All around me, young mothers are stretched, and stressed, and struggling. Mommy burnout is rampant. And while, I’m sure that to some extent, it’s always been hard to manage a house full of young children, I also have a sneaking suspicion that it’s worse today, that the women of modern generations face handicaps our foremothers didn’t have to.
There was a time in the not too distant past when families worked together toward common goals. The day began with Pa and the boys doing the chores while Ma and the girls got breakfast. Everyone ate together, and then the men folk went to work in the fields or the shop downstairs, while the ladies set about the baking, or washing, or gardening, or whatever else was needed that day. The family was all together again for the midday meal before heading off to their afternoon’s work, divided only by gender lines, and then it was back together again for the evening meal and a little family time before bed. Everyone grew up watching their parents train younger siblings to help with the work, and possibly did a fair amount of training and tending of little brothers and sisters themselves. Work was done together for the good of the family business, whether it was a farm or a blacksmith shop, tailor shop, or dry goods store. Society was family centered.
Enter the Industrial Revolution. Individuals left the family unit to work in factories for the good of their employers. All day long they gave their best to further the company, and at the end of the day they brought home a paycheck that enabled them to buy food and clothes and other things that families used to make for themselves. Life became individual centered, and individuals became peer focused as they spent the majority of their waking hours with co-workers rather than with family.
The result was our modern society in which fathers go off to work alone, often very early in the mornings thanks to long commutes, and get home late; children are splintered off to age-graded classrooms and activities until they reach adulthood when they take their own place in a corporation, living all day with co-workers, striving together for the good of the company.
Now suppose one of those employees is a woman. We’ll call her Jane. One day, smiling at her over the water cooler is Mr. Right. They tie the knot, and four years later (once they’ve had time “to get to know each other”), they decide to have a baby. Jane has always been a bit old fashioned, and she believes that children do best with care from their own mothers, so around her seventh month of pregnancy, she quits her job and gets ready to be a stay at home mom.
At first, it’s exciting. The baby’s on it’s way, and there’s lots to do to decorate the perfect nursery. But then one day, Jane finds herself in her pajamas at 11:00 in the morning with stringy hair and spit up down her back, trying to comfort an inconsolable baby, and wondering what happened to her life.
Fast forward four years. Things have improved slightly. Jane usually manages to get into sweats before the day gets too far along, but she’s bored and lonely, and her four year old and her two year old are constantly fighting. The living room floor is littered with toys. The laundry is never folded. And dinner was frozen pizza three nights last week. It drives Jane crazy, and she’d like to work on trying to solve some of her problems, if she could just figure out how to get a shower.
Why is it like this? I’ll admit this was a bit of a caricature, but not much. Nearly all of Jane’s woes have happened to me before, or at least I’ve heard multiple women complain about them, and I wouldn’t be surprised if I’m not the only one. What’s going on? I blame most of it on our handicaps.
Obviously, not all women have all of the handicaps that I’m about to enumerate (I don’t), and some may even sound a little foreign, depending on each person’s background, but I think that most of us are plagued by at least a few of the following.
1. We are handicapped by our society’s (begrudging at times) acceptance of mothers at home, but total lack of acceptance of women staying home without children. “There’s nothing to do,” the conventional wisdom goes, as if cooking, shopping, and laundry are so incidental as to fit nicely into cracks. The result of this is that, just like Jane in my story, most women don’t come home full time until they become mothers. What few of us take into account is that coming home after spending most of your life in school or at work is a MAJOR life change. We go from almost constant people contact and interaction to hours of solitude. We go from a life in which we are able to complete many tasks (like papers, and work projects) that we will not have to do again, to a world in which we will have to do most of our tasks over, and over, and over. We go from a world in which our work was evaluated by others, and our schedules were, at least to some extent, controlled by others, to a world in which we are almost totally responsible for our own time management, and in which we are only seeking to please our husbands and the Lord. This can be hugely bewildering. It was for me. I was very depressed for a long time when I first came home after graduating from college. It took me between one and two years to wean myself away from dependence on the constant feedback of school grades to confirm my worth.
Becoming a mother is also a MAJOR life change. The responsibility can be overwhelming at times. For the first time in our lives, another human being is completely dependent upon us for everything. This little person can’t even change his own position if he gets uncomfortable or bored. We have to completely adjust our schedules to take into account the baby’s needs, and often our own needs seem lost in the shuffle. Many women face difficulties learning to breastfeed, figuring out sleeping, and yes, even showering with a new baby to care for. Marriages are often in flux at this point, too, as relationships adjust to account for a third family member. On top of this, many of us face the postpartum hormonal roller coaster and the physical pain and exhaustion of recovering from the birth.
It is insane that our culture expects us to go through both changes at once. And yet, for many women, this is the norm. We’ve all heard of “stay at home moms.” “Stay at home wives” and “stay at home daughters” are oddities in most circles.
2. We are handicapped by our society’s norm for raising children. Most of us did not spend much time at home growing up. The majority of our hours were spent at school or in age graded sports, music, or other activities. Add to that the fact that most women came from typical 2.1 child households, and the result is we know nothing about being home all day with small children. How many of us watched our mothers cook dinner every night with babies on their hips? How many of us were assigned the job of folding laundry with our three-year-old sister? How many of us helped with potty training or spent our pre-mommy lives thinking it was normal to have conversations with six-year-olds about dinosaurs or construction equipment? We have been thrown into a demanding job we have no experience for. We don’t know how to get our household jobs done with “help.” We loose our minds having “infantile” discussions with children all day and miss our “intelligent” peers and co-workers. We don’t have the management and multitasking skills to drive the household forward, and often wind up getting dragged behind a run-away mob of runny-nosed hooligans, maybe not every day, but often enough to lead to at least minor bouts of despair.
3. We are handicapped by our society’s view of home as end of the day landing site. We don’t know how to cope with being there all day. The majority of our before children creativity is devoted to careers and school. This means that when women come home, their minds are numbed by the sheer monotony of staying all day in the place the rest of the world only resorts to when they want to watch TV, eat a quick meal, or sleep. We have no vision of our homes as productive centers of education (both for our children and ourselves), outreach, artistic expression, and even entrepreneurship. And those of us who do catch hold of the dream, usually have no examples to follow, and have to work out what that means all by ourselves from scratch, making all the inevitable mistakes along the way.
4. We are handicapped by our society’s undervaluing of homemaking. Home skills aren’t really respected because home isn’t seen as all that important. After all, wasn’t it the family farm we all wanted to get away from so badly in the Industrial Revolution? And we can thank the feminists of the 60’s and 70’s for reminding us that any brainless, dependent leech can keep things going at home. Work is the exciting place. Now some people will concede that children do better with their own mothers than in a daycare, so it’s OK with some people if mothers stay home to care for their children, but homemaking? That’s not really necessary. We don’t have any idea of what to do at home, so many women assume that they’re just kind of there as babysitters to keep the kids from killing themselves while they play all day and trash the house. There’s nothing more boring than having no goals, no real responsibilities, and no meaningful work. If you don’t cook, so what? There’s always McDonald’s. If you don’t clean, so what? The house is a disaster, and you’re depressed about it, but you have little kids, and who can really expect anything to be different?
