I’m still pregnant.
This should not be too much of a surprise since I’m not even due until May 9th. But even though it’s not surprising, it is a little…disappointing, frustrating, wearying. Every morning I think, “I just wish I knew when the baby was coming. Then I could pace myself.” I keep telling the Lord that this or that would make a good birthday, but He, being infinitely wiser than I, has thus far disagreed. And I am waiting.
We get few chances in life for this kind of waiting. Usually, we have some kind of information, a tracking number for our package (look, it’s made it to the depot!), a date for our wedding (like my cousin’s delightful fiancee, who posted recently on Facebook that it was “four weeks and six days”). But when we’re pregnant, only God knows the schedule. We have a due date, of course, but it’s just the center of one of those old fashioned bell curves. We could easily be early, or late (sigh). A due date doesn’t define a day so much as an entire month of possibility. And all that month we sit on pins and needles, waiting.
And what are we waiting for? A baby, yes, but we’re also waiting on God, learning to trust His timing on something we earnestly desire, but have very little control over (the temptation to lace our cookie dough with Pitocin, notwithstanding), learning to say, “Yes, I thought April 28th would be a great day for a birth, but You know better than I do, and I’m just going to rest in Your knowledge and judgment, Your wisdom and plans, even when I’m waddling around like a scatterbrained duck, even when my hips ache, or my hand falls asleep (again!), even when a promising contraction is followed by…nothing. Even then, I have no other choice but to go on, waiting.
You would think that since I’ve done this three times before that somehow I would have already learned this lesson. Apparently, I haven’t. In fact, I’m more impatient than ever. Maybe it’s because I feel so prepared (“oh, yeah, bring on the baby; we got clothes; we got diapers; I know what to do with an infant!”). Maybe it’s a sense of entitlement (“my first baby was two weeks late; my second was two days late; my third was on her due date; so if we follow the trend, this one should be early!”). Maybe it’s just proof that I have a long way to go in actually learning to rest in the Lord instead of in my own schedules, devices, and plans. I should be glad for this chance to step outside of my own created order, glad for this chance to be reminded of Who it is who really runs the universe, this chance to work at being joyful and peaceful when I don’t get my way, to practice trusting, hoping, resting, waiting.
Wait on the LORD: be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the LORD. –Psalm 27:14
April 30th, 2009 at 8:32 am
I think its harder to wait with third, fourth and fifth babies because it feels like you’re in labor All the time (or at least I do). It always feels like its on the verge of kicking off because your body knows so well what to do. My doctor says that’s why she has more false starts with later babies than with first ones. Because, of course, once it does finally kick into gear, you have less time.
April 30th, 2009 at 11:59 am
Thank you for this blessed word.
And might I add, sometimes… oftentimes… the waiting is not in anticipation of an upcoming event but waiting for resolution or peace regarding an unexpected past event. God uses so much of this life to draw us into resting in His arms.
April 30th, 2009 at 1:16 pm
Mrs. P, I know EXACTLY how you feel. Most of my babies have been late, but when number four was FOUR WEEKS late, I thought I was going to go crazy. Thankfully, we have two supportive midwifes and a supportive doctor who were willing to wait it out with me (with lots of monitoring, of course!) and baby number four was eventually born right on time… God’s time, that is. Certainly not mine! Like you, I think the most difficult thing for me was that I was so READY. The clothes were freshly washed, the meals were frozen, the birthing pool was out, and the house was clean… and I wanted it to STAY clean! After that experience, I took it much more slowly with baby number five. I was completely unprepared… the house was a wreck, my birth doula was at work and couldn’t get off for a few hours, and I don’t think I’d gotten the baby clothes out of storage. But I was totally relaxed and had an amazing birth!!! I’ll be praying for you… and in the mean time you might consider putting the baby clothes back in storage.
April 30th, 2009 at 2:17 pm
My mother likes to say that all you need to do to put yourself into labor is plan some big event or undertaking – like painting the entire downstairs. Of course it’s not enough to just decide to do it, you must go buy the paint, pull out all the furniture, cover everything in plastic and get one room half finished and presto, the baby decides to come! I used to think she was joking, but then…
Our sixteen yr. old was due June 16th. By mid-May I had dropped, completely effaced, and was begining to dialate. My doctor was sure I was going to go anytime and stated that he wasn’t all that concered with my being too early since it was a girl. Well, we began to worry a bit. Not about the baby coming, but because we were all set to move (my older brother was going back to school and we were moving into a bigger apartment so he could move in with us). Because of the predictions of the doctor we postponed our move to the end of June thinking that would give me a little time to recover before having to move. Hahahahah!!! Not only did May come and go, but so did the due date!!! Talk about anxiety. Our move was set for the very end of June and the closer I got the more worried (and tired of being pregnant) I became. I have since decided anxiety (or long walks, or spicy food, or lifting and moving heavy objects/boxes, or my husbands personal favorite – finding every bumby road in the county to drive on, or anything else) does not bring on labor. It’s just God’s timing. At any rate, after all was said and done, I went into labor at 10:00pm the night before we were set to move. Understanding that there was a good likelihood that I would be unable to be much help in the moving process as we approached the move date, I had clearly marked, with color coded lables, where every box should go, and even briefed on the outside of each box what it’s contents were in case there was any doubt. But, having men (these were family and friends) move you while you and your husband are in the hospital is a recipe for disaster despite your very best efforts!! I’m glad my husband and brother had a couple of days to try and sort through the choas before I came home! By the way, my father thought it was the most original way he’d ever heard of for anyone getting out of all the heavy lifting part of moving. I think I’d rather do the lifting.
I wish you the very best and can completely understand what you’re going through.
April 30th, 2009 at 10:48 pm
Wow! I forgot how painful it is to wait for a baby. Take up knitting. It’s safe, cheap and productive and can be done while you are in labor. I’m no help since I am not patient at all, but I somehow remember being very anxious for the whole thing to be over with. Just like God can do supernatural things like put someone in labor, he’s the only one who can do something supernatural like give us peace while we wait. hugs.
April 30th, 2009 at 10:54 pm
I’m due a month after you are with my third child, and I know what you mean…it would be so much easier to plan if we knew the date for sure! Not knowing when exactly baby will arrive, I feel hesitant to make any plans in June at all. It is certainly a good opportunity to practice waiting on the Lord and His perfect timing!
May 1st, 2009 at 3:04 am
My dear Mrs. P,
I am sure every mom who sees this post will understand you thoughts. At least you waiting for a beautiful baby – you could be waiting for court date or an operation. Does that help?
I will keep you in my thoughts.
May 1st, 2009 at 11:34 am
I am already feeling that tinge….. and I still have over 4 weeks to go! My husband and I are traveling to TN for our anniversary this weekend….. so hopefully that won’t spark the inconvenience factor that so often triggers labor…. although it would be a story.
I can’t wait to meet your little one:-) and find out the name:-)
knitting is good…. I have been crocheting up a storm… of course my little toddler has taken up insomnia as a hobby which has helped the whole crocheting factor.
Do you cook ahead? You could do the 30 meals in a day thing…. that might just do the trick:-)
May 3rd, 2009 at 4:28 pm
Hang in there! Not too much longer….that baby is going to be perfectly finished. You’re a fabulous mama, hang tight!
May 4th, 2009 at 11:41 pm
Wow, I still feel like it was yesterday when I was thinking these same thoughts with Noble’s birth and you had just found out you were pregnant. I am still so excited to hear about your new arrival when he/she arrives!