Since the original posting of this piece, multiple people have misunderstood my position. This led me to add the some clarifications to the comment thread. I thought it might prevent further confusion to include them here as well. The original post follows these points.
1. The purpose of my post was to address our attitude toward children, NOT to advocate “producing as many children as humanly possible,” or “maximizing your output of babies.” The point of this post is that children are a blessing. That is all. And that is why I chose those verses (Psalm 127:3-5, Psalm 128:3-4). I do not think that those Psalms command anything. They are statements of fact.
2. There is NO command in Scripture to have as many children as possible.
3. If it were the goal to have as many children as possible, then I would be writing blog posts about how we should all stop breastfeeding, or at the very least stop nursing at night so that we can get our fertility back sooner and produce more babies. And while we’re at it, maybe we should all be taking fertility drugs to ensure that we have twins or triplets every time. Notice, I do not advocate any of this.
4. A woman is not an inferior Christian if she doesn’t have as many children as someone else. She is not sinning if she doesn’t have as many children as someone else. She is not serving God less, or whatever else. I do not use the number of children anyone has as my “measuring stick of the godliness of other believers.” This is why I talk in my post about “Jane,” the godly woman, who for some reason does not appear to be blessed in the area in question.
5. If a woman and her husband aren’t able to have any kids at all, I have nothing even remotely negative to say about them. That would be why I said in my post, “not all of us are actually capable of giving birth to ten children, or five, or any.”
6. BUT, WHY does “normal” in the area of childbearing mean, “go on birth control, and then ask God IF you should have kids”?
7. Having babies is the biological default. It is the normal function of our bodies. NOT having babies is proactive. Using birth control is intentionally doing something to stop your body from behaving the way God made it to. That makes avoiding children the extraordinary act, NOT having them.
8. If younger women are supposed to marry and bear children, then why do we today take as our baseline the prevention of children?
I will therefore that the younger women marry, bear children, guide the house, give none occasion to the adversary to speak reproachfully. –1 Timothy 5:14
9. I am not advocating Quiver-stuffed parenting, but I am wondering why most of Christendom feels that Quiver-empty is the right thing until “we’re ready,” or until “we feel called,” etc.
***
Lo, children are an heritage of the LORD: and the fruit of the womb is his reward. As arrows are in the hand of a mighty man; so are children of the youth. Happy is the man that hath his quiver full of them: they shall not be ashamed, but they shall speak with the enemies in the gate. –Psalm 127:3-5
Thy wife shall be as a fruitful vine by the sides of thine house: thy children like olive plants round about thy table. Behold, that thus shall the man be blessed that feareth the LORD. –Psalm 128:3-4
Whenever I bring up birth control, I witness a strange phenomenon. I call it “Blessings, But.” This is how Christians attempt to reconcile what the Bible seems to say about children with something else, something their hearts are telling them, something born of suffering and struggle, something they’ve seen in others, or experienced themselves, something that tells them that children are one blessing they’d actually rather not have, or at least not in the abundance that the “Quiverfull” camp would celebrate. It goes like this, first you agree with the important sentiment that children are indeed blessings, and then you add your “but,” your reason for not wanting to be blessed at this time, or blessed very much, or for having anyone talk too much about the blessing. “Children are blessings, but they aren’t a requirement.” “Children are blessings, but we don’t want any more. We love the two we’ve got, of course, but we’re done.” “Children are blessings, but I think God wants us to use common sense.” “Children are blessings, but we need time to establish our marriage first.” “Children are blessings, but my friend, Jane, had an emergency hysterectomy and can’t have any more. Are you implying that she’s somehow less godly than women with ten children?”
Do you know what is implicit in all this? It’s the idea that children actually aren’t such blessings after all. If we really thought they were blessings, most of these “buts” would sound kind of hollow. To illustrate what I mean, imagine applying these same arguments to another blessing, good health.
“Good health is a blessing, but it isn’t a requirement.” Would any of us want to add under our breath, “And thank God it isn’t because I sure didn’t want to be too healthy!”? I’m guessing not. The fact is, most of us don’t really care whether we’re required to be healthy or not. We just know we hate being sick! Few of us would choose to have a cold or the flu, let alone cancer, or Alzheimer’s, or Parkinson’s disease. Never mind requirements. When it comes to being healthy, we’re quite happy to just go ahead and be blessed. It’s kind of like asking a kid whose parents took him out for ice cream if his dad was going to require him to eat his banana split. If the kid likes ice cream, then it’s totally irrelevant.
“Good health is a blessing, but I don’t want any more. I loved the health I had, of course, but I’m done.” This is like saying, “I was happy being healthy for a few years, but now I’m looking forward to hypertension and bad knees.” Nobody would say this. Those of us who like being healthy would like to continue to be healthy for a long, long time. We’ll take all the health we can get.
