A lot of men don’t seem to understand why women get so upset about pornography. They know it’s a sin, but they sort of see it like any other sin and can’t comprehend why their wives should feel so devastated. So, for the sakes of our future daughters-in-law, here’s something we can all teach our sons:
If you want your wife to be beautiful for you, then you understand how she feels about your eyes being just for her.
Why on earth would that be? It goes like this.
Men desire the sight of women’s bodies. They actually derive emotional comfort and meaning out of looking at a hot, sexy woman.
And, in just the same way, women desire to be desired. They actually derive emotional comfort and meaning out of being cherished as their husband’s one and only source of passion.
When a man disregards one of his wife’s most fundamental longings and places his desire in any woman besides his wife, his wife feels exactly the same way a man would feel if his wife were to disregard his fundamental longing for enjoyment of her body and become frumpy and frigid, rebuffing him every time he asks for sex, and going around all day in an old stained bathrobe, with unkempt hair, picking her nose, and passing gas.
The disgust is the same.
The disappointment is the same.
The feelings of being cheated, unloved, and unvalidated are the same.
Men don’t understand how much porn hurts women because they think about porn in relation to masculine needs not feminine needs. They imagine how they would feel if their wives were into it, and it doesn’t sound all that bad. But that’s because it doesn’t threaten men. Porn has no effect on how beautiful their wives are, and therefore men’s deepest desires are not put in jeopardy. A porn problem seems no worse than an anger problem or a problem with lying. And since it demonstrates an interest in sex, it can almost seem like a sign of something positive.
But for a woman, it is a betrayal of the one thing she wants most in an intimate relationship.
Our sons need to understand this. Before they get involved.
October 13th, 2009 at 3:30 pm
First, I’m so sad I can’t view the video in your last post. My computer has no sound. =( I’ll have to bookmark it to watch in a few months when hopefully I’ll get a new computer. (yea!)
This is a great post and I can say that it’s certainly true since I grew up in a home with a father heavily involved in things of this sort. (Praise God he is a forgiven and changed man now though!)
I do disagree with one point though. You said, “Porn has no effect on how beautiful their wives are, and therefore men’s deepest desires are not put in jeopardy.” I think it does affect how a man views his wife. How in the world can women come close to comparing to the pornography images they see? I’ve had four kids and I know I can’t! =)
Your main point still holds true though. This mom of two sons thanks you!
October 13th, 2009 at 3:44 pm
Mrs. Parunak,
I am so thankful for a husband that cherishes and desires me. I love being his one and only and I think every woman desires to feel that way.
You couldn’t have described how I feel about porn (and immodesty) any more clearly. It’s like you peeked inside my head.
Thank you for this excellent post. Blessing…
October 13th, 2009 at 4:03 pm
Amen!!!! Every men should read this post and let God teach them trough His word and your wisdom!
October 13th, 2009 at 4:51 pm
Thanks for the insights! At times, I’ve also struggled to understand how devastating porn is to wives (I certainly believe it’s wrong, but the extent of damage is difficult to grasp unless you’ve either experienced it or done your homework), but your explanation makes a lot of sense to me. As if women weren’t already plagued with enough self-image issues…
October 13th, 2009 at 4:55 pm
Lori,
Thank you so much for your encouraging comment. You are absolutely right that when men are involved in porn, it very often makes them feel like their wives are no longer good enough.
What I was trying to say was that a man caught in the porn trap can find it easy to imagine that if his wife were involved in looking at porn, she would still the same to him, and since that’s what he most cares about, he wouldn’t feel like he’d lost anything. Men then reason that porn’s no big deal (which, of course, is completely wrong).
October 13th, 2009 at 10:41 pm
True. Sometimes I wonder: is there a reason why a Christian man can not be delivered from this? It seems so devistating, so harmful. I am hurting for all the women out there who have experienced this type of rejection from their husbands. It really is a form of abandonment. At least that is what it seems you are describing. It’s sort of a sexual abandonment. Thank you for these insights. And may God give many people victory over this.
October 14th, 2009 at 8:44 am
Interesting!
Porn has never been an issue in our marriage. But I must say, I am both “frumpy and frigid” — and much of the time, I am too darned tired to have sex (though I am happy to report that my old bathrobe, hair are nose are all well-maintained, and that I do try to keep my gas to myself in an effort to avoid making the houseplants wilt and scaring the children). Honestly, I expect my husband to LOVE my frumpy frigidity, the way I love his unshaven grumpiness. Part of what I love about being married is NOT making an effort, and being naturally comfortable around each other — including rejecting advances when they aren’t wanted, and understanding when sometimes he does the same.
Every marriage is different. I personally find porn distasteful, but for different reasons than those you describe above.
October 14th, 2009 at 11:19 am
Very interesting post. I am a married woman who has no problem with porn. I’ve always known that many women, both Christian and non-Christian, are extremely upset by pornography in general and even more upset if their husbands view porn, but I’ve never really understood why. Now I think I understand much better where at least some of these women are coming from and how they are feeling. Thanks!
October 14th, 2009 at 11:27 am
L.,
You made me laugh! I think all wives would agree that there are days when we all fit the ‘frumpy and frigid’ description – hopefully very few days! It is part of marriage to love each other during these days, true. However, I enjoy looking my best for my husband most of the time – I wouldn’t present myself as less for him than I would for company.