5. We’re handicapped by our society’s view of fatherhood as financial support and nothing more. We women are home ALONE with our children. We’re no longer part of a team. Modern men don’t live in a family centered world. Instead of working downstairs in the shop or out in our own fields, they’re across town all day in an office. They aren’t home for a midday meal. They aren’t taking the children with them to do chores, or training the boys to work alongside them.
Men no longer see children as their “job.” Consequently, women have the full responsibility for the children in many households, which means they must be working, or at least “on-call” 24 hours a day, seven days a week, which translates into a 168 hour work week. Men think they’re working crazy hours when they hit 60 or 80 hours per week, but many dads still feel entitled to sit around in the evenings watching TV or surfing the web to decompress and still expect their wives to do all the parenting. Since the children aren’t their job anyway, even when they are home, many fathers don’t invest much in their children. But parenting IS the father’s job. Nearly every parenting command in the Bible is given to “fathers,” not mothers. Women are being asked to parent for two much of the time. And as anyone in the work world will tell you, doing your job AND someone else’s is exhausting.
A lot of dads (like my wonderful husband) believe that they need to parent with more than a paycheck and are making their children a priority. But they’re still stuck in the system. They’re still gone for hours. They still have to go to work alone instead of with their children. And for mothers, the lonely days can be long and hard.
So what’s the answer? Well, the best plan is to become a radical and create a Utopia. Seriously. Realize the mess our culture has made of motherhood, and make fixing it part of the micro-culture you create in your home. You may also have to put yourself through rehabilitation and physical therapy for your attitudes. And it may just be hard for a while, but at least maybe we can stop blaming ourselves for our lack of “talent,” or thinking that we aren’t cut out to be mothers and admit that we do actually have some challenges to overcome.
October 30th, 2008 at 8:49 pm
Oh this was a great article!!! Yes! This all makes sense. Now, I won’t use it all as an excuse, I am more determined than ever to get my act together and learn to be good at this job! (I’ve been home 1 year after 13 years of working outside the home). Talk about a shock!!!
October 30th, 2008 at 8:55 pm
This is an excellent post. You’ve expressed this perfectly. Thanks for posting this.
October 30th, 2008 at 9:26 pm
I agree with all of your points completely. I have often discussed this with my husband, regarding the adjustments I had to go through when my first was born and I left the workforce. If I had never entered the workforce to begin with, I would have been much better prepared for mothering and homekeeping.
Another aspect that I believe has made mothering more challenging in our days is the excess amount of “free” time. We have so many conveniences (most of which I am quite thankful for!!) that our days are not entirely filled with responsibilities that *must* be done, so instead, we are lured into pleasing the flesh with “me time”, which increases discontentment and selfishness. Society gives the impression that any woman not demanding and receiving her fair share of “me time” is being mistreated and must be unappreciated.
Back when home duties HAD to be done to stay alive (making meals from scratch, sewing clothing, tending livestock, etc), women’s days were much more full, so “me time” was not as big of an issue, and I believe women were able to stay focused on their main priorities better.
October 31st, 2008 at 8:04 am
Good stuff. I may not use the same labels that you use and some of the above facts lead me to slightly different actions or philosophies but, I totally agree with so much you’re saying.
I’d also add, I think one of the big things women have lost is community. There are no mothers and grandmothers living with us or just down the street, no aunties and cousins who will come over when the baby comes etc.
October 31st, 2008 at 2:38 pm
Hi, I’m back.. my computer was down. I totally agree. I think you and I are cut out of the same cloth. I can say that it took me many years to adjust to the changes you mentioned. The sense of community needs to be something you build around yourself, rather than wait for it to come and get you. My DH are always seeking to expand our community of believers as well as unbelievers into this circle–preferably around things that involve the children too. We ARE living in a totally different day and age aren’t we? We can feel so isolated at times. I’m thankful for technology–I can talk to my mom on the phone and other friends also. I also like the blogging/email aspect of modern life. It’s not the same as seeing people face to face, but it is nice. It does make having a large family very difficult, though. You need MORE practical help during these times! I still have never figured out how to slice that equation. Tell me if you figure it out.
October 31st, 2008 at 5:19 pm
Great expression of your thoughts (and mine) again. We also have a handicap that most women (of my generation) do not even have mothers or grandmothers to turn to for advice and help – when I read advertising signs that say “just like mom used to make” it can make me laugh out loud.
Hopefully our children will continue see the difference they can make in their future families by doing it God’s way.
November 1st, 2008 at 8:22 am
Mrs. Parunak, Here I go again being the dissenter! I, quite frankly, can not relate to much of what you say. Don’t get me wrong, I have my ups and downs and I have experienced plenty of alone time with my children and perhaps times that I was longing for more time with my husband. Particularly when he was in his residency and working 100 hours per week. But, I had planned on working after my first child was born, not giving up my career. Many of my friends (even at church) were in the same situation.
So, when my husband and I decided that I would stay at home with our child, it was truly a gift. One which I cherished. I took on the new task and life like I handled my career – I gave it my best and my all. Certainly the challenges and crisis are different but they are there to be tackled with enthusiasm, hope and zeal. I looked at my growing family as my ministry, my mission. No, I did not know how to cook very well and I am certain I’ve learned tons about managing a home since the beginning. But I surrounded myself with happy moms who loved their new position in life and like me, felt it was a gift to be home with their kids not at work.
I do not ever remember a boring moment. In fact, my most challenging times came when I only had 2 little children. After that, it was easier and easier. Now my mom and aunts were not in close proximity. So I developed relationships with women who, looking back, served as mentors of a sort. Everything that I do well was copied or learned from those women. I always tell my daughters that I am not original at anything.
Once again, don’t get me wrong, my life is full of bumps and ups and downs. However, remember, we are supposed to be poured out like a drink offering for our Lord and Savior (Phil 2:14-17). If my sacrifices can be right at home taking care of my lovely family, how easy and beautiful is that?
November 1st, 2008 at 3:16 pm
Kathy,
You’re such a sweet dissenter! I wish everyone felt just like you do and couldn’t relate at all to what I have written. You had (and still have) a great attitude, and your blog glows with the fruit of all your “professional development” as a homemaker over the years.
Allow me to share with you the background of this post. I don’t know if you remember, but last spring I wrote a couple of posts on a similar subject called Ideas of Home and Ideas of Babies: I’d Love to Hear Your Thoughts. In these posts, I discussed how I had been talking to a young mother who shared with me that after several hours at home with her baby, she felt like a zombie. I was perplexed because I do not actually feel that way. I love being home with my children. But I really wanted to help her, and on my blog I explored ideas about how we can help women who are struggling at home.
This led to quite a storm in my life offline because, as I discovered, at least in my circle, a lot of Christian women are either having a hard time or had a hard time with being at home with young children. And not only was there a general sentiment that the situation was hopeless, and simply a cross to be borne, but I had also caused offense by offering the sorts of practical and possibly superficial “solutions” that I had (like getting excited about all that you can learn at home). One of my closest friends was in tears over how my post had made her feel condemned as an ungodly woman who needed to be “fixed” because she didn’t find babies “fascinating.” I have heard older ladies, the Titus 2 women of our generation, who, when confronted with the misery of young mothers, are only able to say, “It was awful for me, too, but I survived. Don’t worry, this, too, shall pass.” They wish they could say more, but they don’t know what else they can say.
