About a year ago, I wrote a post called, A Garden Enclosed: The Importance of Modesty…And Immodesty. In it, I discussed an issue that’s very near to my heart: the principle that the reason we are modest out in the world is that immodesty is so beautiful, so special, and so powerful. It is a force that feeds our marriages, thrills our husbands, and helps ensure that we produce the godly seed that the Lord says He desires (Malachi 2:15). It is a force that applied in the wrong place can be deadly, destroying purity, feeding lust, and leaving broken relationships in its wake.
Recently, a great comment was left on that post:
A question I have been pondering is how do we educate our daughters in this regard? As a young girl in a Christian home I received lots of teaching about not having sex before marriage, being modest etc. It was very hard for me to get my head around the fact that once I was married I could now be passionate and sexy without feeling bad. I want my children not to only receive “no” messages about intimacy as they grow up. How do we teach them about the “yes” messages without making it more difficult for them to remain pure?
This is so important. If we raise pure daughters by making them prudes, then we’ve crippled them. We’ve helped them save themselves for marriage without teaching them how to give themselves away when the time comes. They are treasures in a chest with no key that will have to be hacked open slowly, painfully, with frustration and disappointment. Every woman who’s had to struggle through that awful feeling of internal conflict when something that was “bad” her whole life is supposedly transformed into something “good” in the course of one afternoon just because she put on a fancy dress and got a new piece of jewelry, every one of them wants something better for her daughters. But at the same time, every woman who watches her husband get beat up and brutalized by the daily battle for purity in an “if you’ve got it, flaunt it” world, wants her daughters to be considerate and not trash the men around her. How do we train them to be both pure and modest in public and yet prepare them to one day be their husband’s burning fire in private?
My oldest daughter is still only five, so I cannot speak from the perspective of someone who’s walked this road all the way to the end (and I’d really love to hear from any older women out there who’ve actually raised daughters all the way to marriage), but my husband and I have given this a lot of thought, and I’m happy to share what we’re attempting to do in hopes that it sparks ideas for others.
My husband and I are taking a two-pronged approach. First, we try to tell it like it is. We believe that we cannot afford to take the easy path of ensuring our daughters’ modesty by grossing them out. “Oh dear, that nasty woman over there is showing her cleavage. Ew! We certainly don’t do that in this family.” We tell even our young children that God made our bodies beautiful, and that looking at immodest bodies is exciting, but the reason God made it that way is to bless our marriages. When we look at people we’re not married to, who are showing off their bodies in immodest ways, we’re stealing from our future spouse. We tell our children to look away from immodesty, not because it’s “yucky,” but because they need to “save their eyes.” We encourage them to be modest, not because immodesty is so “shocking” or “embarassing,” but because immodesty is “only for your husband to enjoy, not everyone else.”
Secondly, my husband and I try to be good examples to our children. Our culture is hyper-sexual, with indiscriminate use of immodesty everywhere: splashed across billboards, magazine covers, ads, fliers, even packaging (tried to buy anything for use in a swimming pool lately?). It would be easy to equate all immodesty with evil if you’re constantly inundated with the wrong uses of it. The only place our children have a chance of being exposed to godly uses of immodesty is at home. One way, we do that is at laundry folding time. Our children know that I don’t wear much to bed. We don’t go into any details about what might happen in bed. We simply say that it’s very important for husbands to get to see their wives’ bodies, and bed is a convenient time because then no one else is around who might be tempted to look at what isn’t theirs. So, out of the laundry basket comes something small and married, and I say cheerfully, “That’s one of my immodest nightgowns I wear for Daddy.” Sometimes, my older daughter will ask me why I wear immodest nightgowns for Daddy, and then I get to say, “Oh, because it’s so much fun for Daddy. God wants men to be able to enjoy their wives’ bodies.”
Now, a lot of people worry that any exposure to sexual subjects will make it harder for their children to be pure. But I think that mindset misses two important points. First, our children will be exposed to sexual things. We can’t prevent it unless we plan on moving to a desert island someplace. And the version of sexuality that the world promotes is warped, and twisted, and ungodly. We have to ask ourselves if that’s the only one we want our children to know, or if we’re willing and committed to offering an alternative.
