Sometimes keeping up our end of the bargain isn’t enough to ensure that others will keep up theirs. Rarely is this more true than in the daily cesspool of illicit immodesty and lust. Women are supposed to be modest in public. Men are supposed to not lust. But some (OK, most) women don’t care about modesty. And some (if not most) men think of lust as their primary form of entertainment. How does a man hold up his end of the bargain in a world of beautiful bodies just begging to come home with him in his dreams? And how does a woman hold up her end of the bargain if the male mind seems totally hardwired to lust even after women who are trying to be modest?
Recently, someone left this comment:
I am a new Christian and the idea of modesty is very confusing to me. It would seem to me that men should be able to have some control over their thoughts. I agree that a bikini is more likely to cause a man to have impure thoughts, but an impure person can have those thoughts about a nun in her habit. So, how am I to know what would not excite a man, particularly a stranger? If there are no real guidelines in the Bible, how do we know?
How DO we know? How can we be sure that our clothes leave no room for impure thoughts? How can we be absolutely positive that no one is going to lust after us, at all, ever?
We can’t.
About a year ago, I had a man obviously, disgustingly undressing me with his eyes, and guess what I was wearing? A long-sleeved, ankle-length, fairly loose fitting dress and a headcovering, with a baby strapped to my front. Men are out there who will ogle you no matter how hard you try to help them not to. Basically, if you aren’t repulsive, someone runs the risk of feeling attracted. Men don’t always hold up their end of the bargain. But that doesn’t mean that we don’t have to try to hold up ours. Thankfully, modesty is not defined by what a few random weirdos might be able to get their motors running about.
Consider the following examples: “a modest home,” “a modest income,” “Mary was modest about her achievements.”
The measure of the modesty of the home or the income is not whether or not some isolated person manages to be covetous, but whether on average, these are showy or impressive things. And the measure of Mary’s modesty about her achievements is not whether or not Sue is jealous of them, but whether or not Mary is making a big deal out of them, being sure that no one could fail to know what she had done. So apply those same principles to how we cover our beautiful, sexy, bodies, handmade by a brilliant sculptor (God). Are we dressing in a showy or impressive way? Are we making a big deal out of our curves, being sure that no one could fail to notice how enticing we are? It has to do with us. The measure of our obedience is whether or not we are flaunting our assets, NOT whether some pervert with a religious fetish manages to lust after us. We are never called on to prevent all lust. That’s not possible. Although, it is possible to help the guys who actually want help. And being modest in dress and behavior is the best help we can give our brothers, just like being cheerful ourselves helps others not to be grumpy. But if someone is determined to sin, we can’t always stop them. An angry, sour store clerk may not smile at us despite our smiling our sweetest smile at her. A nun in a habit can still be an object of of lust despite her modest clothing. The sins of others are exactly that: the sins of others. We are only called on to be modest. Modesty simply means not showing off.
What that means is going to be different for every woman because every woman has different assets. What’s especially beautiful on one, may not be that striking on another. That’s why legalistic “guidelines” are not always terribly helpful. What’s modest for one woman may be showing off for someone else. I’ve got a friend whose cleavage starts practically at her collar bone. A neckline that would be modest on most women would be showing off for her. Do you have killer legs? Maybe you should consider keeping skirts a little longer and looser. Are you full figured? You might want to think about little jackets or sweaters over your top for an extra layer. In general, ask yourself with every outfit what your motives are for wearing it, and what about you it will draw attention to. Are people going to be inclined to look at your face, or something else?
July 7th, 2009 at 12:22 am
How would you know that some guy was mentally undressing you? Do these kind of guys do this to everyone? I have never noticed anyone doing that to me. I think I would hit them over the head if I did notice, though. Is this normal? Maybe you are just prettier than most. People tell me that I remind them of their mother (even guys) so I’m not sure that they are searching for the goods when they say that. How can I be 40 and so naive?? Either way, thanks for the advice.
July 7th, 2009 at 4:08 am
Excellent post about modesty. Yes we cannot prevent all lust but we can help the 95% of reasonable, normal men out there!
July 7th, 2009 at 6:50 pm
Excellent! Thank you for sharing your teaching gift to help us all better grapple with the decisions we must make every day simply picking out clothes to wear.