This can’t be right, I thought to myself. We must have more to offer than this, but maybe rather than starting with the “solutions” that are going to “fix” people, I need to get a better handle on what the problems are in the first place.
One thing I kept hearing was that some women like babies and others don’t. It’s just a personality thing. The problem with all this is that the next logical step is to say that those who like babies should be mothers, and those who don’t just weren’t cut out to be mothers and shouldn’t feel obligated to have any children. This seems untenable to me. I believe that God designed our bodies to produce children, many children, as a natural consequence of marriage. To say that some women weren’t “cut out to be mothers” is like saying that some women weren’t cut out for normal kidney function. Now, of course, in our fallen, disease-ridden world things do happen. Kidneys fail. Women are faced with emergency hysterectomies. Sometimes, normal biological function is stopped for some reason. But this has nothing to do with personality. In general, God meant for us all to be mothers. That means that there is no special personality type that qualifies a woman for motherhood.
Since I didn’t buy the personality argument, I started looking at our culture, wondering if there were ways in which the average woman was being brainwashed away from the proper mindset necessary to be happy at home, or if there were perhaps ways in which women were simply unprepared to face the challenges of being at home. I also thought back to my early years at home, which happened to be before we had children. Even though, I really, really wanted to be a homemaker, I still found myself depressed. I thought that maybe something similar was happening to young mothers who were also adjusting to being at home. The results of my cogitations became this post.
So, to make a long (very long!) story short, I think you’re “right” in that you have the right understanding of home and family. I’m searching for ways to help the rest of us get there, too.
November 2nd, 2008 at 6:28 pm
I think you’re both right. Kathy, you started a little later and had the opportunity to work and experience a little life before you were thrown into it. Both Mrs. P and I were (willingly) brought literally from the hustle and bustle of college life and being single to being married, pregnant and at home all at once, right? And at 22? it was a culture shock for me. Maturity to appreciate babies and the blessings I had just came from time behind the wheel. I was not even raised in a godly home, although my mother is a dear believer now. She was a career woman who had no clue why I would give it all up to stay home and be pregnant so soon. Even the folks in our church said to me, “Are you going to work, or mooch off your husband?” (REally supportive, godly women, eh?) The only godly woman I knew was Mrs. P.’s Aunt, and she was more busy than a one-armed paper hanger at that time. So, yeah.. lonely, scared.. depressed.. kind of sums it up.
November 4th, 2008 at 10:05 am
Thank you for this article! I’m not looking for excuses, just some understanding. You have really helped! Tears came to my eyes to think that someone out there understands.
I see a bit of a disconnect between some older mothers and some younger ones. It exists in my family.
Thank you for the encouragement. Now, back to the trenches!
November 4th, 2008 at 3:26 pm
I agree…makes me long even more for those “old days”!
November 4th, 2008 at 6:39 pm
What a great post! My first time here and I really was encouraged to read this post. My mom always would say..”why are you so stressed? I don’t remember being that stressed!” And you make some great points.
Thanks for sharing this and I’m sure I’ll be back!
Blessings,
Sommer
November 4th, 2008 at 10:08 pm
I am so thankful to have found your web site. Your “samson” article really encouraged me as my husband and I decided not to vote for McCain. I have faced a lot of flack for this. I love the way you are not deceived by the arguments out there that might sway you away from God’s commands. The Lord has really gifted you in speaking plainly and clearly to the issue – and not getting distracted by tangents. I will pray for your constant discernment. Thank you for your posts and for the encouragement. Many blessings to you. I look forward to future visits.
November 6th, 2008 at 1:10 pm
This article is really encouraging for me. You’re right- women in general have lost that sense of community that our great-grandmothers had when they raised their children. Our society really is so individual focused… it’s hard for a mother to find the courage to ask for help sometimes.
November 6th, 2008 at 6:35 pm
I completely agree, thank you for stating this so clearly. I was not raised in a Christian home, and I was taught nothing about homemaking and mothering by my mother. After getting married, my husband had to teach me how to do laundry, how to cook, how to do most basic things. I felt so awful and useless. Now we have finally come to a place where my husband can go to work and work hard and not worry about home because he knows I am caring for it and our children. He knows dinner will be prepared when he gets home, his clothes will be washed for him, and he can come home and enjoy his family instead of have to work more, as things were in the beginning. It’s so beautiful to see that when you embrace and follow God’s plan for marriage, home and family, how lovely and how peaceful things will be. I only think of how much easier it would have been had I been taught these things as a child, yet I am so glad I have learned them now, and am even more joyous that I can teach them to my daughters and they will be prepared.
November 6th, 2008 at 10:19 pm
Wow, thanks for posting this! I needed to read this today!
November 10th, 2008 at 11:29 pm
Enjoyed visiting your blog. Will bookmark it and come back to read more. Would love to have you join me at my blog or at http://www.cmomb.com
Until later….
November 11th, 2008 at 10:00 am
What a brilliant article! I think I’m going to link to it.
)
November 12th, 2008 at 9:13 am
This was a wonderful post, full of practical truths that we often overlook. I may be posting to it in the near future, if that’s okay.
November 12th, 2008 at 9:44 am
Terry,
Sure, I’m happy for you to link to it.
November 12th, 2008 at 10:08 am
I’ve been married over 10 years. My boys are 8 and 6. I’ve worked all that time out of necessity for health insurance. Well. We can’t really afford it, but my husband has health insurance through his job now – so I’m coming home. Friday is my last day. As my husband says, we’ll *make* it work, and there is no perfect time. I’m relieved, ecstatic, and scared to death. I’ve never been a stellar housekeeper. I’ve always hired someone to do the dirty stuff (ie: right before my in-laws came to visit.) You see, my mother never taught me any skills. None. I don’t know the best way to clean the grout. NO CLUE. I want to use inexpensive cleaning materials such as baking soda and vinegar – no clue how. I’m self taught to cook, so that’s fine. But the rest… Man. I find it a bit unsettling that that’s even a thought – but my mother never taught me. So – I’ve been thinking a lot about the transition, as I gave 3 months notice. But I have to admit. I have apprehension. Wish me luck starting Friday.
November 12th, 2008 at 10:12 am
Oh my gosh thank you for that post! I worked in the emergency field before I became a stay at home wife and it took me 3 years before I finally started seeing my own self worth again.
My big problem now is like you said, I dont know a thing about kids. When I spend a lot of time cleaning or even a few minutes for myself I feel like Im neglecting her. I feel like I am supposed to be focusing on her non stop and feel like a failure sometimes.
November 12th, 2008 at 10:28 am
Michelle,
Big hugs! You can do it! It may not be easy (actually, it probably won’t be easy at first), but countless other women have been in exactly your position, and they’ve learned, so there’s no reason that you can’t too. I wrote a post a while back about how my Grandma went from dismal failure to fabulous homemaker. You might enjoy it. Here’s the link: If My Grandma Could Do It. BTW, I don’t know the best way to clean grout, either.
You’re not alone; we’re all learning!
November 12th, 2008 at 10:54 am
Wow. I wish I had read this when I was in my twenties. It could have saved me decades of guilt.