Second, it’s going to be hard for our children to be pure. Even if we never say a word about sex, it’s going to be hard. Sex is a biological drive, like the drive to eat or sleep. By the time our daughters reach their early teen years, the vast majority of them are fertile, and let’s not ever forget what that means. It means that they have ALL the same hormones that we have. They may be pimply, they may make bad choices sometimes, they may still talk back, forget to do the dishes, or complain about a math lesson, but their bodies are just as eager to reproduce as ours are (possibly more so). If we are silent on sex, or worse yet, act embarrassed, disgusted, or like we can’t imagine its ever being even on their radar screens, we’re not discouraging our daughters from thinking about it, we’re discouraging them from talking to us about it. They need to know that we’re on their side, that we we want them to be modest and pure, not because we never want them to have sex, but because we want them to have the best sex possible: married sex, completely untainted by past experiences, lustful fantasies, or inappropriate emotional attachments.
That’s where my husband and I have come in our thinking so far. Does anyone have other ideas to share, things you’re doing to help your daughters, or ways your parents helped you? I’d love to hear about them, and I’m sure others would, too. If we want our daugters to have wonderful, healthy marriages, this is an issue we can’t afford to ignore.
June 25th, 2009 at 4:47 pm
Hello…
I’ve been a silent reader on here for awhile, but thought this post was so excellent that I had to comment!
I came across your blog a couple months ago, shortly after getting married, and I greatly appreciated your article on the importance of immodesty in a marriage. Having just recently married, I was seeing firsthand how wonderful and delightful my immodesty was to my husband.
However, to get to that place, where I saw that as a good thing, was definitely a work of God.
Though my parents, especially my mom, were very good about emphasising how sex and sexuality are good and glorious things within the context of marriage, the conservative Christian culture that I was around and read so much of portrayed sex and immodesty and anything related to that as taboo things. And as such I subconciously began to view them as bad and somewhat scary things. I shudder to think of going into a marriage with that mindset…it would have caused many problems. However, in the months before my wedding, the Lord did a work in me and showed me the lies I was believing (lies essentially taught to me by the “Christian” culture). And, very happily, by the time my wedding came, I was viewing sex and immodesty and such as the glorious and beautiful gifts that God has given to married couples. He is indeed VERY good.
However, after my experience, I wanted to make sure that my children don’t grow up believing the lies I did. Granted, since our first baby isn’t even going to be here until January, we have awhile to figure out how to handle it, but your post was encouraging along those lines and offered some very good ideas. Thank you…
And thank you so much for addressing something that isn’t often talked about in conservative Christian circles, but is so very important! May God bless you and your family…
June 25th, 2009 at 5:31 pm
Jessica,
Thank you so much for your encouraging words! May the Lord bless you as you get ready for that sweet little baby.
June 25th, 2009 at 6:10 pm
Just a minor side point: I think Christian girls can be raised TOO pointedly to think of sex and their bodies as something they ought to provide for their husbands. The truth is that good sex is a completely mutual thing. Although I know you weren’t saying this, I’d like to suggest that it’s important to teach young women that sex and immodesty isn’t only “because it’s fun for Daddy.”
In good marriages, I think Mommy is probably also pretty keen on it.
Maybe I’m a bizarro woman, but I love my husband’s body. I also love the feeling of confidence and security from knowing my husband loves my body. Nobody every told me to expect either of those things in marriage. The usual conservative Christian line is about how good wives need to be sexually available for their husbands… and while the concept is good, it’s kind of like moving an elephant by trying to put it on roller skates—it would be a whole lot easier to just coax the elephant to walk.
Ok, maybe that doesn’t make sense. What I mean is that I think even “good” girls should be raised with a healthy appreciation and confidence in their own bodies. Girls shouldn’t be encouraged to wear pretty or sexy underwear only when they marry or just because their husbands like it—that’s missing the whole reality that pretty underwear makes you feel pretty. And a wife who feels pretty and sexy is usually a more receptive wife then the one who puts on a costume to make her guy happy. Lingerie isn’t just because men like it, and lingerie isn’t only appropriate in the context of marriage. My unmarried friend has a bra with bright polka dots that she calls her “happy bra” because it just makes her feel cheerful. Even though nobody else sees it.
My husband thinks I’m an amazing wife because I have a tendency to take his clothes off when it’s just us at home watching a movie, but the truth is that I would never do that if I were trying to follow some kind of “good wife” formula. The truth is that I like seeing his skin, and anyway it’s softer than t-shirts and jeans.
