Use hospitality one to another without grudging. –1 Peter 4:9
I’m an introvert…and a perfectionist…and my house has an open door policy. We host a church meeting/fellowship meal once a week, and have guests over usually at least once a week also, and frequently that is entirely spur of the moment. Sometimes we’ll have company multiple nights in a row. My husband and I feel really burdened to love people through meeting their needs, and that so often means giving them a meal and spending time with them. Did I mention I’m an introvert and a perfectionist? Oh, and I have four small children. It’s been a stretching experience.
Here’s what I’m learning.
Treat every day like company’s coming.
In the old days, you know, before we had multiple children, I would spend the entire day getting ready for company that was coming in the evening. I cleaned the bathroom, vacuumed, dusted, and cooked. We moved our piles of stuff and unsorted mail out of the living room and hid it away in the back bedrooms. Then when every one arrived, they were welcomed into a clean, uncluttered environment, with lots of yummy food, made from scratch.
I can’t do that anymore.
For one thing, it’s been years since I was able to devote a whole day to any one thing. And if having people over meant that level of schedule clearing, we would hardly ever get to do it, because I have to keep the laundry going, library books returned, and shopping done. And as much as my kids might like it, we really can’t cancel homeshooling every time we want to have company over for dinner.
The freedom to invite people over spur of the moment, and even the freedom to have people come during the week when I’m also trying to homeschool and keep up with everything else, depends on never letting the house fall into total and utter disarray. I can’t save all my cleaning up for the day that guests are coming. I can’t let piles of stuff accumulate in the living room. We need to keep our home basically in “company” shape all the time, so that with only a quick clean up, we’re ready to enjoy our guests. I try to keep chipping away at things on a regular basis, getting a little cleaning done every day (usually in the morning, when the baby’s the happiest) and continually tidying up toys, and mail, and school supplies, so nothing ever looks too shocking. (Notice that I said, “try.” It doesn’t always work out quite like I plan.)
Friendly trumps fancy.
I love to cook (especially dessert). And if I’m going to have company over, I want to pull out all the stops and make a huge amount of fabulous, gourmet food. I used to have the freedom to do this quite a bit, but now that I’m investing so much in my own family, “company” meals have gotten simpler. This grates on my perfectionist nerves no end. It’s especially hard when we realize it would be such fun to be able to share a meal with the neighbors, who’ve been kindly helping with yard work, or with a friend from church that we ran into at the store, and then I’m face to face with not having spent the whole day cooking. There’s always a part of me that wants to scream, “NO, we can’t have them over. I have nothing impressive to serve!”
But friendly trumps fancy. Of course, it’s lovely if I can put on a feast, but if I have to choose between a simple meal that we get to share with guests and not having guests over at all, then simple wins. Besides, I know that when the tables are turned, and I’m the guest, I much prefer feeling loved and included rather than kept at arm’s length and only invited in when things are lavish.
Put family first.
It doesn’t do any good to try to take care of other people if my own family is suffering, and I never want my children to feel like they’re in my way or like I love other people more than I love them. If I’m trying to get ready for company and one of my children needs something, then it’s time to stop a minute and take care of my child, even if it means that I have one fewer dishes on the table that evening, or that dinner is slightly late. This is another place that my perfectionism gets stretched. But I would so much rather be a perfectionist about loving my children than a perfectionist about how my table looks.
Pride is NOT invited.
Being the perfectionist that I am, there is always the temptation to think that the reason we have people over is to show them what a beautiful home I keep, and what a fantastic cook I am, and, of course, what angelic, well-behaved children I raise. Surprisingly, this is not actually a good reason to have people over. Welcoming people into our home just so they can be awed by me is not really hospitality. Hospitality is sharing what we have and focusing on others so they can feel loved and valued. Therefore, it follows that if I’m blessed with company on a less than impressive day, then I just need to chill and share.
Sometimes this is really hard, especially when I’ve failed to take to heart one of the first three lessons, like when new people visit our church, and I think, “Wow, it surely would be nice to have them over and get to know them a bit, BUT aaargh, I didn’t do the breakfast dishes because we were late, and the table isn’t wiped! They’re going to see crumbs!!! And the toddler’s wet clothes from the last potty accident are still hanging in the bathroom. And I didn’t make the children put away their toys in the living room before we left for church. And, and, and, they’re going to think I’m a slob.”
Or maybe they’ll think just I’m a real human being who wants to reach out to them. And maybe that’s the biggest thing I’m learning about hospitality. It works as a lifestyle when we can be who we really are and just reach out.
October 8th, 2009 at 1:18 pm
Well said. I’ve lived this out for so many years that I have no idea how to cook fancy or be perfectionistic anymore. Atleast you have memories of it. LOL. As our kids are getting older, they really ENJOY hospitality, which is one of the goals, isn’t it? I love seeing them get all excited for company. We want it to be a joy on all ends from the giver to the receiver. Besides, what is a better compliment: to say that your home is so beautiful or that your children are a blessing? I’ll take the children comment any day.
October 8th, 2009 at 1:33 pm
Practicing hospitality has been a struggle for me. I was embarrassed at times by our first apartment which showed its signs of age that I could never get to look very clean. When we bought our house I was hesitant about our housewarming party because the carpets were stained, we hadn’t finished painting, and the furniture was a mishmash of new and old pieces. In the past few months though I have realized that I need to stop thinking about what other people might think about my cooking, the paint tape on the walls and the missing hall doors. I need to focus on practicing genuine hospitality which is as you said, is sharing what we have and focusing on others so they can feel loved and valued. I’ll keep these lessons in mind when I host a holiday dinner party with the ladies from my Bible study. Expectations are very high since I am the newest youngest member of the group. I know I can do it with God’s help!