“Good health is a blessing, but I think God wants us to use common sense.” You know, because going to the gym is just too expensive; and cooking fresh vegetables is too time consuming; and some families run themselves into the ground financially trying to pay for vitamins and check-ups; and I know people who are always exercising, and it takes up so much time. Being healthy is great and all, but there are a lot of other things that are way more important. This is really just saying that good health isn’t actually so important at all, or isn’t really worth sacrificing, or prioritizing, or getting creative about. If there are problems with exercising and eating well, rather than solving them because taking care of ourselves is crucial, we’d rather just use “common sense” and forget about it.
“Good health is a blessing, but we need time to establish our marriage first.” This implies that good health gets in the way of a healthy marriage, that health is somehow at odds with a marriage, or that it unduly stresses a marriage in some way. Again, nobody would say this. Nearly all of us think that the blessing of good health is a benefit to anything we want to do, including establishing a marriage.
“Good health is a blessing, but my friend, Jane, has chronic fatigue syndrome and never feels good. Are you implying that she’s somehow less godly than healthy people?” Whenever we talk about a blessing, we have to confront the cases of people who love the Lord, but who appear not to be “blessed” in this particular area. And when that area is physical, either good health or the ability to bear children, we always have to come up against the Curse. We live in fallen bodies. They break. They get diseased. They’re susceptible to mental and physical illness, hormonal imbalance, and injury. Not all of us are going to have radiant health, just like not all of us are actually capable of giving birth to ten children, or five, or any.
What’s telling, here, though, is our attitude toward the blessing itself. When this problem of unequal blessing is brought up about children, the implication is usually, “So, quit putting so much emphasis on them!” But how does this sound for health? Would anyone conclude that since godly women like Jane don’t have all the health that others have, that health really isn’t such a blessing after all, or that if God doesn’t give it in equal measure to everyone, then it isn’t something to be desired? In the case of health, when we see a godly woman who is chronically ill, most of us are impressed by her faith, her love for the Lord, her steadfast perseverance in the face of a hard circumstance. “Wow, it’s really hard to be joyful when you’re denied the blessing of good health. But look at Jane! She’s such an example to us.” Few would take her case as proof that health isn’t beneficial, and we certainly wouldn’t consider it license to eat all our meals at McDonald’s or never leave the La-Z-Boy.
So, what does the fact that we do make all these statements about children really mean? I think it means that we don’t really think children are blessings. Even parents who ferociously love the ones they have, still may not think that all children and any children, including those born third, or seventh, or tenth, would actually bless them.
Why is that? Is God wrong about children being a blessing? How come the Bible doesn’t have any “buts” about this? It’s not because the idea of preventing unwanted children was unheard of. The story of Onan way back in Genesis proves that. What about families that are strapped financially, or mothers who are worn out, or parents who can’t seem to control the monstrous blessings they’ve already got? What about people who just “don’t like kids,” or who want to do things with their lives that children get in the way of (like climbing Mt. Everest, or becoming a CEO, or even spiritual things like mission work)? Would another child really bless these people? Are all children blessings, or only some, the ones we “want,” the ones that are “planned,” the ones that have handsome trust funds established at birth to cover Ivy League tuition, the ones that don’t disrupt our sleep and our lives, make us morning sick, or get in the way of our careers? Does the blessing vanish if another child means we have to shop at the thrift store, grab “dates” at home on the couch, or give up our dream of touring with Yo-Yo Ma? Are we only blessed if we are spared hard work and sacrifice? We can’t have it both ways. Either children are blessings or they aren’t. There are no such things as “Blessings, But.”
February 12th, 2009 at 5:17 pm
Once again you’ve taken my heart and put my feelings into words. I feel so sad when people are amazed to find out that we actually WANT more children. I feel sad when people say nasty things about couples like the Duggars and are convinced that Mrs. Duggar is oppressed by her husband. I feel sad when people make nasty comments at the grocery store, and look down at the little ones in tow. They truly can’t see the blessings that children can bring into the lives of their parents. Even Christians often don’t understand this concept of children as blessings and many are wrapped in fear as they consider starting families of their own. Thank you for this wonderful post, Mrs. P. With your permission, I’ll be linking to it from my site, and hopefully it will touch others the way it has touched me.
February 12th, 2009 at 5:19 pm
Rina,
You’d be most welcome to link to my post! I’m glad you liked it.
February 12th, 2009 at 5:54 pm
Bravo! Thank you for sharing!
February 12th, 2009 at 5:58 pm
I think I get it. Those who choose to prevent conception may agree that children are a blessing and therefore to be desired, but there is obviously something they desire more than the blessing of children just then. Just because children are a blessing it doesn’t mean they are the only blessing or that all other blessings are compatible with having children or another child. The blessing of good health may sometimes be in conflict with the blessing of children. It could be argued that God doesn’t want us choosing which blessing we receive, but everyone who has ever read that childen are a blessing and then tried to concieve are doing just that.
February 12th, 2009 at 5:59 pm
“Blessings…But”: I LOVE that! It really says it all–and so succinctly.
As a Catholic, I am new to hearing about the Quiverfull movement: we don’t have a movement in Catholicism; we’ve NEVER practiced contraception, and we’ve always thought the Bible was extremely clear that children are a blessing to be hoped for and cherished! I get so excited seeing my sisters in Christ from other denominations opening their minds and hearts to these teachings, as well.