I think it’s important to avoid teaching girls that sex and “immodesty” are for guys. It’s robbing them of something pretty cool. And, again, I know you weren’t suggesting that, I’m just expanding on something that’s been an issue in my own upbringing.
June 25th, 2009 at 7:53 pm
Wonderful post! really has me thinking and thanks for sharing your training tips.
June 25th, 2009 at 8:22 pm
Thank you so much for this. Whereas in another generation they strived to protect innocence, it’s been my reflection that the task presented to contemporary parents is to teach discernment regarding all the matters that we cannot save for a time when we feel our children are more ready to understand. Your thoughts here fit so well with what I’ve been trying to do… and trying to prepare to do.
June 25th, 2009 at 8:39 pm
Wonderful post…I am going to take these ideas and implement them with our children. I tend to lean towards the “that’s not modest, don’t look”, rather than reminding them the reason God made these things that are exciting to look at…for marriage! Love it
June 25th, 2009 at 9:18 pm
Kathy,
Great points! Thanks for bringing them out.
June 25th, 2009 at 11:57 pm
Very good thoughts on the subject. It is a fine line when raising boys and girls to ensure they aren’t immodest outside marriage yet aren’t prudish in future marriages. I see it is a matter of building confidence in their own body image with self-respect closely attached.
Nobody ever said being a parent was easy!
June 26th, 2009 at 12:41 am
I stumbled across your site a few days ago. What a blessing it has been to me! I am a new believer and as a young married woman I have been looking for resources to help me grow in my relationship with God. Many of the articles I have read about Christian womanhood take the prude approach. I actually started looking for examples of what a Christian woman should wear to bed. I was afraid that my immodest night clothes were displeasing to God. Thank you so much for reminding me that God made me sexy for a reason and there is a time and a place to flaunt it!
June 26th, 2009 at 3:43 pm
All I can say is, “Wow!”
I’ve been a silent reader for a while as well and figured I would De-lurk today.
Yahweh has certainly blessed you with a talent for expressing topics graciously and eloquently. I am blessed by every post!
In Him,
Kim
June 26th, 2009 at 8:27 pm
O.K. I think I would roll over laughing if I heard you telling your sweet five year old daughter, “this is my immodest thing that I wear for daddy” Although, it is true. I think because we have mainly boys and one quiet daughter, they would all DIE if I were so blunt about the subject. Although, we’ve never indicated that sex was dirty or icky–just there. Kids are smart. Actually.. a lot smarter than us. I’m sure they know where the “fun” is for mom and dad. LOL.
June 26th, 2009 at 10:23 pm
I love reading your posts. My oldest is a girl and then I have 3 (soon to be 4) boys. To me, modesty starts with purity and not just physical, but purity of heart and mind. Whether male or female. I want to raise my children to be pure of heart, and train them about dress and thoughts and what their little eyes should look upon. I do not want to be the one putting sexual things in their minds. Sometimes I think parents do a great job sheltering their kids from outside influences and then overeducate in their own homes thinking if they talk to their kids about the right place for immodesty then they will make the right choices later on and not be scarred in their own relationships.
We need to be careful that we are not the ones placing the impure thoughts in their minds or hearts. It is a fine line, I know. My daughter is ten and we have already discussed the process her body has already begun because of God preparing her to be a mommy. At this age I do not discuss with her that her breast or hips are going to be pleasing to her husband, but rather at her level, I discuss that God is preparing her to be a mother. It is not the right time for her to know about the relationship between a husband and wife. That answer will change as she ages, but my teaching her about how God wants modesty doesn’t have to mean she will struggle with intimacy in her own marrige.
I was overeducated through my parents, public school, my church, and not to mention my society, but I still was uncomfortable with being naked in front of my husband, I think it is natural and God works things out. We are expecting our 5th child so I think we have worked out some “kinks” and I hope that part of our relationship only grows. I don’t think you are making a black and white statement by saying modesty leads to relationship struggles, but my thought is if it is supposed to be between them and their spouse, why would we include our children in our own intimate relationship with our spouse by discussing with them what their mom and dad do. I am also taking things one step at a time, being careful not to be the one taking away their purity, but also not handicapping them in their own future marriage.
One of the neatest things to me is that I was able to figure things out with my husband and if we are raising our sons and our daughters to be pure, then I can only hope that on their wedding night, it is not any outside voice in their heads, but only them and their spouse, figuring it out together as God intends.
Just a thought.