November 12th, 2008 at 2:17 pm
I am very much the young wife you’ve described in this article. I became a stay at home wife when I married for years ago, and two years later we had our first child. Now we have two precious girls. Before marriage I was a valued worker getting new offers for jobs regularly, an A/A+ student at a private college, ministering down at the church 2-3 days per week, and off on a foreign mission trip every summer for at least a few weeks, sometimes a few months. Then I married and moved away from all family and friends and church. I had nothing. A husband gone, a brand new church body where I was unknown, no school, no schedule, and I’m still struggling even though we’ve definitely improved as we’ve gotten involved in ministry here and began to establish roots. Home before was the place I came to relax, sleep, and enjoy myself. All my work was elsewhere. I never even did homework in my dorm room, I always went to the student center where there were other people milling about. Now home is where I am all but about 10 hours out of the week, sometimes even more than that. I love my girls and I love my husband, but I sometimes go crazy with my life. I feel awful about it.
Let me add to the community bit: Our society is so stretched out that we can hardly go anywhere without a second family car (like we don’t have right now). It is miles to the nearest grocery store, library, park, or along busy roads, not where I feel safe walking with my girls. Public transportation? I only wish it were available. Maybe if we lived in one of those sardine communities where there are hundreds of houses all tightly packed together on tiny lots with 5 feet of yard I could walk somewhere, but I doubt it and that is hardly a healthy environment for children: a concrete indoor life. Besides, when I see those communities they are huge and outside of town anyway, just part of miles and miles of tightly packed homes with maybe a gas station in between. But even in those, most of the mothers are away working all day so there is no companionship there either.
November 12th, 2008 at 2:48 pm
Wow! Thank you so much for this article! It was wonderful! You spoke everything that is in my heart so eloquently. Thanks again for sharing your thoughts!
November 12th, 2008 at 5:07 pm
Hello – greatly enjoyed this article. Some I can relate to, some I don’t have personal experience with.
I was blessed to have two younger brothers (8yrs & 10yrs younger) so I knew how to multi-task. However, my “stay-at-home” mom was really gone a lot my teen years, leaving me to raise them to a great degree. So it took me several years to heal and I was scared to death to have children myself – ironically we have two boys now (and another blessing on the way) and I’m having the time of my life!
God is very good. I see now ways that I was blessed and taught even through my mom’s lack of instruction, and it has been of great benifit.
I wanted to let you know that I linked to you, and quoted a great deal of this post on my blog today!
God bless!
November 12th, 2008 at 8:11 pm
I agree and relate to every word and sentence you have said. I am lost most days as a SAHM, after working in offices for 17 years.
Please can you post an article about how to change the attitudes and start to rehabilitate?
Thank you
Cristina
November 12th, 2008 at 8:17 pm
You make more sense than ANY Ivy League Sociology Professor or pundit on TV!
November 12th, 2008 at 10:56 pm
Cristina,
I’d be happy to share the story of how I was able to learn some new attitudes, and how I’m (slowly!) learning to be a better wife, mother, and homemaker. I can’t guarantee that it will be the answer for everyone, but reading about how someone else did it may give you some ideas. With my extremely busy household, it can sometimes take up to two weeks from the time I start brainstorming a post until it’s actually up, but Lord willing, I’ll put something together and e-mail you when it’s ready.
November 17th, 2008 at 10:23 pm
I am new to your site-but came at just the right time. I am currently homeschooling my two little ones for preschool and am having a tough time filtering out other people’s opinions of what I should be doing.
There are certainly a lot of opinions, and most of them I did not ask for! I feel like this season of education is a blessing to me and am completely encouraged by your post-thank you again.
November 22nd, 2008 at 5:42 am
Exactly. What a fabulous post!! Thanks.
November 22nd, 2008 at 12:59 pm
Thank you, thank you for a wonderful post! What an accurate description of where I found myself not too many years ago, with 3 under 3 and having all sorts of misconceptions swirling around in my head. Thankfully, there were still a few godly women who mentored me.
Sherry
November 23rd, 2008 at 4:56 am
Hi,
Thank you for this interesting post.
I think another handicap that many younger Mommas face nowadays is the self-inflicted one of being “busybodies”. So many young women engulf their children in oodles of activities outside of the home (and use them so that they, the Mommas, can socialize with the other children’s Mommas at the activities or elsewhere) that they fall behind or even fail at being a successful wife, mother, and homemaker. They fail to realize the incredible amount of time it takes *at home* on the job – being there interacting one-on-one with the children, mopping the floor, sewing, cooking, baking, etc. and then are frazzled and frustrated when they are in a home of disarray and discontent.
November 23rd, 2008 at 5:16 pm
Clarification:
It is good, actually essential, for Mommas and their children to make/have friends and other women to talk to, but I was referring to over-doing it. I apologize for being less clear than I should have been.
November 24th, 2008 at 1:56 am
Hi! This post makes total sense. I’ve been married for a year and a half, and have been a homemaker for all but three of those months. I’m expecting our first baby to be born in a few weeks.
I know that because I’ve been home for over a year now, I’m going to be much better off than if I was just now leaving the work force. I have a decent handle on most homemaking tasks (though I could stand to improve in many areas!).
November 24th, 2008 at 11:16 am
I actually read this a few weeks ago, before it was posted on the LAF website, and I wanted to thank you for it. Now, I’m afraid I’m going to be one of many responses. I’m 42. My husband and I waited to have children until our mid-30’s. I didn’t want to wait necessarily, but we wanted to be on stronger financial ground. All it seemed to do was prolong the inevitable. We are still as broke as ever, having made poor financial choices early in our marriage. And, we have 3 young children. I have never been a good housekeeper. I knew elementary elements of homemaking, ie I can cook a meal, I can clean a room, I know how to polish silver, and I can mow the lawn. But, putting it all together into a whole house and keeping it managed entail skills I never learned. I’ve never been good at meal planning for more than one meal at a time much less a week or more (I dread the 5:00 “what’s for dinner” question). Cleaning one room always takes so long, I can’t get to the others without getting frustrated. Never mind kids. I never babysat when I was young. I didn’t know anything about children. I’ve done a lot of reading on child training, and I’m thankful the kids are still fairly young. It’s a little too late for some things with my daughter. I wish I’d never introduced her to certain types of music, sent her to public school, let her wear mini-skirts, given her my Barbies, etc. Little Pandora’s boxes that seem innocent at the time. When I had the second child, I had no clue how to care for them both at the same time. This has led to a minor amount of neglect of my daughter. I never taught her to be independent, so she was just sort of shoved aside as the baby took most of my time. Same with my son. I had a baby a little over a year ago. My son, at age 4, was still very dependent on me, and he got shoved aside for the new baby. I know a lot of this is normal, and children must adapt, but I feel I could have done more to prepare them. I could certainly have taught them to be more self-reliant. Now that I’ve stopped working and become a homeschooling mom, my children sit around and wait for instruction from me. My daughter is certainly old enough to show some initiative, but she seems lost. And, I’m still clueless.
November 24th, 2008 at 12:04 pm
What a wonderful post!
I have long believed exactly what you wrote about.