It really is astonishing to me, sometimes. My husband and I attended a (Protestant) church for a little while where contraception was practiced (and spoken of!) by every married couple in the church (including the pastor and his wife) except us! One day, they had an infant dedication… Everyone talked about what a blessing children are and how wonderful it was to see all the babies up in front with their parents…and I just burst into tears! I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. How could all these people who raised their eyebrows at my husband and I and even gossipped that our daughter, conceived 10 months into our marriage, must have been an “accident” say these things and take themselves seriously? My heart was just breaking. Children were a blessing for this one day, perhaps, but their overall perspective was completely skewed.
Thank you for this much-needed post.
~Bethany
February 12th, 2009 at 10:40 pm
In the O.T. blessings were clearly physical. In Ephesians, our blessings are in the heavenlies. Children and the Word of God are clearly the only things we can take with us into heaven. So, they are indeed “spiritual” blessings. But they are also very physical, much so for the immediate parents carrying them and providing for them. There is no definite category in which to place a blessing such as this in our minds. It is beyond our understanding.
Most people underestimate their ability to take in spiritual blessings and overestimate their ability to take in the physical blessings. For example, would we consider a new and bigger house to be a good thing? (we would be welcoming a physical blessing) Would we consider a hard missions trip to China? (a spiritual blessing)
When all is said and done, I think MOST people will agree that we did not trust God more when it came to receiving more spiritual blessing in their lives–whether it is in the act of faith of having more children or being open to other forms of blessing. There is no blessing without the act of faith, and that rooted in the Word of God.
Even though the Bible does mention a lot about children, we need to be careful not to place more emphasis on it than God himself does. He says, “the wicked shall be full of children”– in other words, this is clearly not the only hallmark of the godly. The unbelievers can enjoy the physical blessings (children) of this life! They can not, however, enjoy the spiritual!
That is the problem. Children are only a spiritual blessing to those who LIVE by faith. Once faith (in any area) is depleted, God needs to revive the believer in another way. His decision to use us as pro-creators of his creation is just ONE way that we identify with HIM. It is NOT the only way. Could it be that God himself placed the “buts” in certain people at certain times to redirect them? Is it possible that placing an undue emphasis (unbalanced) on this unction to have a full quiver has gotten certain believers off track of the true mission? When all of our talk, walk, thoughts, etc. are on having more, having more, having more children… is this really the MAIN thing?
When God made very clear to me that THIS.. this full quiver thing.. was clearly my Nehustan. It consumed me. It sucked the life out of me. Instead of looking to Christ, I was looking to the pole which represented Christ. No longer was Jesus my God. I worshipped the lack of birth control God.
Whatsoever is not of faith is sin.
February 12th, 2009 at 11:47 pm
Hello Mrs. Parunak:
I like this post. I believe that we should read God’s Word and believe what it says and that is the best way to get to know God and His will for our lives.
Children ARE a blessing…
The blessing of the LORD, it maketh rich, and he addeth no sorrow with it. Prov 10:22
And it seems the ability to enjoy those blessings also comes from God.
For [God] giveth to a man that [is] good in his sight wisdom, and knowledge, and joy: but to the sinner he giveth travail, TO GATHER AND TO HEAP UP, that he may give to [him that is] good before God. This also [is] vanity and vexation of spirit. Ecc 2:26
Every man also to whom God hath given riches and wealth, and hath given him power to eat thereof, and to take his portion, and to rejoice in his labour; this [is] the gift of God. Ecc 5:19
February 13th, 2009 at 12:00 am
I always say, one person’s blessing is another person’s curse!
God didn’t create us all alike. My husband loves me very much, but I daresay I would make many men miserable. There are many things in my life that I genuinely embrace, which others would likely find to be burdens.
All children come from God, and all are meant to be here, and therefore each individual life that comes into this world is a blessing. But when it comes to indivual family circumstances, to say that many children are always a blessing is like saying that all weather is always a blessing.
The weather also comes from God, and it brings us tempests that can wreak havoc. Also, different people are better suited to different climates — someone with asthma is more “blessed” living in the desert than in a cold, damp chill. Similarly, someone who is called to a life without children, who genuinely feels God is calling him/her to do other work, is blessed in a different way than those familes who are blessed with joyful Quiverfulls.
February 13th, 2009 at 1:11 am
Beth,
Our culture of contraception has led to an interesting reversal. We now view using birth control as “normal,” and not using it as proactive. Hence phrases like, “The Smiths are ‘trying’ for a baby.” But in reality, it is trying not to conceive that is proactive. “Normal” is allowing our bodies to work unhindered the way God made us. This may or may not lead to a baby. It is entirely in the Lord’s hands to bless us however He may choose. But when we decide we don’t want babies, and actively try to prevent them, we are putting ourselves in exactly the situation you describe of attempting to choose our blessings.