June 27th, 2009 at 1:01 am
Well, I have so many daughters I felt I could weigh in here. We have certainly not made it “all the way to the end” yet, but the older ones are 19 and just about to turn 17, so we’re getting close. We were fairly open about the whole thing with them. To begin with, my husband and I are affectionate with one another in the childrens’ company. Of course at first that would bring a lot of Ewww’s from younger children (the teenagers still do it occasionally) but we always had a positive attitude about it. We’ve always talked to them about purity and modesty, and that intimacy should be limited to the marriage bed, but we never hid the fact that it could be enjoyable. Once the girls got a little older my husband and I would tease them if they started complaining about our PDA’s as they called our kissing or hugging (of course my husband had to tell me that it stood for public display of affection – I didn’t get out much then). We turned the acronym around on them and told them that they should be thankful for a different kind of PDA. When they asked what we told them they would not be here were it not for a Private Display of Affection. After a couple of eww’s they began being a little more careful about throwing around that acronym. Apparently they are not really grossed out by all of it because when one of the girls was folding laundry the other day she ran across a little item of mine and told me that she would leave that for me to fold. The (almost)17yr said, “Oh, don’t worry about it. She(meaning me) probably didn’t wear it very long.” I have to admit the 12yr old still said “GROSSSSS!!!”, but the teenagers laughed.
June 27th, 2009 at 9:54 am
Thank you for these thoughts Mrs. P. As a high school teacher, and now a mom of a baby girl, I can see the need for teaching Christian girls “marriage immodesty.” I agree whole-heartedly with your post.
June 30th, 2009 at 4:06 pm
Thanks so much for some down to earth, common sense information. I have been reading quite a bit about modesty, and have been making changes in my wardrobe and that of my four year old. It is quite a process to lose the ways of the world and SEE what is wrong vs right, in dress, thought process, worship etc…
This article in particular was awesome as it is not so far off the mark for me (finally something that i don’t have to change my whole thought process on!!) YEAH!!!
July 2nd, 2009 at 1:53 am
Just a terminological note — immodesty isn’t really the word for the display and sharing of the body that’s appropriate in marriage, just as we don’t call spouses’ properly ordered desire for one another \lust.\
One definition of immodesty found at http://www.answers.com/modesty is \lack of vanity or self-importance.\ Obviously, we’re not trying to please our husbands out of vanity or self-importance. In his Modern Catholic Dictionary which is searchable online at http://www.therealpresence.org/dictionary/mdict.htm, the late Fr. John Hardon gave a good Christian definition of modesty \in dress and bodily adornments\ as a virtue that \inclines a person to avoid not only whatever is offensive to others but whatever is not necessary [and] directs a person to observe proper decorum in bodily movements, according to the dictum of St. Augustine, ‘In all your movements let nothing be evident that would offend the eyes of another.’\
So modesty, along with chastity, simply calls for different behavior with one’s spouse than with others. It’s marital modesty, not appropriate immodesty.
July 4th, 2009 at 8:32 am
My mother saw your blog and referred me here. Thank you so much for posting this topic. We have a dd who is adopted and came to us very oversexed because of her birth home experiences. She saw way to much up close and personal.
Anyhoo, it has taken several years to bring her around to modesty but I don’t want her to be a prude either. Thank you for helping me think about the natural and godly side of sex.
Blessings,
Dawn
August 12th, 2009 at 3:18 pm
You bring up some superb points! How wonderful that you’re thinking of ways to portray sex from God’s viewpoint. If more parents did this, our society would be better for it. I think this is one of the sweetest gifts you can give your daughters. It will bless their future marriages immeasurably. You show lots of insight.
As for explaining scanty items coming out of the dryer, I’m with Sara Weaver in thinking some items are just best not seen by the children. Obviously, there are some things that are best left within the privacy of the marriage relationship. That said, the writer’s goal to instill a godly view of sex in her daughter’s minds is beautiful.
September 24th, 2009 at 12:29 pm
I just read this post and I cried so hard. I’ve been reading your blog a bit here and there and, up until this moment, I have felt so alone with regards to this subject. I came from a broken home, and my father wouldn’t talk about sex at all, and my mother had several boyfriends over the course of my pre-teen and teen years, which exposed me to so much I shouldn’t have been.
Thank you for articulating a topic that the church has been so reluctant to discuss (or is too free to discuss) with such honesty.
Thanks.
Annonymous