I met the young man who would eventually become my husband when I was still only fourteen years old. It took us a month to figure out that we wanted to get married, but we had to wait seven years to finally tie the knot. During all this time, I was “taken.” Consequently, I never went through the typical angst about finding the “One,” never navigated the waters of being deliberately attractive bait, and safely shunned most young men because I wasn’t available and didn’t want anyone to get hurt. It all worked fairly well except that I never learned how to be friends with my brothers in Christ. That was OK with me because at the time, I couldn’t see that male/female friendships ever worked out very well.
My experience was mostly from observation, but what I observed did not impress me. It always looked to me like male/female friendships were lopsided. One person wanted to be “friends,” the other hoped for much, much more. In some cases, romance won out, and the couple wound up married, a lovely friendship blossoming into a happy marriage. I remember one man telling my husband and me the story of how he won his bride, “I told her I’d be happy to teach her to play the guitar, as a ‘friend,’ but really from the moment I saw her, I was thinking, ‘I’d like her to be my wife.’”
But far more often, these lopsided friendships wound up breaking somebody’s heart, or at the very least creating fond hopes that were never fulfilled. I remember a dear friend in college, miserable because she was in love with a “friend” but he didn’t seem to be in love with her. She recounted various things he’d said and done (like inviting her to his parents house for a weekend) and asked me what it all meant. What could she do to make him feel more for her? I thought he never should have played so fast and loose with her heart in the first place. “Friendship” seemed like unchivalrous confusion.
But I’ve been reading some things that are making me question my conviction that it always needs be this way.
Anna Sofia and Elizabeth Botkin have been doing a fascinating series on their blog about male/female friendships. The first installment was especially interesting to me.
Even in family-integrated churches, guys and girls often don’t know how to interact comfortably as brothers and sisters. We usually see this expressed in one of two ways: either flirting and posturing, or shying demurely away from any interaction with the other sex. (Blogger’s note: This is the part where I start blushing!) These two symptoms may seem opposites, but they both stem from the same root problem: a failure to think of the other as “[brothers or] sisters, with all purity” (1 Tim. 5:2).
In other words: thinking of the other sex chiefly as marriage material
Ah, so perhaps all male/female friendships are not doomed to be lopsided? Maybe there’s another way? I think it sounds plausible, but since I never did it, I’m not sure how to help my children learn to do it. They are still very, very young, but as our family interacts with other families, the question is always in the back of my mind: at what point do I need to train my children to be circumspect and guard their hearts? Right now, they’re running around playing with whomever happens to be in the other family we’re spending time with. But when does that need to change, and what does it need to change into? What kinds of friendships are appropriate between the sexes? This brother/sister thing sounds intriguing, but how would it really play out? Is it truly possible for young people to have interactions that aren’t bristling with attraction? What has been your experience and what are you teaching your children about this?
August 12th, 2008 at 9:07 am
I do believe in being “just friends.” I think its possible although it depends on both people having the right perspective to make it happen. As girls, my sisters and I played with the boys nextdoor, well into the flirting years but, managed to keep it friendly and platonic. One of the things that helped here was that the neighbor’s family were Jehovah’s Witnesses so, there was an unspoken “rule” in the air that prohibited romantic attachment. I also have platonic friendships with my brothers-in-law and a friend or two from college. I liked the post you linked to.
August 12th, 2008 at 11:00 am
First, thanks again for another thought-provoking post! I’m going to send my daughter here as well as the site. I think you and she would get along famously. She’s ordering a skirt for herself that is on a Jewish website–she’ll probably post it in her blog. She wants a comfortable, attractive, modest skirt. I’ve never really discussed this with her; she’s just wanting to do it.
About friendships with opposite sex. I’ve always had a ton of friends: girls and guys. I think I’m a social animal. My DH has always been less social. He doesn’t mind all of my connections with people. I just try to be appropriate and treat people as people. If it’s a man, I mention my sweetheart in the conversation a lot. I have boundaries for myself :personally and physically. I don’t “go” or “do” anything with men, but if I happen to see someone I know in the grocery store, I have no problem stopping for a chat. If someone calls the house and it’s a man, I chat BRIEFLY and direct them to DH.
As far as my kids go, my oldest (16) doesn’t really socialize with girls right now, unless they are on the Robotics team. My younger boys (12 and 10) are still comfortable going over (with their sister) to a friend’s house (girl) to play outside games. I’m so glad they consider this to be normal!
I would also consider it to be normal that, as they turn into men, they may think it weird to hang with their sister for playtime. Different ages/ different stages. Interested to hear what the rest have to say.
