Love is patient –1 Corinthians 13:4
And then there are the bad days. Like today, for instance, when we’re hopelessly behind schedule and the only way to get our morning seat work done is by skipping chores and clutter clean-up (the tension rises), when workbook pages are crammed down unwilling and fretful throats amid cries of “I can’t make an eight!”(the teeth clench), when lunch is so late the toddler is too hysterical to eat and has to be force-fed her first few bites until she calms down (the grumpy face sets), when the bickering, and needling, and disagreeing begins to rival the British Parliament and children have to be separated to stop the poking fingers (the tone of voice disintegrates), when just as we make it to nap time (an hour late, mind you), the toddler has to go number two (I’ve lost my patience), and I’m sitting in the bathroom wondering how to redeem the rest of my day.
Argh. Harumph. And grumble.
But this is only natural, right? What mother isn’t driven crazy sometimes? Who doesn’t have days when she wants to announce ruefully that she’s losing her patience? It’s normal, right?
It is socially acceptable these days to lose your patience (as long as you don’t get wildly out of control and break stuff). And it’s not just children that can send us over that selfish cliff. Everyone from annoying salespeople to chronically sinning and unrepentant adult family members are justified patience robbers. Just saying it, with that touch of gritty vehemence, “I’m losing my patience!” has such an edgy, modern, non-doormatish ring. No husband, or child, or irritating acquaintance is going to provoke me endlessly. No, ma’am. I have limits. I’m tired of the fussing. I’m tired of the fighting. I’m tired of the frustration. Now they’re going to have to reckon with me. I’m justified in saying something nasty. I’m losing my patience.
But you know what’s brought me up short lately? It’s the fact that patience is one of the defining attributes of love. In fact, it’s the first one mentioned in Paul’s famous love chapter (1 Corinthians 13). If I’ve lost my patience, how loving am I really being? Not very. In fact, maybe it’s even safe to say that when I’m growling inwardly that I’ve “lost my patience,” that what I really ought to be saying is, “I’ve lost my love.”
Oooh.
That one has a much different ring to it. That one sounds pretty serious. I mean, there are some rather stern warnings about love, for example,
He that loveth not knoweth not God; for God is love. –1 John 4:8
If I’ve lost my patience, I’m not being loving. If I’m not being loving, I’m acting like I don’t even know God. I’ve forsaken His greatest attribute. You can’t get much further removed from godliness than that.
Should I stop the bickering? Yes. Should I require that my children master writing the number eight joyfully? Of course. Should I try to reclaim the days when my sechedule goes haywire? Absolutely. But I should never do any of these things because I’m so mad, because I just “can’t take it anymore,” because I’ve lost my patience. I have to do these things only because they are my duty, my portion under the sun, my appointed tasks from my heavenly Father. Ditto for dealing with more serious patience robbers, like loved ones who hurt me repeatedly. I may very well need to confront them with thier sin, but not because I’ve lost my patience, not because they’ve pushed me to my breaking point, but because that’s what God has asked of me. Anything less, and I’m on wicked territory. Losing patience is losing love.
April 22nd, 2009 at 10:48 pm
Hi sweetie! You know that the ability to be patient with someone is an act of the will, even though it is hard. Our heavenly father looks down with a loving smile and says, Look at the poor, tired mother with her precious little ones, trying so hard to serve me joyfully. Maybe that baby is just getting bigger and sucking the physical strength out of you right now, and everything is just plain harder to do. The physical demands of mothering are very real. Get comfortable. The figure 8 maker needs to go outside and run some eights. The pooper just needs to laugh about her poops, even though it’s naptime, and the Mom well, she just needs a lunch date out with a friend and a laugh. Somehow patience WILL return.
April 22nd, 2009 at 11:02 pm
This is an excellent point. How often do I find myself in the same shoes while keeping my home. Thanks for the honest conviction.
April 23rd, 2009 at 1:32 am
There is a story of when my daughter was quite small, 3 or 4yo. I did exactly what you’re talking about and told her I had lost my patience. My tone was curt, my face was miserable and my little girl took my hand and said, “that’s okay, mommy, you can have some of my ‘paytents’ to help” That’s when I made the connection between patience and love. Sometimes kids get it better then parents do!
April 23rd, 2009 at 2:03 am
After reading this my first thought was “Who told you about my evening??” Your note really struck a cord in me. Thank you!
It is so easy to justify becoming impatient when everything seems to go wrong! Next time I start losing patience I will try remember your note. Thanks again!
