here.
1. We’re talking about women who already have children. I’m sure you’re not really saying that they should look down into their babies’ dependent and helpless little faces, and think, “I wish you’d never been born.” I don’t think it helps anything to tell these women that they’ve made a mistake bringing their children into the world.
2. You say you don’t think that God ever intended for children to be an obligation. Please consider what happens when these “godly women who know in their hearts they are not called to be mothers” discover that their birth control has failed. Are they supposed to have an abortion?
I think what you’re saying is that people who don’t like children shouldn’t have them. This sounds reasonable, but it ignores our biology. Healthy, properly functioning human bodies, when joined together sexually, produce children. Plenty of people in this day and age try to circumvent that functioning, but this is an artificial process, not somehow God’s norm for our lives. It’s sort of like picking all the blossoms off your apple tree to try to make sure it doesn’t produce any apples. If one of the blossoms escapes your notice, you’ll wind up with an apple on your hands, because apple trees produce apples. And human beings produce babies. We don’t somehow “deserve” not to have them if we don’t want them any more than an apple tree deserves not to produce apples. Sure, children are a lot of work (a LOT of work!), and sure there’s heartache, and dying to self, and struggle, and growth. And I’m sure apple trees expend a lot of resources producing apples that could have gone toward growing more leaves or a thicker trunk. But God created us for reproduction. He even says as much in Malachi 2:15 when He proclaims that His reason for making man and woman one flesh is “that he might seek a godly seed.”
Someone who truly feels that she should not be a mother should probably not get married. And then this whole issue would be moot for her anyway.
June 13th, 2008 at 1:32 pm
“I don’t think it helps anything to tell these women that they’ve made a mistake bringing their children into the world.” - No, but I think it is prudent to examine one’s motives for having children beyond feeling that you must in order to fulfill a role or because it will make your spouse or your parents happy. I believe Motherhood is a specifc calling that should be desired and prayerfully considered, not just something a woman becomes because she has the biology. If a woman wants children, she should definitely have then.
“Healthy, properly functioning human bodies, when joined together sexually, produce children” - Right, and plenty of couples are infertile. Should they feel like they must adopt or undergo fertility treatments?
“Someone who truly feels that she should not be a mother should probably not get married” - Sorry, but I don’t think marriage should be reserved for the fertile and willing.
If two people love God and each other but don’t want to parents why should that exclude them from marriage?
June 13th, 2008 at 7:47 pm
I’m willing to bet on the culture being a factor in creating this sort of mindset, not just American society at large but also the kind of attitude towards babies that people so adults have around them as they’re growing up, their own parents and babysitters and relatives. I think many people don’t understand babies and are a loss as to how to handle them which leaves them frustrated and unable to cope well.
On the other hand…I’ve always felt that I was a big baby person and wanted children forever…but, I’m all human and stuff and even though on any given day I’d gladly and freely tell you that I love being a mom and that my children are blessings….still sometimes they frustrate me and annoy me and I feel dead-ended by motherhood. This isn’t a permanent state of affairs or even something I’d admit to out loud most of the time but it sure goes through my head. Parenthood isn’t easy.
June 13th, 2008 at 7:59 pm
Firstly, my apologies, Mrs. Paranuk; I realise this is a little off topic.
Holly,
Whilst I do not pretend to have enough wisdom or age-related experience to instruct others (I’ll leave that to older ladies à la Titus 2: 4-5), I found the verses below helpful recently when researching what God says about children in marriage. I’m sure there are more that I haven’t got to yet!
God bless,
Tamsin.
Romans 12: 1-2
Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God—this is your spiritual act of worship. Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will
Titus 2: 4-5
Then they can train the younger women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home, to be kind, and to be subject to their husbands, so that no one will malign the word of God.
Psalm 127: 3-5b
Sons are a heritage from the LORD,
children a reward from him.
Like arrows in the hands of a warrior
are sons born in one’s youth.
Blessed is the man
whose quiver is full of them.
