Whenever I talk about modesty, I always try to emphasize that the reason it is so important is that immodesty is so special. It is truly a delight for men, but it’s supposed to lead them to revel in their wives, not go around their days in a constant state of semi-arousal while they look with lust at every inch of female flesh in their vicinity.

But while there are some women who struggle with giving up the attention and stylishness of dressing immodestly at inappropriate times, there are also plenty of women who struggle with being immodest when it’s immanently appropriate, when they’re doing it for their husbands.

Thanks to our flesh obsessed culture, we are all treated daily to visions of perfection, not only in the real life, half-clad college students we pass picking up a couple of apples and some Diet Coke while we wrestle an overloaded cart of family packs and several preschoolers down the supermarket isles, but countless images of flawlessness smile up at us from magazine covers, billboards, even the labels on our bras. They’re all the same: young, thin, creamy skinned, large breasted, looking like they’ve never had a baby in their lives, mocking our stretch marks and laugh lines, the extra pounds we gained giving life to other human beings, and the unfortunate facts of biology that only a small handful of us can both be a size four and wear a DD bra cup without plastic surgery. And so we wilt a little and feel the temptation to hide our deficiencies, even from the one person from whom we aren’t supposed to have any secrets.

Recently, I received a comment from Rina on one of my first modesty posts, A Garden Enclosed: The Importance of Modesty…and Immodesty. She says,

…I love what you’ve written here and wonder if you might have any advice for those of us who don’t feel very comfortable with our own bodies and have trouble being revealing, even to our own husbands. After struggles with annorexia in the past, and having five children, I’m overweight and would be embarrassed to let my husband see me in an “immodest nightgown.” Do you have any advice for those of us who struggle with this?

This is  such a good question! I hope many of you will weigh in on this as well, but here are my humble two cents.

To start with, I can relate! And so, I think, can most women, even the ones who approach our culture’s ideal. I’ll never forget a dancer I knew in high school, who to me seemed to have everything: flat tummy, ample bosom, skinny thighs. I would have thought she’d be happy. She wasn’t. She felt that her backside wasn’t cute. To her, it was too flat,  and she was so embarrassed about it that she nearly always wore a sweater tied around her waist so no one could see her “flaw.”

The desire to cover up our “flaws” is natural, but when it comes to marriage, it isn’t good. Our bodies were created for our husbands to enjoy. Take a glance through Song of Solomon and watch the Bride and Bridegroom praise each and every part of each other’s bodies. They’d be hard-pressed to do that if they couldn’t see each other’s bodies.

But how do we get to the point of being comfortable with being revealing? I think the best answer comes from Martha Peace’s wonderful book, The Excellent Wife. She calls it “The Put Off/ Put On Dynamic,” and in my experience, it’s the best way to deal with any kind of wrong thinking. Basically, when we find ourselves overcome with a worldly, sinful, or otherwise just plain hurtful idea, we can’t truly get rid of it until we replace it with the truth. In other words, we can’t put something off until we put something else on. So with that in mind, let’s look at some Scriptures containing truth we can put on as we attempt to put off any embarrassment we might feel being revealing in front of our husbands.

1. Don’t Compare

…but they measuring themselves by themselves, and comparing themselves among themselves, are not wise. — 2 Corinthians 10:12

If only I could get this one through my thick skull! I’d be a much happier person in general as well as a more radiant wife. It applies to so much of life, and nowhere more than our physical appearance. As we go about facing college students and bra labels, what do we do? Well, I don’t know about you, but I compare. And I almost never look at the things that are actually beautiful about the body God has given me. Oh, no. I always zero in on the one thing the other woman has that’s better than the corresponding body part on my body. Then, it’s just a heartbeat to the inevitable feelings of inferiority and the worries about how my husband could possibly be attracted to me when xyz body parts don’t look like Buffy’s over there. But this is not wise! In fact, it’s foolish. Comparing myself to other women is always foolish. This is the body that God has put me in to fulfill all the duties He has for me, including the very pleasant duty of being my husband’s delight. God didn’t choose any other body for me, so looking at other bodies and thinking about how this or that attribute is so much more “serviceable” is pointless, even ungrateful and faithless. And sometimes just quoting this verse to myself can stop me in my tracks, “they…comparing  themselves among themselves are not wise.”