August 13th, 2008 at 9:15 am
I’ve always had tons of friends, male and female, because I love people. However, I can’t remember a time when I wasn’t aware of the differences. At three my closest playmate just happened to be a boy, and I was sure I was going to marry him. On the other hand, over the years I’ve had lots of male friends that I felt deep “brotherly love” affection for, but I think that only worked with guys to whom I was not physically attracted. And, as you pointed out, in most male/female relationships, sadly, one of the two individuals may harbor deep but hidden attraction. The greatest challenge throughout my adult life was learning how to love men “with a pure heart fervently” (I Peter 1:22). If it’s any consolation to any young woman who struggles like I did, menopause helps! The other thing that really helps is having a wonderful marriage, and if you do, that’s a huge protection, and it will help your husband too. Yes, as humans we will come across a few people in our lifetime who appear from the outside to be just about ideal in every way to us (possibly more so than our husband, whose weaknesses we know all too well), but if we are living close to the Lord and have a happy relationship with our spouse, it’s like a good vaccine against the potentially threatening disease of discontent.
I think many children play happily with both sexes until close to puberty, and then the hormones make it pretty hard to ignore sexual differences. My advice to my kids (and I will not comment on how well they accepted or took my advice) was 1. Pray for a pure heart, 2. Keep public, and 3. Keep your hands off. If kids learn these basic rules of respect and protection, even as children, they have a good chance of surviving intact into adulthood (although there are always problems).
We can also do a tremendous amount by modeling. Are we dressing modestly? Are we treating all men like brothers? Do they hear us praying for pure hearts, and for God to “lead us not into temptation but deliver us from evil”? Kids who love their parents will naturally feel comfortable around young people who are somewhat similar to their parents, and that—along with prayer and gentle guidance—may have the deepest positive impact.
August 13th, 2008 at 9:32 am
I don’t think it’s possible to treat the other sex exactly as brothers and sisters, which is how I think some people want to read those verses. Not unless you have semi-incestuous thoughts about your sibs anyway. But, I do think it’s possible to treat others as “brothers and sisters IN CHRIST,” which to me would imply respect and a level of caring that would keep you from hurting or using anyone purposefully (flirting merely to make yourself feel good, etc).
The term “flirting” is so amorphous. Most flirting is play with a romantic/sexual/hormonal electrical charge to it. I think Christians are sometimes too scared of sexuality. It’s not wrong. Even, or maybe I should say especially, as an unmarried teenager, you’re still a sexual being. God made you that way, and I think part of determining your level of interest and suitability with a potential spouse is dependent on your chemistry. Which is often something that first becomes apparent in casual friendships and might (gasp!) even look a lot like flirting.
I have two guy friends. I don’t see either of them often, but both friendships are well beyond casual chitchat. I’m a little ambivalent about male/female friendships, because it’s true that they’re a lot more work emotionally. You do have to be honest and intentional with each other about what you’re doing or there can be a lot of misunderstanding. BUT, I’ve also seen it be a good thing: there can be a lot of genuine caring, insight, advice, admonishment too.
Ultimately, I think it depends on an honest self-assessment. Are you truly seeking friendship (ie. DON’T LIE TO PEOPLE)? Will you communicate this to the other person at the right time? Are you willing to deal with the possible attraction or the possible hurt feelings when he falls in love with someone else?
In my experience it’s been worth it… mostly. On the other hand, I’m not a strong advocate for it. It’s a lot of work and people do get hurt. But, you could say that about life too.
August 14th, 2008 at 1:10 am
Well…this is a hot topic among the young people at our church. I have seen those who are successful at being ‘just friends’ and those who have failed and either been hurt or hurt someone else.
Thessolonians tell us that we need to possess our vessel in honour - that’s where the self control/self assessment comes in to play. If a young, single man is interacting with a young, single woman and he realizes that
A) he is developing an emotional attachment to her, or
B) she is showing signs of emotional attachment for him then wisdom dictates to run from the temptation. No personal contact, keep your distance or have a frank conversation with another trusted friend present.
So often the argument against seeking a marriage partner God’s way (i.e. courtship/betrothal) is “how do we get to know each other without time alone or dating?” Well, I know my pastor well enough to honour and respect him - and we’ve never dated. After seeing so many young people damaged in failed dating rituals, I can say that I’ve gotten to know these young people just as well as those who dated them.
As far as introducing the idea to young children, it is a regular conversation with my 8 year old daughter - e.g. how to be modest includes behaviour with the opposite sex. When there are so many influences in the world to give yourself away for entertainment purposes, or ‘test drives’ with the opposite sex, there no such thing as too young to teach God’s plan for singleness and His plan for marriage.
I know I’m pretty right wing on this topic…but my child’s heart is worth it.