I also believe it’s so much harder because frankly, people aren’t truly thankful. It is so much easier in our day (as far as the physical work of having children). Disposable diapers, wipes, microwave ovens, low infant mortality rate, good healthcare and nutrition, but people still complain!
When my oldest was born 13 years ago (and I got saved around the same time) I heard a sentence that changed my life: The day to day, sometimes “boring” tasks of taking care of a child is a small price to pay for the precious gift of a new life”.
I have been thankful ever since for each precious child the Lord has given me (we have 5 now)and for my homemaking tasks.
If we keep our focus on the Lord Jesus, who was the model “servant”, we will stop listening to society and find our worth in Him alone.
November 24th, 2008 at 12:56 pm
Robin,
Be assured I carefully read and am thankful for every comment, no matter how many come before it!
I just want to encourage you that you can do it. You really can manage all your children at once, without neglecting any of them. It’s just a question of finding the right information and ideas to try. You might enjoy reading some of the books in the resources section of the follow up post for this article, especially those written by moms of many children.
November 24th, 2008 at 3:55 pm
I have been discussing a similar observation with like-minded neighbor women lately. The light bulb really went on for me the other day when the boys brought home a friend right at lunch time. I asked if he could eat lunch with us, and so gave him my spot (our small kitchen is crowded to have a dozen sit down all at once). I was up and serving everyone, then sat down to eat after they were finished. It was much more restful than trying to keep getting up and get what people needed, and get down a bite in between times. MARXISM ruined it for us by turning having/being a servant into a CLASS WAR. ALL FAMILIES my size had live-in help, or a neighbor girl/lady to cook, serve at mealtimes, etc., unless they were isolated. If they didn’t it was NOT BECAUSE they were poor. When industrialized Marxism sent all the women in the neighborhood out into the workplace, and taught everyone that being a servant or having a servant was “an evil class distinction,” then the poor mothers ended up with no help near by, and as we scattered across the country in search of “better” education and jobs, we lost the help we usually would get from women in our extended families, which also decreased in size due to birth control and “liberation” (and no more help in the neighborhood). DONCHA JUST FEEL SO LIBERATED?!!!!!
November 25th, 2008 at 12:38 pm
What a fantastic post! I want women to know that being a stay at home wife and mother can be a glorious experience even if we start off on the wrong foot (like I did). When I was growing up I didn’t like being around babies, hated babysitting, had no desire to get married or have kids. I didn’t know how to cook or how to manage a home. I had loftier goals in mind (running in the Olympics someday). However, during college I did get married (to a sports fanatic) and got pregnant after my first year of teaching (while training of course). That’s when God really started working on my heart. I felt so lost in the area of motherhood. I didn’t feel qualified to raise this child God was going to give us. I knew I needed God’s help. When our first child was born I knew I was going to stay home. That was the hardest thing I ever did! I was used to people reading about me in the paper, family members traveling all over the country to watch me run, and people bragging about “my accomplishments”. I felt so lonely and isolated inside that house. But God was working on me. I hungered for the word of God and read the bible all the way through that first year Sierra was born. I would memorize scripture and quote it while I was up in the middle of the night nursing. I begged God for wisdom in raising this child and he has answered my prayers beyond what I could have imagined at the time. He has put mentors in my life through books, tapes, internet, and people here in town. I praise Him for what he has done in my heart. It is truly a metamorphosis. I have absolutely no desire to pursue my “Olympic dream”. I want to please my husband and please the Lord. I am content to be home all day with my children. Now we have 4 kids and we love working, learning, playing, and serving the Lord together. I still don’t have it all together, but I am willing to keep learning new things. My husband has seen how much God has done in our lives. He has been a school teacher for 19 years and thought he would teach for 30 and get a good retirement. But God has been working on his heart too and he feels led to quit teaching after this year and find some other way to earn money where we can all work together as a family. I’m so excited about this. We may not have as much money coming in, but we will have each other and a beautiful relationship that I wouldn’t want to trade for anything in the world. Thanks again for your post. May God bless you.
November 25th, 2008 at 3:45 pm
This is a fabulous post. I can’t believe how true it is and how much my husband and I have been working to create this Utopia in our own home that you have talked about. We have seven children and we homeschool. We keep trying to work it out where my husband works from home as much as possible, but since the housing market crash, this has been more difficult. Thank you so much for this very thoughtful post.
God Bless.
November 25th, 2008 at 4:52 pm
Thank you for just being honest.
I especially struggle, as I am one of those women who does not like babies, and I feel like when I take the risk of sharing this with other women, they stare at me like I’m a terrorist. As if I’m a deformed woman.
November 26th, 2008 at 2:37 pm
Wow, did I need this encouragement today!
Thank you, Mrs. P! The Lord has used this blog to encourage a lonely young mother of three (so far) on a day when all I had to look forward to was nap time! My girls (2 and 4) and I are reading through the Laura Ingalls Wilder series of books and I often find myself making comparisons between lifestyles then and now. Your post here has really brought it all together.
The kids are napping now, but I know that when they wake up, I’ll be refreshed and ready to finish out the day!
I’ve bookmarked your blog so I can come back and read more sometime. It seems like we have a lot in common. =)
Thank you again!
November 28th, 2008 at 7:47 am
Thank you so much for your post!!! I have also been having similar thoughts recently, I’m not a very good home maker, but am trying to learn new aspects every day.
My mother was one of those ladies who “arn’t baby types” and she just can’t understand why I have more than 2 children. I have just recently birthed our 4th child and we will have one more before our family is “complete”. We can’t even talk to her about it because she just can’t comprehend my happiness with having lots of kids.
I really enjoy staying at home with my children, but do find it difficult some days being at home with all of them (we have 4 under 5 years – and one of our son’s is Autistic). The older ones go to child care some days to give mummy a “break” and so I can go grocery shopping. But I am also trying to renovate and run my own business from home (the business is on hold at the moment as I’ve just had a new bub)
I think that once the renovations are finished I’ll have more time for the kids and getting organised.
The biggest hasstle I have is planning meals!!
Mrs P. I would also love to know how to transition into this life easier. It is all I’ve ever wanted to do….. but now I’m here I find myself using the “electronic babysitter” a bit too much and I feel bad about sending my kids to child care, but at the moment it’s the only way I cope.
Thanks and Blessings
December 1st, 2008 at 12:18 am
Hello Mrs. Parunak,
This article was really interesting and is not so far from our reality here as well. Since there is not much litterature online about this subject in French (which is our mother tongue in Quebec) my wife and I would like to ask you the permission to translate your text and put it on our website with, of course, full credits and a link to the original post on your blog.
Thanks for considering our request,
Michel and Myrielle
December 1st, 2008 at 2:07 pm
Michel et Myrielle,
I would be very happy for you to translate my post! I’m honored that you think it will be helpful to your readers. I’ll look forward to reading your translation. (My French isn’t good enough that I’m comfortable writing in it, but I can get along OK reading.)
December 1st, 2008 at 4:21 pm
Dear Mrs. Parunak,
Thank you so much for this article! It is so difficult today to be a stay-at-home wife or mother. I have been both and have known the restlessness and loneliness you speak of. The situation seems to be compounded by having no family in the area (so I never have someone offer me a break while they watch my baby) and no other stay-at-home friends.
