I talk a lot on this blog about our small house and all my adventures trying to fit our bloated collection of junk into it gracefully enough to manage living here. Well, lately, I’d been feeling like we were doing a pretty decent job. I was content, even excited. We were doing it. We were making it work. Order was slowly consuming the chaos, neatness was creeping towards the corners as the junk piles shrank. I’d kept the basement toy area organized for nearly a month straight. And the tide had finally turned in the laundry room such that I began to have hope of crawling out from under the years of poorly orchestrated work flow that had left a tsunami-like aftermath of stained clothing strewn around the room, awaiting yet another treatment of Oxiclean.
Sure, the house had it’s cramped parts, like way the enormous boxes of beautiful old furniture I’d inherited from my grandmother had no place to go besides the living room until we could move them to storage. And sure, I still faced my struggles, like what to do with those bins and bins of off season and in-between children clothes. But all in all, I was pretty happy. I was ready to have two, maybe even three more children in this house. It was an adventure. We were cheerfully explaining to people why it made the best financial sense to stay here and save, and I was peacefully on-board with it all.
That is, until I saw the Castle House. My husband found it on a real estate website. We had actually considered it briefly last spring when we’d been thinking about moving, but back then the house had only come with ten acres. After months of watching it sit on the market, the sellers had added another ten acres onto the parcel and had dropped the price by almost a third. I stared, breathless, at the listing. 3000 square feet. A mother-in-law suite with a full bath on the first floor (well, that would just be perfect for us since we’re committed to looking after our mothers in the somewhat likely event that they should outlive our fathers). Lots of big bay windows. And twenty acres. The kitchen even had two ovens. I nearly had to wipe the drool off my laptop.
For an evening, we entertained the possibility. But by morning, my wise husband had thought things through a bit more. It didn’t really make sense for us given the loss we’d have to take on our current house and the amount of savings we’d have to put in to make up for it on our mortgage, assuming we could even sell it, which really wasn’t a given. And if we couldn’t sell it, we’d have two mortgages, which was dumb, dumb, dumb, especially in this economy. It was pretty obvious. Great deal though it was, we’d better let this one go.
Oh.
And with that, I was back in my little house, the house I’d been quite content in just the day before. Nothing had changed. All my good progress, all our creative solutions were there, same as before. The only thing was, I was different. I was restless, dissatisfied. 3000 square feet…20 acres…And those beautiful bay windows! Where was my plucky pioneer spirit? I had traded it in for a fantasy life in my Castle House.
There’s a strange thing about contentment. You can lose it in a heartbeat the instant you start looking hard at what isn’t yours. Contentment can’t live with lust. You let lust into your heart, and contentment quietly leaves. Lust is more than the oft discussed, “man wants woman who isn’t his wife.” It’s lust just the same when a woman wants a house the Lord hasn’t given her. Lust is just a strong desire for anything, a hunger. And, as we all know, you can’t be full and hungry at the same time.
I had succumbed to the “lust of the eyes.” I had seen this gorgeous house, and I had mentally moved in. Now I was having to mentally move back out, and it felt like such a loss. But the real loss, the loss I should have mourned, was the loss of my contentment.
But godliness with contentment is great gain. For we brought nothing into this world, and it is certain we can carry nothing out. And having food and raiment let us be therewith content. But they that will be rich (or live in a big, fancy house) fall into temptation and a snare, and into many foolish and hurtful lusts, which drown men in destruction and perdition. –1Timothy 6:6-9 (addition mine).
I have everything I need, plently to eat, and plenty to wear, with money to buy more of both should the need arise. And part of the big family on one income lifestyle that we’ve chosen is being willing to work with less. I don’t need one of those mansion-type houses the world says I do (and is quite happy to send Mommy to the office to earn the money to buy). We’re just camping here anyway, on this wagon trail to Eternity.
It’s high time I closed that browser window on the real estate listing and took a good look around at all the blessings we do have.