February 13th, 2009 at 4:33 am
That was a wonderful post! I get so agitated when I hear others go off on tangents and how they are so glad they don’t have kids and don’t want any, etc. I’m talking “Christian” women that do this. I tell them how much of a blessing my daughter is and how I want more (I want 5 eventually). I always get laughed at or asked if I have some mental problem for wanting that many. It hurts because these women are older in God and I’m younger and I wouldn’t expect this from them. The New Testament states how we are to love our husbands, guide the house and BEAR children. That is essentially the role of a woman and nothing to be scoffed at. So why are they not encouraging me in those scriptures but rather encouraging me to prevent future children for my “sanity” or so I can have more “me” time? I did learn a wonderful lesson when I had my daughter – that I was a selfish person! She has helped squash that selfishness because now I take care of another human being and I’m not just full of self anymore. Being a Mother has made me into a woman that I never thought I would become….it was blessing to just have her but also a blessing to me as a person!
It was such a blessing to read your post BUT……haha just kidding. ; ) I thoroughly enjoyed it, thanks!
February 13th, 2009 at 9:34 am
I dunno Mrs. P. I do heartily believe that children are gifts from God to be loved and appreciated fully but, I have to tell you…the idea that kids are hard on your marriage is not an urban legend. The hardest stage of our relationship so far has been the period immediately following the birth of our first child. It was really, really hard. We made it through but, I’m not sure how well we would have done if we had been newlyweds without a firm relationship base there yet. Adding our second baby to the family was also a very hard adjustment. I think it sounds very idyllic to say that kids are a blessing, pure and simple but, the fact is…they are wonderful but, also a very exhausting in a slew of ways. I love being a mommy and I hope for many more children but, I relish the breaks in between kids and I am still very glad that we waited to have children and knowing how extremely hard parenting has been on our marriage (two intelligent, financially stable, mature adults who came together willingly and carefully) I have great sympathy for the idea that this path is not for everyone. Maybe you’ve had an usually easy time with the adjustment kids bring but, I think its not that simple for most people. I guess I honestly believe the marriage is more important than maximizing your output of babies and you can’t make both the top priority.
February 13th, 2009 at 1:33 pm
There has always been a strong current of monasticism in Christianity which modern protestant/evangelical/post-reformation denominational churches lack. This current of monasticism has always offered a counter-balancing view to the vocation of marriage and childbearing. Traditionally couples have always had the choice not to bear children, if life circumstances or health make adding another child too hard. This is done by means of abstinence from sexual intercourse. In a word: Celibacy. Married couples can, theoretcially, live the spiritual, celibate life if necessary.
Mindboggling. But culturally what is odd is that now-a-days we go at it like bunnies but plan not to reproduce.
I think the non-catholic “quiverfull” mindset lacks this balance. Because just as one can quote that handy Psalm, another can quote St. Paul saying that it is better to remain celibate.
And no, being the chief of sinners, I don’t practice what I just preached.
February 13th, 2009 at 4:24 pm
For me, the verse from Proverbs 3:5 says it all: “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not to your own understanding.”
God knows MUCH better than I when it is appropriate to have a child. He knows the future. He knows what I can handle. And He will send the resources I need.
The birth of our first child has been nothing but a blessing. He’s taken care of everything to prove that hey, it WAS a good thing to just trust him with our fertility!
Who am I to stand in the way of one of his children being born?
I view my son as God’s child that I am fortunate enough to raise.
February 13th, 2009 at 4:31 pm
I think the quiverfull movement is a result of a hermeneutic which integrates the old and new testaments. God’s blessings for the believer for today should clearly be focused and centered on the spiritual over the physical. I believe we, as believers, need to humble ourselves before God to open to his leading in this area, rather than always assuming we know the will of God. You can box God out of your life this way, without even realizing it. You can say in your mind: it’s always the will of God for me to have more children, and if I die, I die. (Sounds kind of self-willed to me)
So, let me get this straight. In every other area of life, we go to God in prayer, asking for guidance. But in this ONE area, we do not. Are the Scriptures forthcoming in this area the way they are with: Do this in remembrance of me.. or Forsake not the assembling of yourselves together..? no. What is the pattern of speech around “Children are a blessing from the Lord. Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them”
This is not the language of a command. It’s hardly the language of a suggestion. It sounds like a happy hint. Do you want to be blessed, happy, full? Good. Children are it. They are awesome. They are better than a big home, a big truck.. an awesome vacation.
But where do we come off treating THIS like a command in the NAZI style of leadership for ourselves (I am guilty) and the way we view others (guilty again) and then in some sort of bizarre way.. using it as a measuring stick (stated or not.) of the godliness of other believers??? I can hardly think of anything less in the spirit of Christ than that. Putrid. Stinking pride. I’d rather the selfishness of the worldly Christian than this. I can say this because I’ve been there. I LOATHE the memories of my stinking pride and my down the nose snooty-tooty of the those “poor (unspiritual) families who only have two”
And IF indeed it is always the will of God for every believer to be producing as many children as humanly possible, why are there so many exceptions to this? I believe there are some believers who are so caught up with this that they can articulate the tenants of the full quiver ideology clearer than they can articulate the Gospel itself. Can this be honoring to God? Is producing children the end all be all of the Christian’s existence? If it IS not, then we can no more criticize a person’s selfishness in this area than we can criticize our own selfishness in other areas. There are real Christians right now dying for their faith in Jesus Christ because they refused to bow down to another God.