October 8th, 2009 at 2:55 pm
I’ve finally had a chance to comment on your blog. I’ve wanted to write many times, but have never taken the chance. However, after reading this blog, I just had to say hi and way to go! I think I’ve started to learn some of the very things you have pointed out. I especially can relate to a couple. First of all, my hubby has always told me, what food we serve doesn’t matter as long as we are loving and hospitable. Usually, people are not coming for the food. I’ve learned this, to some extent, with difficulty. Also, I struggle with having the house in perfect shape. As you know, our house is not always (maybe never) in perfect shape!
Again, my hubby has reassured me that it doesn’t matter. We still need to have people over. I remember fondly one time a new couple came to our church. My hubby wanted to invite them over and I was very hesitant. This was when I had 3 or four small children, and no big helpers like I do today. We went ahead with it and just picked up pizza. The house was a mess, as most Sunday mornings are. However, the couple later told us that being invited to someone’s house after their first visit to church was one of the reasons they stayed at our church. I think we all really need to learn from your post here and be hospitable, no matter what our reservations are. Also, keeping our house company ready is such a wonderful thought. Thanks for sharing this. Wow-I guess my first post on your blog was quite a big one. I didn’t mean to ramble on. Many blessings to you and thanks for being such a wonderful encouragement to so many of us.
October 8th, 2009 at 6:37 pm
Great advice. I’m also an introvert…and a bit of a perfectionist…and we have had an open door policy since we married! Now, I’m doing with along with a two-year-old and a 4-month-old who are always keeping me learning and growing! I would give exactly the same advice you’ve given herere. Great, applicable stuff.
October 8th, 2009 at 6:40 pm
Oh, and I had to add one more thing: Size doesn’t matter! We live in a 1200 sq ft condo with no yard or garage (I know this is still large to some people), but we have entertained as many as 40 people at a time. We often throw open houses, if we are inviting large numbers so that guests can cycle through the house. We serve dinner and dessert buffet style and people come and go and take food as they want it, eating it on sturdy paper plates while sitting on the couch, the fireplace hearth, the piano bench, or even the floor! We’re not rich, but we’ll welcome you, feed you, and celebrate your friendship! Since even our wealthier friends who are not used to sitting on the floor continue to come back, I assume that we’re doing okay.
October 9th, 2009 at 6:51 pm
A saying I recently heard (sorry – can’t recall where) that I think brings these points home efficiently: “treat your guests like family and your family like guests”
October 9th, 2009 at 7:22 pm
You mean my house is supposed to be clean for people to come over? HA! If I can keep my loving husband from leaving his dirty clothes in the bathroom I feel like I’ve won the game!
As far as being an introvert – that’s why we all like the computer so much, right? My husband often calls me a hermit because I probably would hole up inside for days if I could.
So, having said all that…total agreement on your thoughts. God reminds me to step outside of my comfort zone for hospitality no matter how many times I explain to Him it isn’t a good time. Thanks for letting me know I’m not alone!
October 9th, 2009 at 9:39 pm
this is such a comfort for me. I love having people over and also struggle with having my apartment perfectly clean, a “company” meal and generally everything perfect. My problem is im in a small one bedroom apartment and no matter how clean it is, with one room serving 3 purposes things always seem too look cluttered. Somehow though people always come back and I have found a little creative furniture rearainging I can get about 15 in my apartment and its just cozy. we’re brothers and sisters in Christ, we like each other, its ok if its cozy
October 10th, 2009 at 12:46 am
Well said :0)
I’ve always said that my mom is the queen of hospitality. It’s all about making people feel welcome, rather than trying to impress them.
I think a lot of women are intimidated by the thought of showing hospitality because they confuse it with “entertaining”… the fancy dinner, decorated house, etc.
Sure, it’s nice to do something fancy once in awhile, but sometimes (or maybe MOST of the time) that’s too much pressure.
My mom also joked (kind of…) that if the house is a mess, turn the lights down and light some candles. Nobody will see the mess, and it’s instant “atmosphere” :0)
Julie
October 11th, 2009 at 5:32 pm
Thank you for this! An ecouragement I needed.
October 29th, 2009 at 9:55 am
As a pastor’s wife I struggle with this also. I’m getting better about not having to have things perfect, but I need to be able to extend myself just a little more. Thanks for the encouraging post!
November 8th, 2009 at 3:03 pm
Hi, Mrs. P, I’ve been catching up on my reading today and I wanted to tell you that I really enjoyed this post! I have the same perfectionist tendencies as you, but because we don’t have company over as often, whenever someone plans to visit, it’s really a crisis! Everything has to be “perfect” and it’s soooooo stressful (for me and everyone else!) Recently, I’ve been spending time with a new friend who is from Germany and we’ve been having a great time together. One of the things that I’ve noticed about her is how laid back she is about company. Whether her house is a mess or there are dishes in the sink, or she has nothing but frozen pizza to serve, people are always welcome to stop by for a visit. I think that her lack of preparation actually makes me feel much MORE comfortable in her home. Her house is a place to kick off your shoes and sit down for a good visit over microwaved brownies, where my kids can make a mess over the dinner table and no one really cares (“oh, just leave that, lets go visit and clean it up later!”) I have really appreciated her response to things that would normally bother me (for instance, she invited my whole family over the other day for dinner with her family and ruined a loaf of bread she was hoping to make for us. This would have been an absolute nightmare in my world. She just popped in some frozen dinner rolls and never thought twice about it) and it’s really teaching me a lot about hospitality. Hospitality doesn’t have to strive to make everything perfect, just strive to make everyone comfortable.
Thanks for the additional reminder!
January 22nd, 2010 at 12:40 am
I really like your blog. This article on hospitality is terrific. I read your post on headcoverings and really enjoyed that too.
Antoinette