December 5th, 2008 at 10:34 am
Sorry sweetie!!! I feel your pain. I’ve been there. It’s hard. Cry it out. Cry it out. The Lord WILL provide in HIS perfect timing, exactly what you need. It will even be better than the CASTLE house OR he’ll give you both peace to move forward IN FAITH. We have bought houses on faith before, and God provided. We had 3 houses at one time, and it was O.K. We got through it. We never missed a meal. This IS a great time to buy, and your other house seems small enough to make a good rental. That is what we usually do when we want to buy a new house. You can have your DH call Will to talk about the “rental blues” if you want. It’s good and bad.
I am not suggesting you just LEAP forward without God’s blessing, especially since God could be calling you to move to Rockford. (O.K. I had to get that plug in)… Real estate is cheap here also.
Anyway, I’ll pray for YOU!!
Lovingly, Jena (O.M.)
December 5th, 2008 at 1:30 pm
Thank you for this post.
I am a young mother with two young kids, My husband and I have been living in his grandpa’s old house (he no longer lives here, and doesn’t have a mortgage, so he said we could live here as long as we want, he likes having us close). We didn’t plan on this. We sure didn’t know that after two unexpected blessings from God, we would want more, many more, and that we were willing to leave the control with God. Our plans have changed drastically from the time we first got married. We wanted our own house, away from our family, and two incomes for extra money. Well hubby is the only one making an income and obviously we don’t live in our own home! Grandpa is graciously letting us stay here. I have to remind myself of that every so often.
The house is cluttered, with things of the family who lived here first, furniture that is not mine, clothing of people who are no longer living, and the basement is hardly usable because it is jam-packed with everything from toys (not my kid’s toys) to workout equipment and racks upon racks of clothing. I’m not complaining…but a little extra space would be nice..:D
I really do like living here, but once in a while I lust, for bigger better houses that are organized and spacious (and free of clutter I can’t do anything about!). And God willing the time will come, it just isn’t now. Right now I have to be content. but sometimes like today, that is so hard.
So thank you for sharing your struggles, and how you confront them head on, I can learn from you. But it really is too bad about the house, I just love bay windows! On the other hand, who wants a big ‘ole house,with lots of room and land, and nice bay windows? ’specially when you can have a nice cozy small house that FORCES you to interact with your family that much more!
December 5th, 2008 at 1:58 pm
Oh, how I can relate! We’re in the city and we really want to be in the country. Wow. And like you, we’re commited to a large family and taking care of our mothers if the need ever arrises.
I feel your pain. I love the wisdom in this blog. Thank you for sharing!!
December 5th, 2008 at 2:34 pm
I’ve been there! We live in a tiny 2 bedroom condo with three little ones and some days it’s all I can do to even maintain the chaos. What I wouldn’t give for a much larger place to live!!
But, like you, financially the only way is to stay where we are for at least four more years…
God knows best – and there are some things about the coziness of our place now that I wouldn’t trade for anything!
Life’s funny that way…
December 5th, 2008 at 3:30 pm
You have a great heart and God will bless you enormously as you wait on Him. You are a tremendous support and helper to your husband. He will be led to make the correct decisions for your family unencumbered because you don’t whine and complain – but. . .”Stand by your man”! Dress up that little house and love all the memories that you are making in it.
December 5th, 2008 at 6:11 pm
Oh my…I could just feel the excitement you must have felt as I began reading, then the loss once reality set in. So thankful you have such a wise husband so you did not make a bad decision and regret it much later! I too will stay content with my little home as well as I am trying to fit everything (and everyone) in it comfortably!
I did notice today after being at a friends house whose home is much larger than mine that they had so many more toys and clutter than I do. Only because I believe because they had room for it, so its easier to allow more and more “stuff” into the home. I do like that part of having a smaller house, its easier to withstand the temptation to horde things, or buy more!
Blessings to you and your little home!!
December 5th, 2008 at 9:10 pm
This is such a wonderful post. Thank you for sharing!
December 8th, 2008 at 10:46 pm
Beautiful post. Thank you for sharing your heart and the gentle reminder about being content. I just found your blog awhile back and love it.
December 9th, 2008 at 1:53 pm
Found your blog “accidentally” (NOT, of course!). What an incredible post. Thank you so much for a great reminder of where dissatisfaction begins: “You can lose it in a heartbeat the instant you start looking hard at what isn’t yours.” Thanks for the reminder to pursue God where we are, and with what we have.