Shouldn’t this be what Christians are KNOWN for? not large or small families?
February 13th, 2009 at 5:09 pm
I loved this article and agree with the writer, but I wanted to clarify something for anyone not Catholic: the Church has never taught that married couples must have as many children as they are physically able to have. What we believe, though, is that since marriage is a holy vocation to serve God, that spouses must always remain open to that possibility. (And that we need to say yes to his will in this area, as in all others, even when it requires a great deal of suffering.)
However, God gives all of us the gift of discernment, and there may be times in a marriage when the husband and wife take a breather from intimacy — serious reasons of course, since we have a duty to one another. Yet this is fundamentally different than using contraception, which separates the two intertwined meanings of married sexual union: to unite the spouses, and to receive the gift of life. (These are called “unitive” and “procreative” sometimes.)
The Lord knows our situations, and our hearts. I truly believe that he might call some couples to avoid conception, through periodic abstaining. But he would never call people to avoid conception by frustrating the very nature of marriage through the use of contraception.
Excellent article. Thank you.
February 13th, 2009 at 6:12 pm
I had a tubal ligation six years ago; my husband and I believed, at the time, that we wanted no more children (we had two daughters) and we could afford no more children.
Over time, God has changed our hearts and we now long for more babies. We are researching tubal ligation reversals and pray He allows me to restore my body to bear more children, if that’s His will.
February 13th, 2009 at 9:09 pm
This is how I feel about the issue as well. We have Christian friends who are “waiting” until they’re “ready”… and while I can understand the desire to ensure you will be financially stable as you are adding to your family, the root of it all is a faith issue, isn’t it? I think people tend to forget that God will provide… his provisions may not mean Starbucks, concerts, and new cars… but provide He can!
February 14th, 2009 at 12:48 am
Ladies,
It appears based on several comments, that there is some clarification needed.
1. The purpose of my post was to address our attitude toward children, NOT to advocate “producing as many children as humanly possible,” or “maximizing your output of babies.” The point of this post is that children are a blessing. That is all. And that is why I chose those verses. I do not think that those Psalms command anything. They are statements of fact.
2. There is NO command in Scripture to have as many children as possible.
3. If it were the goal to have as many children as possible, then I would be writing blog posts about how we should all stop breastfeeding, or at the very least stop nursing at night so that we can get our fertility back sooner and produce more babies. And while we’re at it, maybe we should all be taking fertility drugs to ensure that we have twins or triplets every time. Notice, I do not advocate any of this.
4. A woman is not an inferior Christian if she doesn’t have as many children as someone else. She is not sinning if she doesn’t have as many children as someone else. She is not serving God less, or whatever else. I do not use the number of children anyone has as my “measuring stick of the godliness of other believers.” This is why I talk in my post about “Jane,” the godly woman, who for some reason does not appear to be blessed in the area in question.
5. If a woman and her husband aren’t able to have any kids at all, I have nothing even remotely negative to say about them. That would be why I said in my post, “not all of us are actually capable of giving birth to ten children, or five, or any.”
6. BUT, WHY does “normal” in the area of childbearing mean, “go on birth control, and then ask God IF you should have kids”?
7. Having babies is the biological default. It is the normal function of our bodies. NOT having babies is proactive. Using birth control is intentionally doing something to stop your body from behaving the way God made it to. That makes avoiding children the extraordinary act, NOT having them.
8. If younger women are supposed to marry and bear children, then why do we today take as our baseline the prevention of children?
9. I am not advocating Quiver-stuffed parenting, but I am wondering why most of Christendom feels that Quiver-empty is the right thing until “we’re ready,” or until “we feel called,” etc.
February 14th, 2009 at 1:22 am
Ah, Mrs. P…stirred the bees nest did you? I think you have seen that I believe in trusting God for our children BECAUSE they are a blessing, BECAUSE He is a better judge of all things in my life than I. You also know I only have one child and have never been given any more in eight years of waiting.
When it comes to giving each area of our lives over to our Father in heaven there will always be those who want to interject their own ‘common sense’ on the matter. If each of us, as christians, can stand before the Lord one day and truly say we have lived fully trusting in Him for our family (whether He gives one child or a dozen) than the contentment that comes with that is irreplaceable.
Yes, children are a blessing in any number.
February 14th, 2009 at 3:59 pm
Mrs. P, I appreciate the way you have chosen to handle your response to the comments that have been made here. I support you in this and agree wholeheartedly with your position.
I think that sometimes we filter the words of others through our own hurts, and it makes objectivity difficult. There has been a lot of hurt in the Christian world from those who consider themselves of the “quiverfull” mentality, toward those who do not. Despite these hurts, however, I think it’s important that those who do not agree with “quiverfull” theology remain slow to take offense when others share their position in a sincere desire to edify the body of Christ. Likewise, “quiverfullers” should remember that it is ultimately the Holy Spirit who is responsible for molding us into the people He wants us to become.