October 16th, 2009 at 1:00 am
L,
You guys all make me laugh. The house plants wilting? I love it. I’ve never had porn enter our marriage either. It seems all too common in some people’s lives. Perhaps, it’s because we are older? Maybe the younger couples are struggling with this more.
October 16th, 2009 at 8:38 am
O.M.
Yes, younger people are struggling with this more. In fact, I can count on one hand the number of guys under 30 I know who don’t have trouble with this. And that includes guys from “nice” Christian homeschool families. It is seriously time for Christian parents to wake up to the magnitude of this problem.
October 16th, 2009 at 3:02 pm
Wonderfully put. I think this is a valuable post for both men and women because it helps us articulate the divisive nature of porn. Our culture is absolutely drowning in influences that are putting wedges between couples and the intimacy (relational and sexual) that they ought to be enjoying in marriage – but so often we are like fish who don’t realize we’re wet – we just know we’re drifting apart from our spouses. You’ve really put your finger on this single huge wedge.
October 18th, 2009 at 12:12 am
My husband and I started dating when I was 19 and he was 20 — when both of us were far more interested in sex in general than we are about a quarter century later. My husband is not a Christian (he’s Japanese), and therefore he had no background that taught him to believe that porn was sinful in any way. I’m not religious myself, and yet I’ve always found porn distasteful — I find it embarrassing to look at, and certainly inapprorpriate for children. My husband has always respected my views, and has never brought it into our home — we’ve always lived in tiny Japanese “rabbit hutch” apartments with no privacy, and always used shared family computers.
So I cannot speak at all of others’ moral struggle with porn, since our family does not share all of the values expressed here, and therefore we have never experienced the same kind of struggle. All I can say is that even some of us from non-religious backgrounds are making an effort to keep porn out of our homes, for entirely different reasons than those Mrs. Parunak describes above.
October 18th, 2009 at 12:49 pm
My husband struggled with pornography addiction…so I know first hand how devastated it can make a wife feel. Also….porn is just a stepping stone to the real thing. Adultery. What a man thinks in his heart he usually acts out eventually. Men need to consider what the “desires of their hearts/minds” are. Pornography seems harmless in that it is just an image, but it is really a hook that sinks into the mind and pulls a man through a door way.
October 19th, 2009 at 8:07 am
Yes, yes and yes. I hope you don’t mind if I translate this into Hebrew and spread the message further!
October 19th, 2009 at 8:51 am
Mrs. Anna T.,
I would be honored to have you translate this! If you do, can you send me the url? I can read a little Hebrew.
October 20th, 2009 at 10:23 pm
Mrs. P, the fact that you can count on one hand the number of guys under 30 you know who don’t have trouble with this, in even conservative homeschool families, really grieves me! This is so sad. I’m curious how in the world you know these stats?! “Have trouble” meaning bouncing their eyes from the bikinis on magazines at the grocery store, or “have trouble” meaning actual pornography they are currently viewing?
October 21st, 2009 at 8:45 am
Alyssa,
I’m not talking about needing to “bounce.” ALL men need to bounce, and NO man’s flesh is going to encourage him to. I was talking about gaining decisive victory over actual pornography.
October 30th, 2009 at 11:06 am
You might like this video about this subject:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WcpotyZ_oSM
I believe men don’t understand that for women the fact that her husband would seek out the pleasurable sight of another woman’s body is like her seeking out another man’s attention. She wants his mind and heart, not just his company, and if he gives his mind away to virtual, pixelated women, this can be so devastating.
Editor’s Note: I have checked this video, and it is perfectly clean and makes good points.
November 16th, 2009 at 2:23 pm
I just wanted to chime in here, I have read this article 2x now and even as I sit here, I have tears running down my face.
For those that don’t understand the effects of this topic in your marriage….it has the ability to make you lose your self-confidence, it erodes away your self-image, it makes you no longer trust the soul mate that God gave you. It gives you nightmares that last for years even after there is victory over the issue. It destroys the intimacy with your partner, it makes you second guess yourself and makes you afraid to make overtures towards your hubby…it makes you wonder what he is thinking when he is with you….it is a vicious, psychological battle in your mind….and can ultimately ruin the most Christian of marriages.
It is a very hard journey to be on, even for the strongest of women with the most determined Faith in the Lord….
Every other aspect of your life can be completly normal and in working order except this area…it is just very hard to deal with and from my perspective thus far, it has not gone away.
Thank you for sharing this article. I cannot even share the article with my husband as I am afraid it would get him thinking about the subject again, but I hope I can take little bits and pieces and hope I can let him see how this topic makes an impact on myself and others and how we need to be vigilant with our boys.
God Bless,
South Carolina
November 18th, 2009 at 11:07 am
Mrs. D.,
Thank you so much for sharing your experiences here. I’m praying for you.
January 31st, 2010 at 4:15 am
Porn is VERY DESTRUCTIVE because it takes away a mans sexual energy and pretty soon, he wont be able to make love with his wife(cant get a normal erection)Ive heard that if your husband isnt wanted to make love to you, it could be a sign that hes into it
January 31st, 2010 at 4:16 am
Porn could be VERY DESTRUCTIVE to a marriage:( ive heard if he doesnt want to make love as much as he used to, its a good sign hes into it