We hear a lot of Christian parenting advice about “first time obedience,” the idea that children should only have to be asked once to do something, that they should immediately respond with a cheerful, “Yes, Mommy” (or “Yes, ma’am,” if you’re from the South), and then do what you’ve asked. This is great and a perfectly reasonable standard for children, and I must admit to feeling irritation when I find myself asking more than once about something.
But today I got to thinking about the spirit in my children when they ignore my first (or second, or third…) request. It’s a spirit of selfishness, of consumption with the present activity, of not wanting to change direction until it’s convenient, and I realized something. That’s the same spirit that I am exhibiting when I don’t correct them right away the first time they disobey, the first time I hear a scream of sinful anger or frustration, the first time I see signs of a brewing fight. When I put my phone conversation, my blog comment, my recipe ahead of doing my job as their mother at the first signal that they need me, then I am being a hypocrite if I expect them not to put their games, their block towers, their conflicts ahead of doing their jobs as children and obeying my voice. I’m always telling my children, “Slow obedience is no obedience.” Well, maybe slow mothering is no mothering. Doing what is right has to come before finishing the present project, and that goes for everyone, including me.
And just as I want them to obey me right away and with a cheerful attitude, I need to correct them right away and with a cheerful attitude. But how often am I annoyed that they “interrupted me,” as if mothering were less important than finishing the paragraph I was reading or the laundry I was folding? How is that any different from my children being annoyed that I interrupted them with a request that they set the table or include a younger sibling?
I used to think that I struggled with “consistency,” with applying the same standard at all times, but now I realize it isn’t “consistency” that I struggle with at all, it’s just selfishness, lazy selfishness. It’s not wanting to be interrupted. It’s not wanting to stand up, or walk down the hall, or ask my friend to wait a moment.
It’s time I held myself to the same standard I have for my children: “first time and with a cheerful attitude.”
March 5th, 2009 at 8:51 pm
I think I’ll join the lazy selfish mother’s club also! ugh. convicting. Yesterday, Will met someone in the Y Cafe.. (he has a Bible-study discussion every Wednesday in the Y cafe), and he met a single mother of four children. She asked about me and what I did. I said, “Did you tell her that I”m a lazy bum?” He said, “No way. I just started telling her all that you did, and she was overwhelmed..” I said, “You should have told her the truth!” Nevertheless, he’s fooled.
March 5th, 2009 at 9:23 pm
Great post…and very convicting!! I tend to be guilty of the hesitation to interrupt what I’m doing in order to correct bad behavior until it escalates and demands my attention. We try to teach our children to obey “swiftly, sweetly, and completely;” you are so right that I need to make sure my mothering models that standard!
March 5th, 2009 at 11:33 pm
Wow. Just… wow. I know exactly where you’re coming from and your words hit SO incredibly close to home. I just love reading your blog, God uses SO MANY of your articles to speak directly to my heart and tell me exactly what I need to hear. Thank you, Mrs. P.
March 6th, 2009 at 1:04 am
\Slow mothering is no mothering\… ouch! Convicting for sure. I have started a policy with myself that there will be no computer while the kiddo’s are awake for just this reason. I want to be present with them (mentally and physically) and the emails and blogging can wait until naps/bed. But you know, that desire to push aside can come from any activity, as you so nicely reminded me- it’s about an attitude of putting them first. What a great reminder!
March 6th, 2009 at 1:18 am
So true, so true. I suppose each sin we carry in our lives can be boiled down to selfishness. This one in particular can have a long lasting effect on our homes, though.
March 6th, 2009 at 3:01 am
Wow, that is really true. I never thought of it like that!
March 7th, 2009 at 1:34 am
Wow. My thoughts seem to run in the same vein as the previous comments. I can’t count the number of times I say, “Just a minute, let Mommy finish” the dishes or the laundry or whatever super important thing I’m doing. Then I end up yelling when my delay gives room for their sin to multiply. Thank-you for this wonderful, painfully convicting post.
March 7th, 2009 at 6:01 pm
I have found this to be the truth with me as well. Great post and insight.
March 8th, 2009 at 1:59 am
I guess I make distinctions myself, depending on the task and its purpose.
For example, if the kids do something that needs my attention, and I happen to be doing something like handling raw chicken for our family dinner, I don’t necessarily think I’m a bad mother for taking a few minutes to put the chicken in the pan and wash my hands before I give them my full attention.
But if I’m doing something like reading/commenting on blogs, that’s another story!
March 9th, 2009 at 12:41 am
DearMrs P,I agree with you, we have to set the standard and we’re imperfect so we have to give our children some slack too.I found the instant obedience style very difficult and once I started homeschooling life just got easier cos the kids just got better behaved.Books by Charlotte Mason and Trumball were a Godsend to me beause their parenting styles were gentler but outcome and attitude based.I pray that I am training my children the way they should go, it’s a long term goal isn’t it?
March 9th, 2009 at 8:37 pm
Dear Mrs P I didn’t think you’d publish that last comment . I do hope that lots of comments will still be made on first time obedience because it’s a subject I’m still trying to come to terms with. On all the sites I look up, like Vision Forum, it seems to be very important, but its the doing it that I find difficult.