Sometimes God speaks to us in our hearts. Sometimes, He uses others to speak to us. In all things, let us be quick to hear, slow to speak, and slow to anger (James 1:19).
February 14th, 2009 at 9:03 pm
Mrs Parunak, what you stated in point 8 and 9 of your above comment is exactly what I’m wondering! You put it so well:
-begin your quote-
8. If younger women are supposed to marry and bear children, then why do we today take as our baseline the prevention of children?
9. I am not advocating Quiver-stuffed parenting, but I am wondering why most of Christendom feels that Quiver-empty is the right thing until “we’re ready,” or until “we feel called,” etc.
-end quote-
I wonder the same of why birth control and child prevention is pushed so hard and it is “looked down upon” in my circle if you have children. Some have said things to me as though I’m not blessed because I have a child. They would rather not have any and think it is a burden to have any. It isn’t like I’m saying we all must have our quiverfull (though happy is the man that does the Bible states) but WHY is the push for NOT having ANY children so prevalent? Why did I get told I needed to start taking birth control before I got married and that we shouldn’t have children for a long time or our marriage would fail? It is messed up and child prevention should be the main theme in Christendom.
February 14th, 2009 at 11:56 pm
Nice clarification Mrs. P. Thank you. I actually wasn’t clear on some of those points and your perspective. That helped.
I do believe society is generally off track with their baselines regarding how many children you should have and how soon and even Christian society is sadly veering in the same direction, so I can empathize with you there. I think it’s is wonderful if a couple feels ready to be parents and chooses to have children right away, but I also think it’s okay to wait a short period. But, then I’m also all subjective and think waiting “too long” seems in poor taste and that “being ready” is a very loose feeling and you can get far too picky in defining that standard of measurement.
Hope I didn’t make you angry. Thanks so much for continuing to talk.
February 15th, 2009 at 9:12 am
botanyhead,
Thank you for continuing to talk, too! Don’t worry, I’m not mad at you. I just sent you an e-mail with a few more personal thoughts just for our family. (Botanyhead is my dear, dear cousin-in-law, for everyone else reading this.)
February 15th, 2009 at 7:14 pm
I very much agree with your post, Mrs. P. I find it inconsistent that so many pastors find the command in Genesis to “leave, cleave,” and “become one flesh” a vital, relevant passage from the Old Testament for marriage, but rarely go on to instruct newlyweds to “be fruitful and multiply,” which is repeated (dare I say emphasized?) 3 or 4 times in Genesis. God is gracious to us in allowing “mulitplication” to be different numbers for different couples (assuming the couple is able to have children — my heart aches for couples who want children but cannot have them), but I can’t help but think that if we are interested in pleasing God, that we will be inclined to trust Him to decide that number for us, instead of trying to restrict it by default. My husband and I actually do have to choose when to wean our babies, so we can continue to have more children. I have gone over two years without a cycle while nursing, and as much as we love the incredible benefits of nursing, feel a great desire to let God add to our family while I am still young enough, if He should choose. I just weaned our 20-month-old last month in hopes of having another pregnancy. I know most of us feel a bonus from our or our spouse’s employer is a great blessing. Who would ever say, “yes, it is a blessing to get a bonus in pay, but such a responsibility. We’ll wait a few years to receive our first bonus…” Or “We’ve received two Christmas bonuses, they really are such a blessing, but we’ve have enough.” Many people strive to meet goals their employers set for them to allow them to receive a bonus. No one would ever question an employee trying to acquire the blessing of a bonus in pay…
February 15th, 2009 at 8:16 pm
I also appreciate your clarification, and your original post. I especially appreciate the tone of the discussion in general. Thank-you, ladies.
My husband and I always said that we’d have four kids and then see how it was going before adding any more. As our fourth child is now 9 months old, we’re approaching the time when our contemplations need to be made actions. This post, and the comments that followed, has been very helpful to me.
February 16th, 2009 at 4:58 am
Dear Mrs P, I love the concept of children are a blessing, well it’s from the bible isn’t it? However we don’t all have Nancy Campbell for a Mum.For some of us we just might end up like a scenario in Angela’s ashes.In the past the Catholics were generally the poor, hungry ones, look at South America now.If only we could get all our family life on the straight and narrow according to God’s plan, be fruitful and multiply and the blessings would truly flow. For some of us we just got the timing all wrong. Blessings to those of you heading in the right direction so early in life.From Linda
February 16th, 2009 at 12:15 pm
And I’m the one who stirred this mess. Mrs. P and I are still bestest blogging friends. (Yes, we have a big beautiful family, full of children) I just look at life very practically sometimes. Blessings to all of you.
February 16th, 2009 at 12:47 pm
I probably enjoy reading all this too much, maybe because I always enjoy a good debate! I have been part of both circles, the one that states you need to make sure you don’t prevent children because you may be preventing God’s best for your life…… or possibly preventing the future cure for cancer or some other hideous disease! And the other side of the coin who has told me that you don’t want to plant more tomatoes than you can handle!
My husband and I were married for two years before our son Noah was born, we had two previous miscarraiges before his birth. He has been nothing but a blessing! An adjustment, sure, but I have been constantly amazed at the joy he has brought to us and to our marriage.