April 23rd, 2009 at 4:04 pm
OWWWCHIE!!!
Thank you! This was me today at nap time for the little guy.
April 23rd, 2009 at 8:52 pm
Mrs. P, your posts are always so gently, yet truthfully, convicting. Thank you for this excellent perspective. And the Lord timed it well; as I was in the middle of composing my comment, my overtired two year old got out of bed, and I just spent a good 20 minutes getting him settled back in – without getting angry or even annoyed! It is amazing how much better it feels to respond with patience and love. Thanks again!
April 24th, 2009 at 4:31 pm
I agree that losing one’s patience should not be any parent’s excuse to give in to a child-like outburst.
I think the WAY of losing patience matters much more than whether or not it is lost. God gave us our breaking points for a reason — we need to use them wisely!
For instance, when my kids were small and misbehaved in public, losing my patience often meant going home, immediately — which, in retrospect, was usually the best thing to do.
Losing my patience with a teenager frequently results in suspension of privileges. Sometimes losing my patience leads to “tough love” — which often doesn’t look very loving on the surface (certainly not to the child being disciplined, in the moment).
I try to always keep in mind, it’s when my kids are hardest to love that they need my love the most.
April 26th, 2009 at 6:18 am
Dear Mrs P, some christian preachers on t.v would just tell you to get over it, but I’m not going to. I love your honesty.If christians speak the truth to each other we can all encourage and help each other to grow, lovingly and with patience. Yes we all have bad days, thankgoodness we can pray daily for our daily bread spiritual as well as material.From Linda.
April 26th, 2009 at 9:52 pm
Thank you for this.
April 28th, 2009 at 5:04 pm
This is so right. I found in my own life when I was losing my patience WAY too often that once I began to have my quiet times with Jesus first thing in the morning, it really helped me. I still am not “perfect”, but I am just reminded how desperately I need His help daily and can do nothing in my own strength. Especially keep my patience!
Great post!
April 28th, 2009 at 9:08 pm
Oh wow. I just love you, Mrs. P. You always say things that stick with me… and change me, and make me strive to be a better mom/wife/follower of Jesus. Thank you so much for your ministry. I’m so blessed to know you.
April 28th, 2009 at 9:55 pm
Rina,
Thank you for your wonderful encouragement! I’m so blessed to know you, too.
April 29th, 2009 at 9:34 am
This is such a great post! “Losing Patience is Losing Love”. What a very wise statement–now I just need to remember it in those “moments”! I hopped over from At the Well and I’m so glad to meet you. ^_^
May 1st, 2009 at 11:01 am
Thank-you for this post. What a wonderful gift you have given to MY children.
When I look back on the (many) times I have lost my patience, I see that it is when I have been the most selfish. When my plans are interupted…when I have to do something I don’t want to…”can’t they see I’m researching/learning things that will make me a better mom/teacher/nutritionally minded cook? I’m doing it all for them!” HA!
I’m doing it for me…but I should be doing it all for HIM.
Thank-you again for the reminder to LOVE my children.
Anita
June 2nd, 2009 at 4:00 pm
Hi,
Thank you for sharing your post. I’m a 22-yr-old mother with an 8-month-old, and currently battling depression over some rough patches in life. Too often as well, I’ve lost my patience. I’ve never had much patience for babies to begin with, and their demanding nature is truly draining even for a person that loves babies to bits.
I commend you and respect you for highlighting the importance of patience. You’re right, it is an important part of love. But I hope you do not guilt yourself thinking you are detached from God every time you lose patience. Each aspect of love that Paul writes in Corinthians can be challenging from time to time — forgiveness, endurance, trust, etc. — depending on one’s circumstances. It’s human to fall short from time to time. When we \lose it\, our behaviours become unloving, but that doesn’t mean we have completely lost the loving intentions within us. God knows that, and moreover, He knows that you will return to His way. That’s why inside you, you feel the Spirit telling you to calm down.
Each day I still struggle with my impatience, but when it simmers down, I say a prayer for strength. I know this is a process, and my living conditions make it harder. I ask for help from others, and yes, it is also wise to take some time off from being Mommy. Remember, the humble patience isn’t always achieved instantly, or when needed. God knows we will fall again, time-to-time, in this imperfect world. What’s good to know is God will have patience with us.
September 19th, 2009 at 4:49 pm
Love is indeed Patience, and love is all we need because he first loved us and has commanded us to love back.