2. Don’t Focus on the Past

Brethren, I count not myself to have apprehended: but this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before, I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus. –Philippians 3:13,14

Not only are we tempted to compare ourselves to other women, so often we are also tempted to compare ourselves now to a younger, thinner, better rested, etc. version of ourselves. This is only a good thing when it prompts us to make positive changes, eating better, getting more sleep or exercise. There is always room for improvement, and we should always be seeking to improve, but we need to press forward, not look back, and sometimes comparing ourselves today to ourselves in the past is as far as we get, and we just feel depressed and unattractive. The thought may even cross our minds that maybe if we stay covered up, then our husbands won’t notice how we’ve changed. But we need to make what we have right now as beautiful as possible, working with what we’ve got, finding our best attributes and accentuating them, wearing colors that make our skin glow, trying a little perfume, fixing our hair. (Even if you wear a head covering, there are times you’ll want to take it off for your husband.) And we should try to see the blessing in the things that bother us. Overweight? You probably have lovely cleavage. Now’s the time to use it. Bust line or backside too flat? It probably means you’re nice and thin elsewhere, so show off those lanky legs or that delicate collar bone.

3. Remember God’s Plan for Marriage

Therefore shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh. –Genesis 2:24

Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband. Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband. The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife. –1Corinthians 7:2-4

God intended for married people to be physically one. He wants you and your husband to have sex, often! He says that your husband’s body is under your power, and yours is under your husband’s. Most men enjoy sex a whole lot more if they can see their wife’s body, and since my body is under my husband’s power, if he wants to see it, then he should get to see it. It’s not about my feelings of embarrassment over looking too pregnant, or still working off baby weight, or whatever. It’s about my body’s belonging to my husband. It’s about his freedom to enjoy what is his.

4. Remember that Your Husband Doesn’t Get to Enjoy Anybody Else

Drink waters out of thine own cistern, and running waters out of thine own well. Let thy fountains be dispersed abroad, and rivers of waters in the streets. Let them be only thine own, and not strangers’ with thee. Let thy fountain be blessed: and rejoice with the wife of thy youth. Let her be as the loving hind and pleasant roe; let her breasts satisfy thee at all times; and be thou ravished always with her love. And why wilt thou, my son, be ravished with a strange woman, and embrace the bosom of a stranger? For the ways of man are before the eyes of the LORD, and he pondereth all his goings. His own iniquities shall take the wicked himself, and he shall be holden with the cords of his sins. He shall die without instruction; and in the greatness of his folly he shall go astray. –Proverbs 5:15-23

God means for your husband to enjoy you and you alone. Not only is it true that your husband has power over your body, but it is also true that he does not have power over anyone else’s. Your husband must be ravished with you and not with a “strange woman.” That can be tremendously freeing. I’m not competing with Buffy the Bra Model, or the college girl in the produce section. My husband has no right to look at them. If he does, then he is sinning. It’s natural for a woman whose husband does that to feel crushed and compared. But the truth is that life isn’t a beauty pageant. I need to be as beautiful as I can for my husband because I belong to him and because pleasing him pleases the Lord, never because of how anyone else looks who might catch my husband’s eye. The LORD is pondering my husband’s goings. I don’t need to live in fear of another woman’s provoking my husband to lust. I need to be what God created me to be. I am my husband’s cistern. I am his water source. When he is thirsty for a cool drink of sweet femininity he gets to come to me. I am what God thinks he needs, and what God declares to be enough for him. I just need to be joyfully and freely open to satisfying my husband’s thirst.

You may find these or other verses helpful, but find some that address your specific hang-ups and focus on them. Pray about them and about how you can be all that God intended you to be for your husband.

Then, once you get a good start on renewing your mind, it’s time to take the plunge. Comfort never grows without practice. Swallow your fears and try. Talk about your feelings with your husband, and ask him what would please him most.  If your budget permits, maybe a shopping trip for something new to wear to bed is in order. Or maybe you can get creative with what you already have. Remember, you’re trying to please your particular husband, so find out what he’d like to see you in. Most men would be thrilled with these kinds of questions and feel very loved that you’re trying so hard to take care of them.

These are my thoughts on this, but I’d love to hear from all of you as well. What advice do you have for overcoming those all too common feelings of just not being pretty enough to be that undressed?

This entry was posted on Wednesday, December 31st, 2008 at 6:29 pm and is filed under Loving Our Husbands. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.