Now expecting our second son we are excited, nervous as well wondering how everything will play out. But I couldn’t believe more that children are a blessing, whether they are born nine months after you are married, or several years.
I still question in my mind the idea of “planning your family” and wonder what God really thinks about that. I still don’t have any firm conclusions. Breastfeeding for spacing is something that doesn’t work for everyone. I got my fertility back around 10 months while still nursing through the night. A woman I know always got hers back around 2 months, and had five children in just over four years.
February 16th, 2009 at 6:24 pm
Blessings … but! Oh, how true! Loved the post. Love the clarifications! They are timely for me as we just had our third inside three years.
My life is crazy, but I love it. My dh is always my priority. Next are all of these little people who need so much of me.
In the words of an older, wiser mom of many: train ‘em until you like to be around ‘em!
February 16th, 2009 at 7:50 pm
I have enjoyed all the conversation here and this post very much. I wish I could have more time to say all I think, but time is not available to me much these days! I will say that I agree with you and am so thankful the Lord has changed my views that children are a blessing!
February 17th, 2009 at 3:08 pm
Speaking of blessings…
Just wanted to say that you are a HUGE blessing to me. Thanks for all of your thoughtful, challenging, and most importantly, biblically sound insights. They are such a help to a 22-year-old newlywed who doesn’t have very many godly women to look to for guidance
)
February 17th, 2009 at 3:38 pm
Amanda,
Thank you so much for your wonderful encouragement. Now, that’s a huge blessing to me!
February 20th, 2009 at 6:13 pm
Just a question. I am very fertile and begin my cycles (even with breastfeeding around the clock) about a month after I stop bleeding from birthing my baby. Those of you that don’t believe in birth control, are you just not that fertile (so you don’t have to envision yourselves with a couple dozen children before you have menopause) OR do you practice natural family planning?
What is the biblical difference between natural family planning and using a barrier method such as a condom without spermicide?
February 21st, 2009 at 12:06 pm
This article and string of comments is fabulous. I am currently breastfeeding both my 1 year old and 2 year old. I am hesitant to wean the 2 year old, as I probably would get pregnant right away. We plan on having a large family, God willing, but I have struggled with [guilty] feelings of not being quite ready to get pregnant right away because of how sick I get.
I it is true, no doubt, that children are a blessing. It is also true, no doubt, that they require a lot of self-sacrificing love, attention, and just plain hard work from mommy and daddy. Marriage and childrearing has opened my eyes to all of my shortcomings and sin that I was blissfully ignorant of as a single. I believe God uses marriage and childrearing for our sanctification and the joy from both is a perk (a huge one!)! I appreciate, Mrs. P, your boldness to say so many things on this blog that most of us just sweep under the rug.
February 22nd, 2009 at 12:12 am
Crystal,
I have never been in your situation. My children have all been conceived when the previous baby was thirteen months old. So it would be somewhat foolish for me to presume to advise you about a prospect I have never had to face, let alone live through.
I don’t know what it’s like to contemplate 24 children, or to face a major medical issue or a mental breakdown. It’s the people who have lived through these things who are qualified to address them.
I wrote this post for the average, young, healthy woman who may have never thought about the idea that maybe having children should be the norm, rather than preventing them; that maybe children are blessings despite the hard work and sacrifice, the morning sickness, and the sleepless nights.
I think you need to find someone qualified to address your situation, someone who has actually had children numbering in the upper teens (like the Duggars). Anything I say as I sit here pregnant with only my fourth is going to be lifeless theory.
As for your second question, personally, I don’t see any significant difference between natural family planning and barrier methods. They are both means of preventing children. And neither is abortifacient. I realize that there are people with convictions against one or the other, and I do want to be very careful because, even in this, I am giving a somewhat “off the cuff” answer. We don’t use any form of contraception or family planning. So we haven’t had to wrestle through what we would use if we thought for some reason that we had to.
February 22nd, 2009 at 1:15 am
Crystal, I know you asked for a “biblical” answer, not a “Catholic” answer, but I can tell you why my church believes even non-abortifacient contraception is wrong. The teaching is that sex with the procreative aspect removed from it is incomplete. The artificial barrier between husband and wife, and the incompleteness of their sexual and spiritual union, objectifies the participants. [In the interest of full disclosure, I will say my own husband is not Catholic, and we have decided to use contraception to prevent any more pregnancies -- though God might still choose to send us a baby some other way. But I do NOT think my example is one a devout Catholic person should follow.]
If you have some bad feelings about artificial birth control, maybe God is trying to tell you something? There are many excellent Web sites about Natural Family Planning, and I know many couples (even some non-Catholic ones, who simply want to live as naturally as possible) for whom it seems to work very well. In fact, I know some who claim it has brought them even more intimacy and improved marital communication.
February 22nd, 2009 at 11:36 pm
Thank you for this heartfelt article! I appreciate your refreshing candor in discussing our attitudes toward children. You inspired me to post on my own blog about the same subject. Even though my husband and I have let God plan our family, I can still fall into the trap of being annoyed with my children’s needs or finding them inconvenient at times. I need to keep in the forefront of my mind that these precious children are unique blessings from God Himself!