July 8th, 2009 at 12:20 am
Mrs. P
Thanks so much for answering my question! It does make sense, the way you explained it. But, it it wrong to be pretty? Is there away to look nice without being immodest? Stylish even? I favor tea length dresses with little jackets. I think they are cute and modest and I feel nice in them. I wonder, is that bad? Should I be even more reserved?
It sounds like the object is to cover up our best parts and while I certainly don’t want other men looking at my naked body, I am a woman. I can’t help that. I don’t want to not look like one or be forced to wear Muslim style complete cover ups.
Sorry to pester you. I’m sure you don’t have all the answers, but you’ve clearly really put some thought in this and it doesn’t feel like legalism–all women do x. Thanks for you time.
July 8th, 2009 at 8:50 pm
Organizing Mommy,
You can’t always tell when you’re being mentally undressed (in fact, I’d wager that you usually can’t), but this guy was over the top. He insisted on standing 10 inches away at all times, even when I moved. He kept staring at me, keeping up inane small talk, that kind of thing.
And yes, there are a lot of guys who mentally undress everyone, or nearly everyone, even some Christian guys. I personally know some who are recovering from lust as a lifestyle, and some who are still confused about it and are thinking it probably isn’t wrong. Understanding their stories is one of the reasons I’m so passionate about helping men who are struggling.
July 8th, 2009 at 10:35 pm
Great answer to the comment. Eliminating specific types of attire for the sake of modesty can be easy (i.e. no cleavage or micro mini-skirts) – as far as when we choose attire that can be defined as modest, it is important to look at our attitudes/behaviour, too. Sometimes, regardless of what we are wearing, our behaviour with men can be immodest.
The final self-examination has to be of our heart. You can be covered as well as a nun and still act like a harlot. You can package it up in pretty paper, but it can still be trash inside.
July 8th, 2009 at 10:59 pm
Quincy,
Thanks so much for your follow up comment. You ask great questions!
I absolutely do not believe that it’s wrong to be pretty. It is feminine to be pretty, and God clearly wants women to look feminine (otherwise, He wouldn’t have written Deuteronomy 22:5). We don’t want to get overly concerned with our physical appearance, of course (that would be showy, not modest), but looking clean, sweet, and pretty seems to me to be an excellent goal.
I honestly can’t tell you whether or not your clothes are modest because I don’t know how you look in them. For that you’ll need wise, godly counsel from someone who can actually evaluate you physically (preferably someone who’s been married for a while, so she has some experience with how men think). Questions to ask are, “Do I look pretty and sweet, or do I look hot?” Where does this outfit draw your eye: my face, or someplace else?” “Do these clothes overly accentuate anything sexual?” You can ask yourself those same questions when you’re getting dressed.
I hope this helps a little. Modesty is so difficult because it isn’t cut and dried. Every woman’s body is different, and every garment is just a bit different in cut and fabric, so all but the most general rules are just about useless.
Modesty starts out as a condition of the heart. It is lived out every day in constant evaluation and re-evaluation of both our dress and behavior as we seek to help keep people’s focus on the Lord, and not on us.
A couple of other posts that I’ve written on this topic that you might enjoy are:
Cooking Chicken for Your 600 Pound Uncle, or “Do You Wear Skirts All the Time?”
The Spanish Dancer and the Duck
July 9th, 2009 at 2:46 pm
Hello. I just read your post from At the Well and then jumped over to your site. (I did not see any other means to contact you besides this.) You have great writing skills and I love your topics being so significant. I would so love to talk with you about some issues I am experiencing that are frankly a little too painful and embarrassing to discuss here. If you are willing, would you please e-mail me and let me know another means to contact you. I could really use a listening and understanding ear, as well as some great Christian advice. Thank you.
July 10th, 2009 at 9:15 pm
I was browsing the internet and came across the modesty survey http://www.therebelution.com/modestysurvey/ Forgive me but I do not know how to add links to comments. Its a 148 question survey created by Christian girls. Over 1,600
Christian guys 12 and older responded. Its very interesting to see what they guys have to say about modesty. If you could please forward this to “Quincy” this may help answer some of her questions.
July 10th, 2009 at 9:17 pm
Hey it makes it a link all by itself! Now I don’t feel so technically challenged!