I have been at home for nearly three years now (since I was married in December 2005). I have a 16-month-old daughter and another baby on the way. I cannot imagine leaving them during the day, but I still find myself applying to graduate school so that I can become a teacher. I am so torn between wanting to create a warm and loving home for my family (which I believe is truly best done as a fulltime endeavour) and my desire for the fulfillment and companionship I receive in the workplace. Your article has definitely given me some more food for thought and good dinner table conversation fodder to share with my husband tonight.
December 3rd, 2008 at 12:56 pm
Hi, My name is James McDermott. My wife, Cindy, and I publish a very small (209 subscribers, 425 circulation), hard-copy, snail mail periodical called SALT Magazine. God has blessed us with 12 children (age 22 to 2), we have homeschooled all through high school, we believe in courtship, so I’m guessing we share many of your “radical” beliefs. I would like to reprint your excellent article entitled “Why Modern Motherhood is So Much Harder than it Ought to Be.” We normally pay $32 for article reprints (due to our small number of subscribers). We would be happy to send you a copy of the issue in which your article would appear along with the check. You keep the copyright. We only ask you to allow us to publish it once. Whatever you decide, it was a blessing to read your article and find your blog. If you let us know, it would help us plan our upcoming issue. May God bless you and yours. Jim (for Cindy and the rest)
December 26th, 2008 at 11:44 am
That certainly says it all! May I link to your site?
December 26th, 2008 at 1:51 pm
Mary,
Certainly! I’d be very happy for you to link to my site. I’m glad you enjoyed the post.
February 9th, 2009 at 2:20 pm
Gosh! I just came across your article by chance today and have to say you write everything I feel.
I had to leave a comment just to let you know I have linked to it in my sidebar.
Thankyou :0)
February 27th, 2009 at 7:51 am
Thank you for this article. I am so blessed to be at home! Do you have any advice for women whose husbands are OK with them being at home but seriously admire and respect women with high powered careers? And “allow” them to be at home for the children but have no respect for what they are doing at all? And I don’t mean that the wife is sitting around being irresponsible all day.
March 4th, 2009 at 8:29 am
Mrs. Araujo,
Thank you for your excellent question. I thought it was so important that I’ve given it its own post rather than let it get lost in a comment thread.
But I Know I’m RIGHT
March 14th, 2009 at 10:38 am
Hi there,
I have enjoyed reading through your blog. I had a couple of questions for you and wondered if you could email me at chelseyhall@gmail.com
Thanks!
Chelsey
March 16th, 2009 at 3:33 pm
Hi,
. I admire her strengths and like to see her updates to see how she is doing, and I learn from her (I should probably tell her this . . . !!).
Thank you for an interesting piece. I was drawn to it due to a posting a friend of mine put on her facebook site
Parts of this piece I felt I could very much relate to, whereas others . . . not so much. I hope you will allow me to contribute by saying why. But bear with me – this baby is pretty much essay sized . . . . !!
The importance of the home has been grossly neglected, both in the past as well as now. It does depend on the society one speaks of however (there are significant differences between Europe and N.America, as well as within Europe itself, and of course there are even greater challenges comparing communities that are “non-western”), but generally there has been an undervaluing of home and family.
Your portrayal of family life in the past no doubt resonates with many, and as it should, because it was that way for a number of families. But by no means for all.
Although there have been many depictions of pre-industrial life that show a “different-but-with-respect” division of labour in the household, these reflect one type of experience. But what about the women who were solely dependent upon their husbands to bring home much needed earnings, but were abandoned or the husband died or? What of women who were still with their husbands, but his earnings were not enough? The notion of a working mother has a very very long history, and recognizes the challenge women faced over the centuries who tended to their homes, but also had to work outside the home to add to the support of her husband (or alone). A woman who stayed home, the entire time, also had a socio-economic basis upon which she could manage this – ie: her husband had a good income to support the whole family. Otherwise, she was working in the city or on the farm, but definitely working “outside of the home”.
As for today, there are many women who chose to work outside of the home, and others who do not. The pressures to do so depend a great deal on the culture one speaks of. What is sad is that, no matter what a woman choses, she gets criticism (and not just from men, but other women!).
Women who chose to stay at home are criticized, as you aptly point out and discuss, so I don’t need to repeat your well presented arguments here. Interestingly enough, the same happens to those who chose to work and have children nevertheless. My own experience speaks to this – I was a phd student when I became pregnant with my first child (I have 3 children). It was expected I would quit (I still lived in N. America at this time, so this is a N.American experience). My colleagues were surprised that I wished to keep on studying. I chose to do this not by putting my child in daycare, but I instead (after he was born of course) took him with me. He was everywhere I went. I faced incredible criticism for this – babies should not be at the workplace (by the way, I also breastfed at the workplace – incredible criticism for this too). It is possible that some of your readers might also feel it is not appropriate that I took my son with me to the university. Maybe so, but the point is, where some might get criticized for staying at home, I got criticized for not staying at home. I also faced a tonne of criticism for delivering my babies at home. The criticism I got revolved around my not loving my child enough to just be with him. If I work, does that mean I don’t love my children?
My former colleagues in N.America were afterwards shocked that I chose to have more than 1 child. On purpose no less. I was told women in my profession either decide not to have children, or have just one child (I am not Ivy League, not sociology, but am an associate professor in political science . . . ). I no longer live in North America, and life with kids and university work is considerably easier (but no utopia by any means). Fathers and mothers who work outside of the home (and frankly, most do because it is incredibly expensive here) have shorter work days, children are in and out of the workplace regularly (visiting, have holidays, etc). This might also be just because it is the university and we can get away with such things. It is not the life that you depict in your piece here, but it is a life where children are loved and respected, and being a parent is not depicted as a hurdle. (it might be, and I suspect is, different in the business community). And although here in Norway most parents work because they have to, in Holland, for example, the rate of stay-at-home mother is considerably higher – often good incomes mixed with lower cost of living (but not everyone has this privilege). I give these as examples because the socio-economic-political context is important when it comes to perceptions about family life and options for mothers.
I am fortunate – I can make these choices. I can work, I can be with my children, and I am still able to take care of my house and make it a home. I love my home, I love being at home. (this does not mean I am good at it – but my love for my family and my partner continues to inspire me to get better – in this sense I share much with your readers).
But again, I am a fortunate woman. Just as in the past, many women are forced to work outside of the home. Ask a mother working at Dairy Queen, or the Molsen brewery, or the Ford plant (if she still has her job) if she is there for personal fulfillment. Likely not. She may be there because she is a one income family. Maybe she has a two income family, and she and her husband were already struggling before the financial crisis, but now! They might lose their home. These women cannot be forgotten, but often they are.
Interestingly enough, there are a number of variants of feminism that attempt to make these women, women who HAVE to work, as well women who choose to work, as well as women who desire to stay at home, more visible and valuable. Yes, I said the F word – sorry.
