You made the observation, “Sometimes as a woman you will attract nonquality men, and it isn’t always your fault.” This is certainly true. I had a rather extreme example of this happen to me last month at Meijer. I was wearing a dress that was practically Plain (and, yes, that’s “Plain” with a capital “P,” as in Mennonite.) As always, I had my head covered. AND I had my baby strapped to my front. Unfortunately, I was also buying “P.J.’s,” and by “P.J.’s” I mean lingerie. I had my purchases carefully folded up so as to be as nondescript as possible, but of course, they were still rather obviously lingerie. Now, usually, I’m careful to pick a check lane with a female checker, but on this occasion, I had the not so brilliant idea to use the u-scan. It was a bad idea because some of my stuff wouldn’t scan properly, and that gave the man behind me the perfect opportunity to “rescue” me. Only, he felt that he needed to stand literally about six inches away in order to “help.” And he kept standing right beside me even after I’d made it past the difficulty. He even decided that it would be a good idea to follow me down to where I was trying to bag my “P.J.’s” (I’m guessing for a better look). And of course, he was trying to talk to me the entire time about how hard it was to use the u-scan, and this and that, all the while staring at me. I actually started to wonder what I was going to do if he followed me into the parking lot. There are some women in Afghanistan who dress more modestly than I was dressed on this occasion, but short of donning a burka, I’m really not sure how I could have been more modest, and yet still the incident happened. (I guess you could say it was the lingerie that was enticing him, not my appearance. But what was I going to to do? I did need to buy the stuff.) That’s what I was trying to get at by saying that “women can’t prevent lust.” Sometimes, it just happens. But I think there really is a continuum. The sexier you are, the more men you’re going to have lusting after you. The more modest you are, the fewer. And there really are men out there who DON’T want to be lusting after women they aren’t married to, but who genuinely struggle when women are immodestly dressed, men like your dad as described in your mom’s (Kathi Armstrong’s) comment above. I’m mostly talking about trying to help them, the “quality men,” if you will, the ones who really want to be pure, but who can’t escape the natural way women’s bodies make them feel.

I shared this story in an e-mail to your sister-in-law, but I think it fits here, too. A few years ago my husband and I had a conversation with a dear friend. He recounted to us his struggles on the track team at Wheaton College. The women on the team would frequently practice in nothing but running shorts and sports bras. Our friend is a devout Christian. He desperately did not want to be lusting after his teammates. He wanted to see them as human beings, made in the image of God, and full of talents, feelings, thoughts, and opinions, but he said, and I quote, “All I saw were BODIES. I HATE that about myself. That is the thing I hate the most about being a man.” Finally, our friend and several other young men asked the women to wear more at practice. The women were really offended. Our friend said that they just did not understand how hard it was for the guys.

So, there are always the extreme cases that we really can’t prevent, and as you said, “Unnecessary guilt is a heartache nobody needs.” We can’t get too hyper. We don’t need to take all the blame, or descend into frumpdom, like Organizing Mommy was discussing. But by all means, lets help the “quality men” as much and as often as we reasonably can.

Feel free to comment as often as you like! I’m always very interested in what you have to say.

For sure the worldly man is not going to think you’re wicked if you wear jeans to the store. My question for myself is not whether or not men will think I’m wicked but whether or not they’ll be “checking me out.” I do have quite a few denim skirts, but I can’t remember the last time I wore them with tennis shoes. LOL!

I think part of what makes me a little reactive to modesty discussions is when I see conservatives putting too much responsibility on the young woman’s shoulders. Yes, women should be modest. But, I think in conservative circles girls can become a little paranoid if they’re told “if you wear jeans you will be causing men to SIN.” Sometimes as a woman you will attract nonquality men, and it isn’t always your fault.

I had a coworker who, off and on for several months, would flirt with me, tell me I was lovely and beautiful, when all he ever saw was me in my work clothes. Changing diapers in a mental hospital. In loose fitting t-shirts and jeans with no makeup and my hair in a ponytail. And no, for the record, he wasn’t necessarily looking for a wife. And he wasn’t exactly admiring my compassion and Christian integrity.

So, yes, absolutely. We should try to be modest and appropriate. But we should also be careful not to take responsibility for things that aren’t our responsibility. Unnecessary guilt is a heartache nobody needs.

Lol. I’m sorry for the long answer! And I very much agreed with the gist of your post, so only take this as a rabbit trail. I can’t help it; it’s an interesting topic.