February 24th, 2009 at 3:09 pm
I am so glad you posted this as it is so true! It irritates me that so many Christians are willing to say they are blessings and then add the disclaimer. Even many of your commenters kept using the \…but\ word perhaps unwittingly, which I found humourous.
I agree with a commenter who mentioned spiritual blessings. The reason many, including myself at times, are so hesitant about the blessings of children is because they are a hard blessing at times. While you argued that good health is never rejected as a blessing and sounds absurd to us if it were, I was thinking, \But good health is much easier to maintain than children!\ If good health required that people be sliced open (c-sections), affected their marriage, caused family life (other children) to suffer from mom’s endless nausea, cost them tens of thousands of dollars, and required 14 hours a day of work and little sleep, caused them to get a new house and a new car, all of us would think twice about desiring or pursuing good health. For most of us, being healthy involves exercise and eating right, maybe just a couple of hours of commitment per day. We feel better when we have good health but we feel physically and emotionally drained so often after a day of caring for children.
Kids, are definitely wonderful blessings, blessings who make life a lot busier and require money, time, energy, and dedication. I view my children as incredible blessings and want to have more. I’m always mindful that it needs to be a prayerful decision on the part of my husband and I so that we are doing our best to take care of the blessings we have and train them in godliness. I don’t believe we should have packed quiverfulls of blessings if our kids don’t behave like blessings and aren’t blessing those around us because we are too overworked and exhausted in every way by keeping up with their care and needs. I say this as one who had 3 kids 3 and under (they are now 3 kids 4 and under) and want more children so it’s not because I think we all need to limit.
I think we have to remember all the biblical commands and have a balanced view. Some are anti-kids and some are dogmatic quiverfullers and we have to consider all of the Bible. Staying out of debt, loving one another, taking the Gospel to the lost, training our kids in godliness, etc. Can we have more children and stay out of debt? Will we prayerfully seek to stop having kids after a few so we can live on the mission field to minister? etc. These are just thoughts that run through my head as I consider this subject.
Thanks for a great post!
August 11th, 2009 at 6:41 pm
I liked what you had to say … though I didn’t have time to read every comment. I’m expecting our 4th blessing. And recently became “Moma” to a niece – who at 2 1/2 had never been disciplined. I would have loved to have had more, and have 5 babies in heaven. My dad raised 5 children, between us, he’ll have 25 grandchildren by the end of this year. When we manage to get all of them in the same place, we have so much fun, we have 4 born within 5 months of each other.
But when I tell people that me, at 41, am expecting a 4th child, they always act so shocked and feel sorry for me. I don’t know why – I wouldn’t miss out on my 4 year olds TLC for anything, even when he’s a handful. I treasure them all – even my newest blessing that requires so much attention.
I don’t follow the whole Quiverfull movement – but they do have a lot of good things to say. I always say take what you can use and leave the rest, you don’t have to buy the whole grocery store.
Blessings are not always easy – not even good health. I love to eat foods that make me fat, some of them I can reason are healthy foods – like whole wheat bread and cheese. I fell out of a tree as a child and damaged my back, exercise hurts. But do either of these things keep me from pursuing good health?
Even maintaining a nice house is hard work. I wouldn’t avoid having a home just because I’ve got to put time and effort into yardwork and housework. You make time and energy for what is important to you.
September 18th, 2009 at 12:20 am
GREAT article! Thank you so much for this. The idea that it’s a command to make babies like rabbits is so silly…it’s nothing like that. It’s a heart issue. If our heart is submitted to God, and we believe that He is the author and finisher of our faith, we must believe He gives blessings that our world views as drawbacks today. Our yardstick isn’t how many children we have, but our heart with the Lord-personally.
Mrs Peacock, I hope you read this here…I, too had a tubal ligation after our 4th child. I had it reversed after the Lord changed our hearts, and we have just had our 5th baby and are praying for more! I pray you are able to have the reversal to become submitted to Him in that area.
God Bless your work here.
September 26th, 2009 at 12:26 am
I stumbled onto your blog a while back while I was looking for resources for Christian women. I am hoping you or any of the ladies who read your blog can offer me some assistance. Heres my problem. I have stopped using birth control pills after using them for several years. I origionally began taking them in my teens to treat horrible menstrual cramps. Now that I am not taking the pill my cramps are worse than ever. For the first two days of my cycle I am in such pain I am unable to function. Tylenol and other over the counter products provide no relief. I have been to 4 doctors in the past 5 months and they all have the same answer. When I tell them I will not take the birth control pill I am told there is nothing they can do for me. There is no known medical cause for my extreme pain I have been checked for endometriosis, cysts, cancer and any other problem. Im at my witts end! I cant deal with this much more. Anyone have any ideas, suggestions or advice?
September 27th, 2009 at 8:28 am
Mrs. Oliviera,
I’m so sorry to hear about the trouble you are having! I don’t have any personal experience with cramps this bad, but I have made your question into its own post, so that as many other people as possible can see it.
I will pray for you.