1 Tim 5: 9-10a
No widow may be put on the list of widows unless she is over sixty, has been faithful to her husband, and is well known for her good deeds, such as bringing up children.
1 Tim 5: 14
So I counsel younger widows to marry, to have children, to manage their homes and to give the enemy no opportunity for slander.
1 Timothy 2: 15
But women will be saved through childbearing—if they continue in faith, love and holiness with propriety.
Genesis 1: 28a
God blessed them and said to them, “Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it.
Mark 9: 37
Whoever welcomes one of these little children in my name welcomes me; and whoever welcomes me does not welcome me but the one who sent me.
June 13th, 2008 at 11:21 pm
Holly,
Certainly, couples who are infertile should not be obligated to adopt. I believe that everything happens for a reason, and if the Lord says no to biological children for a given couple, then it could be that He has a special work for them to do. He absolutely knows best in all areas, fertility included.
As for people being excluded from marriage because they don’t want children, that was exactly my point in bringing up the biology issue. A couple who loves God and each other but who does not want children has to admit that if they marry, there is a chance they may end up with a baby. Contraception is not fail-safe. I know many, many women who have conceived while using various forms of contraception, including one who conceived twice, and one who conceived a whopping five times while attempting not to (every one of those “accidents” is a dear and priceless person, I might add). Even men with vasectomies can sometimes father children. No, marriage is not just for the fertile, but couples need to face the fact that unless they believe in abortion, marriage is for the “willing.”
Finally, Holly, my perspective on children has been guided for some time now on the verses that Tamsin so nicely listed (as well as a few others), and my husband and I intend to welcome as many children as the Lord gives us. You seem to have quite a different opinion on this. I would genuinely like to understand your view. Clearly, you don’t think motherhood is for everyone who is able. Are there specific Scriptures that have led you to this, or is it something else, and if it is something other than the Bible, how do you interpret verses such as the ones Tamsin shared?
June 14th, 2008 at 9:20 am
My husband and I came about this from a different angle. We were married for almost 7 years before we ever had children. You see, we were not Christians and had decided that life was good as it was, the two of us. Then we became Christians and our views on this changed dramatically over time. We realized that children were a gift from God. Yes, they were sanctifying and that always comes with suffering, but they are a blessing nonetheless. Who would reject a blessing, a gift? Certainly I questioned things when I felt alone and tired. My husband worked long, grueling hours for years during his medical residency and after. At times I even felt like a single parent. But after our fourth child was born I experienced a cardiac arrest and almost died. I did have to have a hysterectomy. All of a sudden, when something is taken from you, you can understand its value. I think it helps to look at our children and families as treasures and yet also as our own missions. God has allowed us to serve and give right in our own homes. How wonderful is that!
June 14th, 2008 at 10:23 am
Kathy,
Did I understand you to say that you had a hysterectomy after your fourth child was born, or was that unconnected to the cardiac arrest? Are your other five adopted?
June 14th, 2008 at 10:49 am
Botanyhead,
Great point about people not knowing what to do with babies. I think that may be a result of our age fragmented society. It’s a vicious cycle. We’re only around people our own age, so we only understand people our own age, so we only want to be around people our own age, etc.
And I wonder if the “dead-endedness” of motherhood comes from our society’s not placing value on children and maybe even on service in general. Christ said that the greatest in the kingdom was the servant of all. And motherhood is definitely service, especially when you’ve been up at night with sick kids like you have been lately!
June 14th, 2008 at 11:44 am
Mrs. Parunak,
They were intricately related. After a normal but precipitous delivery, I went into cardiac arrest. The arrest occurred because of bleeding due to a tear. I had an emergency hysterectomy to control the bleeding. I’ve received all this information second-hand from my husband as I was fairly comatose during all of this.:-) I had to receive 70 units of blood/blood products, so, quite frankly, it’s a bit of a miracle that we are even having this conversation.
Yes, our youngest five are adopted!