But I feel I should also contribute to this aspect. The feminisms of the 1960s and 1970s have since then (we are talking about 40-50 years ago now!) been heavily debated, discussed and criticised, by feminists as well as non-feminists. The reason is because there are many MANY variants of feminism. Some of which are even reflected in the piece you present here. The feminisms of the 60 and 70s (largely called radical feminism) played a significant role, and even one that is important to your writing here (I will get back to that). Since then they have been criticised for analyses based upon a white, middle-class woman experience, that often had no bearing upon the realities of women of colour, the poor, or of different cultures. Some of the more modern critiques of these feminisms come from what are referred to as global feminism, multicultural feminism, or indigenous feminism. These perspectives argue against the dominant white working mother scenario that they feel is pressed upon them from western (largely american but some european) feminist vantage points. They argue that the arguments pressuring women into the workforce so they are valued are not relevant for their social contexts. These are reflections by women who wish to ensure that the women in their own societies are protected by human rights, have a say in their communities, and respected for their choices, including being wives and mothers according to the social norms of their society (for example in muslim cultures, northern indigenous cultures, etc). They also argue that they address patriarchy (this is not a word synonymous with male-bashing/hating, but describes a system that bases itself on male experience and the privileging of that experience) in different ways, according to their needs. I might add that difference feminism and ecofeminism take their departure points in the celebration of women and their strengths, including birth, motherhood, caring, etc. These are significant reversals of thought from the radical feminist position.
Patriarchy, the privileging of the male experience, explains to a great extent the marginalization of women’s roles, both in and outside of the home. But particularly inside the home. Men are not recognized as contributors in the home, their work is recognized outside of the home, so it is outside the home that the “person” is most valued. Radical feminists knew this, and tried to make this marginalization clear. However they chose to solve the problem by taking women outside of the home – in some cases making women “men” (I am taking huge shortcuts here with a vast literature, but I hope the point comes across). That is no solution, as your piece well demonstrates. But your piece also demonstrates the effects of patriarchy on husbands and fathers who are “stuck in the system” as you say. Who cannot prioritize home and the family because they are not valued there. I don’t think you have to buy the solutions of radical feminists to appreciate the insights they nevertheless had on the system that continues to pressure not only women, but very often men.
Feminists of all varieties, whether they agree or disagree with each other (this is a huge body of political thought which cannot be reduced to just radical feminist contributions), argue for respect for women, rights for women, and for women to be heard. Some of their work you reflect here, other parts of feminist contributions you might not agree with (and many feminists do not agree with each other).
But I don’t know if women serve much purpose for themselves or each other if they decide to be “against” one another. As a feminist (yes, I admit it), should I be against you and your readers? I hope not, because despite not agreeing with everything you write, and not coming from the same experience or set of philosophies and beliefs that you hold, I still find much of what you write as important to my own world view. You show how women so often feel alone, challenged by their experiences with little support, how we miss a sense of community. I think you are so right! But a community cannot be built around women being against other women. And if you find some feminists are “against” you, you have the ability and insights to show them that there are many women’s experiences that need to be included, and they are included in your world, as you hope to be included in theirs. Perhaps that would be a good start towards community?
I hope you accept these comments in the spirit that they are meant, in the spirit of free exchange of ideas and respect, and from one woman who loves her family, to another.
All the best,
gunhild
March 17th, 2009 at 9:19 am
Oops – now it dawned on me that I have mixed up some websites, and sorry for that, as I associated this blogg with a site that expressly states a position against feminism. Though feminism is criticized in the article above, there is not an explicit “against” position, so for that I apologize. However, I nevertheless think that when one speaks about feminism, it helps to see which feminist positions might support mothers in the home and know that such feminist positions do exist.
thanks again for your time.
best, g
April 17th, 2009 at 3:10 pm
Todays society is simply removing a womens right to choose, we are moving in the opposit direction.
A woman who wishes to stay at home and raise her family is not always free to do so.
When a woman wants to do what comes naturally to her ( having kids) very few people are truly supportive. I understand this 1st hand, i’m 25 yrs old and have now been married about 1yr and still I’m constantly being told that I’m still too young to have kids, that I should wait. Now the question remains: What should I wait for? I’ve completed my university degree, I’m happily married to a wonderful man, I’ve had the opportunity to travel.I have nothing that I could regret missing out on because i chose to have kids. I think that todays views on motherhood and staying home to raise your family is shaped not only by feminists but by women who have experienced quite the opposit of now days. For example the women who are older now and who were married young and expected to stay home and have babies whether they were ready for it or not. They may have regretted their situation and in consequence encouraged the next generation to do the opposit.
Now I have seen both sides of this situation, I was raised in a typical canadian christian family. My mother stayed home to raise her kids until we were of a certain age, then for financial reasons it became necessary for her to work outside of the home.
Now that I’m older I’ve actually converted to Islam and lived in a muslim country where very few women work outside of the home and it is not necessarily well viewed for a woman to do so if her husband is perfectly capable of providing for her.
Now having lived both of these realities, I beleive that by nature women in general are better suited for raising a family and staying home, granted that if a woman feels she is not suited for this, then leave her do as she pleases. The important thing is that for those who wish to: let them, whatever it may be.
August 27th, 2009 at 2:22 pm
“Men no longer see children as their “job.”
sitting around in the evenings watching TV still expect their wives to do all the parenting.”
What utter nonsense.
You are nothing more than a sneaky feminist blowing a smokescreen of ‘anti-feminist who appreciates men’ while hiding behind it with self-absorbed gender-superiority motives and agenda.
Men and fathers are VERY underappreciated in society. Women and mothers are VERY appreciated in society.
To paint a picture of overworked wife who’s underappreciated by not-so-hardworking husband is absolute nonsense.
The woman is doing housework is she? And WHO is mowing the lawn? Sealing the driveway? Building the shelves? Fixing the plumbing? Lifting the heavy things? Taking out the garbage? Painting the fences? Pruning the trees? Fixing the roof? Cleaning the gutters? Bringing the wood in to the fireplace? Fixing the lawn sprinklers? Moving the refrigerator? Who deals with the rats and mice? Who gets up at 2am with a baseball bat to check the noise for burglars while you lay in bed waiting to be protected?
You mentioned NONE of these things men do around the home
Meanwhile you talked about the wife’s home work as if it’s some 100+ hours a week (I’d love to see the list of chores that proves this inflated number of hours)
Why would you leave out what MOST men do for the home…while overexaggerating what women do for the home?
Only one reason. Self-absorbed lack of self-accountability in women strongly encouraged by sexist-feminism via daily television soap operas, sitcoms, dramas, news media, newspapers, women’s magazines, and liberal-feminist dominated Hollywood movies.
Your pictures of lazy husband/unappreciated wife is so polar-opposite to the actual situation in today’s society, it’s laughable.
August 28th, 2009 at 12:31 am
Steve,
Re-read the paragraph immediately preceding the sentence you disagreed with. Mrs. Parunak was taking issue with a society (and with men) who see “fatherhood as financial support and nothing more”.
It’s obvious you’re a guy who passionately believes in taking care of your family… about providing more than just financial support. If you’re doing for your family all the things that you listed, then I applaud you. As such, I think it’s pretty clear that you (and men like you) are not the ones to whom that sentence was directed.
Going back to one of my wife’s earliest points in the article, she said:
“There was a time in the not too distant past when families worked together toward common goals.”
She then listed places where modern society is attacking this cooperation (from a woman’s perspective… hey, she’s writing, after all, to the ladies here.)
