My husband and I have been talking a lot about modesty lately, and we want to know what you and the man in your life think. Here are a couple questions for you to ask your husband/father/beau:
1. Does the way other women dress affect your man’s ability to focus his attention on you (or on your mom if you’re asking your dad)?
2. All else being equal, if all the women in the whole world, including you, had to wear exactly the same outfit, what would it be? In other words, where’s the point at which you are still attractive to him, but other women are modest enough not to give your man trouble? Have him be specific: length, cut, style, tightness, etc…
I can’t wait to hear your (and your man’s!) thoughts.
July 14th, 2008 at 8:27 pm
1. He said no to that one.
2. The uniform my husband described was an A line skirt just past the knee and a sleeveless top with a square neck. (we are in Fl and My arms just look weird in short sleeve tops so I think he picked that top because that’s what I wear.)
I liked hearing his responses to those questions it gave me a good idea what he likes and dosen’t like about my clothing.
July 14th, 2008 at 8:58 pm
1. No one.
2. The orthodox Jewish look (arms covered, long skirt, certain head-covering, very attractive for a female figure, especially in the cut of the skirt). But, he thinks he would compare more if everyone dressed the same. By knowing what I’m wearing, he keeps his eyes on me and ignores everyone else.
July 14th, 2008 at 10:39 pm
1. No.
2. Dresses, below the knees, no cleavage, should be tailored, not baggy or tight.
another Kathy
July 15th, 2008 at 9:42 am
Before I ask my husband this question (he is at work) I am going to respond for us. We have discussed this issue at length as we have 4 daughters. First, the Bible is clear about inward beauty being of upmost importance: I Peter 3:4.
Now, as far as outward appearance and modesty are concerned… I dress for my husband. He prefers that I wear make-up and that I wear attractive, trendy clothing (yet still modest). Modest? Our guidelines…no midriffs, no cleavage, shorts and skirts fingertip length or longer; we are okay with shoulders as long as it fits the occasion. Basically, don’t draw attention to yourself (as much as this is possible with 9 tri-racial children in tow!). I’ve heard it said this way: “Dress attractively; don’t dress to attract.”
July 16th, 2008 at 3:34 pm
Is it ok for me to comment even if I don’t answer the specific poll? I was thinking about the idea of all women wearing a uniform style (not, obviously, that that’s what you were advocating or anything), and it just reminded me of the conservative Muslim garb and how even that doesn’t seem to deter lust. Sometimes it truly is a matter of the heart and not the eyes (“sometimes” is a key word there
). I was talking to Carlie and she mentioned that the worst experience she had with men being sexually disrespectful was in Egypt when she was wearing a long skirt, sleeves down to her wrists and a headcovering. I’ve had two close friends who attended BJU with a strict modesty code, and one of them recently commented to me how much she thought the policing, the constant scrutinizing of every outfit actually exacerbated the problem.
All this to say… it’s a tricky tangle, those issues of modesty and personal responsibility. When you get it all sorted out, be sure to let me know!
July 16th, 2008 at 9:42 pm
July 16 Kathy,
You raise an excellent point! I started trying to answer you in the comments section, but the reply was getting so long that I think it’s going to become a post of its own. It’ll probably take me a few days to get it together.
July 17th, 2008 at 12:39 am
You raise the most thought-provoking questions. First of all, my DH is an engineer. Although he is a man, he.. um.. likes math, puzzles, riddles and has not been exposed to pornography or bad movies or other things that make him “constantly distracted”. I will often ask him if he noticed xyz wearing xyz, and he’ll say “no”, but he does seem to notice tatoos or weird haircuts on women or ill-fitting clothing on men! I’ve often wondered if men were less exposed to all the evil things that it would free us women up to wearing what seemed the right outfit for the job.
For example, I wear skirts or dresses to the meetings. I wear comfortable fitting pants when I’m teaching (I often jump on the table to make a point), I wear a workout outfit when I’m teaching fitness classes (less jiggling is more modest than loose t-shirts that reveal the works!) and finally, I wear my bib overalls when I’m in the garden or cleaning the garage!