June 14th, 2008 at 7:21 pm
Kathy,
Wow! That is quite a story! Things like this are such a reminder that our every breath is a gift from the Lord.
June 15th, 2008 at 3:36 pm
The comments on this, as well as the original “Ideas of Home” post. I would say your fourth question comes to the main point here. The North American culture (i.e. feminism, humanism, etc.) paints a poor picture for most anyone to grow up with the desire or even skills to be parents. We are driven by selfishness in our society and children can take the brunt of the consequences.
My husband and I were married for 5 years before we realized how we had been usurping God’s plan for our marriage by using contraception. Within one month of trusting in His will for this area of our lives, I was pregnant - and happy.
The “boredom” of having a baby around is a cycle that women can fall into with day-to-day duldrums. I chose to look at each day as a challenge to see WHAT I could accomplish with this baby along with me and HOW MUCH I could include her in activities in and out of the house. It was great practice for training her to be my right hand in managing our house now (she’s 8).
Once a couple gives the area of children over to God, hopefully they are also seeking His way for raising them up.
But, as always, He leaves the choice to us on how we meet each day & each trial. Do we meet it joyfully, or complain about it?
June 15th, 2008 at 5:29 pm
Kim,
Your comment really ties together all that has been said so far. And I really like your idea of viewing each day as a challenge. That can be a great attitude changer!
June 15th, 2008 at 6:15 pm
Mrs P., I would much rather continue our discussion via email. Please feel free to email me at hollymeister @ gmail . com. Tasmin, thank you for sharing.
June 15th, 2008 at 9:50 pm
Holly,
No problem. I just sent you an e-mail.
June 15th, 2008 at 10:18 pm
I love babies now, and I thought I loved them before, but I was extremely depressed and bored with my first baby at home. Finally my husband had me pack everything up each day and come to church with him (he’s a pastor) and roll up my sleeves and get to work there, baby on hip (or rather on my back), building up the kingdom of God. I found it really hard until she could talk. Now we’re covered in babies and children and I love the baby part best because its so sweet, and so fleeting. Our home is our sanctuary, but we spend a lot of time at church as well. I think laziness is the greatest obstacle to loving babies. I was initially a lazy and uninteresting person and I had to roll up my sleeves and get to work. I didn’t know that about myself, but God was very gracious and over the years I (and my husband) have learned to love good hard work and sweet sweet babies.
June 16th, 2008 at 12:40 pm
Hi Mrs. Parunak,
I probably could identify more with Holly in her frustrations. Nothing about mothering and wife-ing came easily to me. I’m amazed at how God has given grace over the years to raise children and survive.. (thanks to my Savior, wonderful husband and supportive parents and friends). I loved my children, was thankful for them.. but just depressed.. lonely. As they have gotten older, life has been so much better! Not every part of the journey has designed to be enjoyable. (I’m envious of those who LOVE the baby stages) But I am thankful that when things were NOT enjoyable, God used it to teach me things and bring me closer to HIM. Does this make sense? If it was culture, my upbringing, my selfishness, or just the way I am, that caused difficulty I do not know. All I do know is that 1. God helped me through it 2. God has shown me that I feel more comfortable with children once they are out of the baby stages 3. Everyone has their preferences on this issue. And, praise the Lord, I think teenagers are a blast–who wudda thunk? (Primarily because they can laugh and understand my jokes!)
God bless you sister! Jena (the O.M.)
June 16th, 2008 at 7:49 pm
I believe from the bottom of my heart that children are gifts from God to us, our “heritage,” and I never wanted to miss out on any of my inheritance. Nevertheless, seven children later… I found infancy very challenging, which is why I wrote the book you edited, Mrs. Parunak, listing ideas for things to do with infants to bless them and help stimulate growth. It’s a creative challenge to keep your mind alive in the midst of mothering very undeveloped minds. I’m a great advocate of getting together with other moms to share ideas and get emotional and spiritual uplift every once in awhile!