One of those places (and I agree entirely) is that society won’t even lift a finger to help guys understand how they can build up and lead their families. (You listed a lot of good ways in your response.) I’m glad you understand the need for this. It’s really important for kids to see their Dad leading, and serving, and building the family.
For the record, I think that my wife’s more feminist readers (yes, they’re here, and we value their perspectives and their thoughts, even though we frequently agree to disagree) will find your suggestion that Mrs. Parunak is “strongly encouraged by sexist-feminism via daily television soap operas, sitcoms, dramas, news media, newspapers, women’s magazines, and liberal-feminist dominated Hollywood movies” to be quite hilarious. I’m sure some people wish we were more “plugged in”. Perhaps we’ll someday reach that “lofty” goal, but for now our trajectory is firmly in the other direction. Our only TV is a 13-inch TV-VCR combo which lives, unplugged, on a basement shelf and is used approximately once a year (if that). We receive no newspapers, no women’s magazines, and we haven’t watched a movie in ages (we really have no time). I’m the only one in the family that really keeps up with world/national/local events – Steve, we’re actually a bit on the sheltered side here!
May I make one last comment?
I’m all for chivalry, and I’ll respect any guy who gets up at 2 a.m. with his weapon of choice to defend his wife from intruders. So, if chivalry isn’t dead, why did you think it appropriate to imply that my wife has a “self-absorbed lack of self-accountability” and that she is a “sneaky feminist”?
Neither is remotely true. My wife is anything but self-absorbed (to a fault). She is self-examining AND accountable to me, and she is neither “sneaky” nor is she a feminist.
That being said, a good friend once noted that “feminism is the sound that comes out of a woman’s mouth after she gets smacked”. If we don’t approve of feminism… maybe, just maybe, we should stop “smacking” women.
We can’t credibly level personal attacks (verbal or otherwise) at a lady and while simultaneously criticizing her for feminist tendencies. I think that would be kind of unfair, don’t you?
August 29th, 2009 at 5:21 am
I was helping my father in his trade at 8 years old and I was raised in a pretty liberal house. I wasn’t a full time apprentice, but when he had side work, and renovations to be done in the house, he made sure I was an active participant, even if I was a lazy video game addicted little load. I’m only 25, so we’re talking long long ago in like 1993, in the Commonwealth of Massachusetts none the less. My father was raised fatherless and I think it gave him real insight into the importance of fatherhood though. Unfortunately most fatherless boys don’t grow up to be like my dad did.
At any rate, I understood while reading this article that Mrs Parunak was addressing women as her primary audience, and also that she was using many generalizations regarding the status quo in our modern society. As a man on the crazy lunatic fringe right that cares about family values and human decency, and morality and discipline and Godliness, I understood that your talking points regarding men, were not directed at me and the father I hope to be when I can find a woman whose mind is not poisoned against me by feminism, a woman that actually wants more than just a child support check and a bimonthly babysitter for her children. A woman that is up to the task of being a good mother and dutiful wife, while I tackle the task of being a strong and faithful father and husband.
I don’t fight feminism because I hate women, I fight feminism because I love women, but feminism has made them too much of a liability for a decent person like myself to interact with in a romantic way. My biggest fear is not what would be done to me, but what horrid thing I’d do in retaliation if some feminist skank ever tried to remove me from my family. I have no desire to spend my life in prison, but I know I will to defend my honor. Theres too much on the line, and feminists tend to think that its all just care free fun and games. Thats why I remain single and celibate, and limit my interactions with women to very casual and very superficial small talk and pleasantries.
September 17th, 2009 at 3:59 pm
Thank you for this brilliance in simplicity.
You stated it so well.
God Bless!
October 30th, 2009 at 11:46 pm
I just re-read this post, and some of the comments. Interesting — it means I have been reading this blog for almost an entire year now, since I originally came to it from “Ladies Against Feminism.”
I am — quite literally — the opposite. I am a feminist, and I gently correct people when they call me a “lady,” depending on their use, because it can be a term loaded with cultural nuances — in which case, it does not accurately describe me. I don’t see myself as a “lady,” though of course others are free to think of me as they wish.
I didn’t comment on this post last year, but I will now, and say that “feminism” existed long before the Industrial Revolution. The isolated, rural farm is only one model of traditional family life. Since ancient times, there have always been humans living communally, whether in big cities or small farming villages. There have always been communities in which children spent their days playing with their peers, under the watch of not just their parents but their extended family and neighbors. Some of these societies accepted women into positions of tribal/urban leadership, while others did not. There have always been women who aspired to these leadership roles, or to other roles performing traditionally male tasks. Sometimes they succeeded, sometimes they didn’t — my point is only that women like me have been around for a long time (and we’re not going away!).
I am a working mom by choice, not necessity. My own mother was a working mom by choice, and her mother was a working mom by necessity and then by choice (my grandmother had to leave school when she was 14 to go to work as a waitress to help support her family, and she continued waitressing for most of her life). My grandmother’s mom came from Poland, from farmers. Not much is known about her, since she died in childbirth when my grandmother was 8, but she managed to instill in her daughter a solid work ethic: If you want to stay at home, and can, that’s fine, but working outside the home to support your family is just as honorable for a woman as for a man. My grandmother passed this on to me, and now I am passing it on to my daughter and sons.
One more thought — just as all the different religious communities seem to have trouble deciding on a definition of what constitues a “true Christian,” we feminists differ greatly on who can call themselves a feminist. For example, while I am mostly a working-outside-the-home mother, I was a stay-at-home-mother for several years, for a variety of reasons. During this time, I faced accusations that I was not a feminist: http://thehomesickhome.blogspot.com/2005/12/failure-to-cause-i-never-joined.html
October 31st, 2009 at 1:26 am
Oops, sorry, I accidentally linked the wrong post of mine (and sorry to hijack this comment thread, but I figured since it’s an old one, it’s probably less impolite than usual!). I mean to link this one — http://thehomesickhome.blogspot.com/2006/09/my-own-special-little-conversation.html . Anyway, I consider myself a feminist, even though Linda Hirschman clearly doesn’t!
And as long as I’m going nuts posting links in someone else’s comments, I will post this one, to another feminist blog I happen love, even though I don’t always agree with what is posted there — http://www.feministmormonhousewives.org/
Oh, and don’t worry, I would never call you a “feminist,” Mrs. Parunak, because I’m sure that would make you feel the same way it makes me feel when people call me a “lady!”
I just enjoy reading blogs written by people who are living their convictions, as I am living mine — even if our convictions don’t happen to match.
December 6th, 2009 at 5:59 pm
I realize this is an older post, but I just found it yesterday through another site. I’d like to add that our society’s obsession with “stuff” often thwarts even the best attempts at decent homemaking. Year after year more “stuff” is transfered from the list of luxury to that of necessity. I know this is not true of all families (as your husband’s comment on your television demonstrates) but the average home is filled with so many “necessities” that there isn’t enough time in the day to keep track of it all and still be the mothers we hope to be for our children and the wives we hope to be to our husbands. And at the end of the day there are still toys all over the floor, laundry left undone, small appliances on the counters, etc. Even IF our mothers taught us how to make our homes and our husbands ARE family-oriented its just too much stuff.