Why would God give one outfit to a woman with so many unique responsibilities?
July 17th, 2008 at 8:49 am
O.M.,
Oh yes, you’re right. We do need the right clothes for the job! I certainly wasn’t meaning to imply that women should wear only one outfit. I asked that question to try to get at what men’s ideal was as far as balancing having their wives be attractive without having other women who are dressed similarly provoke them to lust.
July 17th, 2008 at 4:47 pm
Public School Teenagers Covering Up Too. I welcome your comments on my article on modesty. http://www.simchawear.com/blog/archives/2008/07/17/public-school-teenagers-covering-up-too
July 18th, 2008 at 8:38 am
I asked A. He said “No” to number one and then on number two he said “a pink spaghetti strap tank with nice fitting jeans”
July 21st, 2008 at 9:57 pm
Caleb and I had an interesting conversation about modesty and dress. He said that often the attitude can be a huge contributing factor to immodesty. (for instance, I know a girl who would always wear the same modest clothes as her school mates at a Christian school, yet she was always getting called in, because she just caused “people to think about sex when they looked at her.” unfortunately for her she couldn’t figure out what she was doing wrong.
Caleb is of the oppinion that our clothing should be flattering but not draw attention to ourselves. We should be culturally modest so as not to distract from our message as Christians. We should not make a show of our spirituality, but neither should we make a show of our freedom.
He also said that it often didn’t matter what a girl was wearing, it depended on the mindset of the man (this was not to put all the responsibility on the man, the woman also has a responsibility to be appropriate) he said if a man’s mind is not where it should be she could be wearing a fully covered baggy dress and he could still stumble.” There is no secret formula. (as my sister who was in the UAE recently said, and my other friend who was a missionary in the middle east, the women including themselves were covered head to toe but completely uncomfortable due to inappropriate stares and comments from men on a daily basis.)
I have also had the experience of policed dress codes, and I didn’t realize until afterwards what bondage it was to me, it seemed like the crowd I was with growing up was always trying to outdo each other modestly wise….. “well, I can’t wear sleevless shirts, or logos, or splits in my skirts.” “Really, well I can’t show my neck, or wear a necklace or a ring and I can’t paint my toenails because my dad says feet are sensual.” It all got to be a little crazy. we were completely missing the point. (my friends and I were, I know of others who were completely grounded and had their heads screwed on correctly!)
I remember meeting a girl when I was about 17 when I went to visit a Bible college, she wore loose fitting jeans (shocking!) and a non descript loose jersey shirt. She was so on fire for God, and after being her roommate for a night I was so confused, because I had such a twisted view of what God wanted for me, I thought that I had to look a certain way to be close to Him.
Now I wouldn’t say that I have come full circle and just wear whatever I please. I often wear dresses, mostly just because I find them most comfortable and feminine. I don’t wear shorts above my knee (I just don’t like being that exposed.) I do wear sleeveless clothes and the biggest problem I have is probably with cleavage, being that mine unfortunately starts about an inch from my collar bone:-)
my husband gives his input often as to what he thinks looks nice as well as appropriate.
So, those are my meager thoughts, I desire to be a pure vessel without distractions.
hope this wasn’t offensive, it wasn’t meant as such, just mearly to show my own journey in this area.
July 21st, 2008 at 10:05 pm
Rachel,
Your comment wasn’t the least bit offensive! Don’t worry, I can’t imagine you saying anything that would offend me. These were some really good thoughts. And I appreciated Caleb’s thoughts, too. Men and women have to work together for purity.
September 5th, 2008 at 1:11 pm
Greetings! Love your blog!
I was wondering if you would consider checking out my new modest clothing web site and adding it to your modesty links. I sell new and gently used modest clothing for the whole family.
Thanks and blessings,
Lori Appel