March 9th, 2009 at 11:34 pm
Linda,
I believe I took the comment off that you were referring to. I am working on an e-mail response for you, and I should, Lord willing, be able to send it in the next couple of days.
March 10th, 2009 at 2:36 pm
I love this post! I read it when you first posted it and haven’t stopped thinking about it. It has really helped me in dealing with my kids. Thanks!
March 10th, 2009 at 7:00 pm
I really loved this post. Thank you so much. It was so timely with what the Lord was already speaking to me. Thank you Thank you ! If it is alright I might link this post to my blog??
March 10th, 2009 at 8:17 pm
Michelle,
I’d be happy for you to link to it! Thank you for asking.
March 13th, 2009 at 3:17 pm
Excellent and convicting thoughts! You are so right on the first time obedience being so very important. Our heavenly Father expects first time obedience out of us and when we don’t comply there is discipline involved.
Slow mothering is no mothering… now these are words I need to remember!!!
March 18th, 2009 at 7:55 am
I’m always telling my children, “Slow obedience is no obedience.”
We have a disobedience rhyme to: “To delay is to disobey.”
I feel like a broken record sometimes so maybe I’ll mix it up, or maybe work on slow mothering.
Thank you for this wonderful post.
March 28th, 2009 at 10:58 am
I linked this post to my blog like I mentioned earlier. Thank you.
http://shelookethwell.blogspot.com/2009/03/gently-rebuked-in-blogworld.html
In Him,
Michelle
March 28th, 2009 at 12:29 pm
OMG, you really hit home with this post. I’m so thanful you posted this message. Be blessed!
March 28th, 2009 at 12:37 pm
That was really wonderful. I used to feel convicted about that when my children were still at home. Now that they are grown, “The days are long and hard to fill; I wish that I could do, the little things you asked me to,” like that poem says.
Now, I am sometimes the one who has to obey my sons (yes!) and I don’t always do it the first time. I’m remembering the time my son ordered me not to use Firefox internet, because it is less protected. I kept using it anyway, even though he is an adult and the computer expert. I heard him fiddling around at the computer one day, and then he said, “There! Now you can’t use it!” and I realized that he had taken Firefox away from me permanently by deleting it from the computer, knowing that I don’t have the computer skills to put it back! Boy, have the tables turned.
I also wonder what the Lord thinks when we don’t obey him quietly and swiftly the first time He asks us to do something for Him!
Good post! (I have to type in: suffer systems to get this comment to take!)
March 28th, 2009 at 1:43 pm
Woooo……..Talk about being slammed with conviction……Thank you so much for pointing out my own selfish laziness..I have 2 teenagers..no wonder they, too, are slow to act! An eye-opening revelation for sure.
God Bless,
Deb
March 28th, 2009 at 2:09 pm
Even as all my children are adults, I believe this still applies! They need our attention even in adulthood. Good post, thanks!
March 28th, 2009 at 3:15 pm
We say, “Immediately, joyfully, and completely!”
I have to admit, though, that I don’t often intervene, when I hear my children about to quarrel or having a disagreement about something. Sometimes I don’t even intervene even if someone is clearly in the wrong. If someone comes to me to tattle, I often say, “Go work it out!” I find it important that they don’t always have Mommy stepping in to correct and fix things all the time. They need to experience friction in a safe place and learn to resolve conflict on their own. You know? I feel like I’m here for those things that they cannot resolve on their own. I might just listen in and later when things aren’t heated between them teach the how they could have done better.
March 28th, 2009 at 10:44 pm
I just found your blog through Michelle at She Looketh Well. I knew what your post was going to be about just from the title and felt that tingle of conviction begin even before reading it.
Sadly, this speaks straight to my conscience. It is also affirming some things that my husband has been speaking to me about in regard to my own heart. Thank you for posting this. Thank you for being willing to examine your own heart. And, through it exposing mine.
Tasha
March 29th, 2009 at 10:22 pm
Oh I agree with Daja’s words above too. Our children need to learn how to cope for when they leave the nest! Good insight!
March 30th, 2009 at 10:53 am
Yes, I know what you mean. On both counts.
Having a cheerful heart as I tell my child for the 5th time to be quiet because I’m having my bible study, well it’s almost impossible for me to do. I know ironic. I’m upset WHILE doing my Bible study.
August 5th, 2009 at 9:30 am
I was planning to write something like this myself on my blog, but you did it so beautifully, that I’m just going to post a quote and a link. God convicted me of this very same thing lately because I have a newborn and an 18-month old. The 18-month old knew I wasn’t about to stop nursing to get up and correct him-he got out of control so quickly, getting into all the things he was not allowed to touch! But just a few times of popping the baby off my breast and setting him on the floor to get to my toddler for that instant correction made all the difference in the world in getting him back on track. I’m now much more grateful when I need to correct when I’m doing something that is more easily interruptable than nursing or burping a newborn. Peace is returning to our home, and sanity. Now my toddler responds to “No” from across the room, because he knows that if he does not, my priority is to correct him. Thanks for such an inspiring post–just the boost I needed. It’s helping set the example for the older ones, too (4, 10, and 15), just like you said.
October 13th, 2009 at 9:58 pm
OK, so that was totally convicting!
Great post!