It seems to me that a lot of conservative Christian women these days are suffering from a lack of vision. For many of us, things have begun to improve, but there’s been a lot of poison in our perspectives, a feeling that if we couldn’t do what the men were doing then maybe God had nothing for us to do, that maybe we’d been forgotten, left behind, like the pink tools on the workbench were second best, and the blue ones were getting all the use. In contemplating how this could have come about, I thought of the following story.
***
Once upon a time, Mrs. Jones gave her two children, Bobby and Suzy, chores to do. Bobby was told to take out the trash, and Suzy was assigned dishwasher duty. Then Mrs. Jones left for an all-day homeschool conference, and Bobby and Suzy got to work.
After emptying the bathroom wastebaskets, Bobby walked through the kitchen on his way to the trash bins in the garage, “Mommy thinks I’m smarter. That’s why she gave me the best job.” Suzy didn’t say anything.
As Bobby took the first big black trash bag down the driveway, Suzy saw Mr. Peterson wave as he pulled out of his driveway. The kitchen door banged as Bobby walked back through, announcing, “Mr. Peterson thinks I’m such a hard worker. He knows that I really love Mommy because I do such important jobs for her.” Suzy shoved the silverware drawer shut and stared at the mountain of dirty dishes.
Bobby pulled the trash bag out of the kitchen garbage can and headed back towards the garage. “You have to really be responsible to take out the trash,” he called over his shoulder, “and strong.”
“I’m responsible,” said Suzy to the dish soap. “I’m strong. And I love Mommy. I could take the trash out. Probably better than Bobby. Then Mr. Peterson would think I was a hard worker, too.” She dropped the plates recklessly into the dishwasher and threw the dirty forks into the silverware tray. “This is a ridiculous job. No one should have to do dishes. We’ll use paper plates for the rest of the day, and then I’ll take the trash out.”
Bobby didn’t really mind using paper plates. At first it seemed a bit strange, but he quickly forgot about it. If Suzy didn’t want to get the regular stuff out, it probably didn’t matter. He did notice, however, when Suzy started lifting the kitchen trash bag out to take it to the garage.
“Hey, you can’t do my job! You’re supposed to be in charge of getting the dishes done! Mommy assigned the trash to me!”
Suzy looked at the one lonely pan they had used to reheat their leftovers. “Are you saying that all I’m good for is washing one little pan while you take out bag after bag of garbage?”
***
OK, now let me ask you a few questions.
1. Based on the job assignments, which child do you think Mrs. Jones liked better?
2. Based on the job assignments, which child do you think Mrs. Jones felt was smarter, harder working, and more responsible?
3. Based on the job assignments, which child do you think had the best opportunity to show love to Mrs. Jones?
Remember your answers, we’ll come back to them.
This little story reflects something that I think has happened in the Church. God handed out some assignments, too, and many men and women have responded very much like Bobby and Suzy did.
God told men to be leaders in the Church and gave them shepherding and preaching roles. He gave women a lot to do as well. In 1 Timothy, in a discussion of the kind of widows the Church should care for, we get a picture of the life a godly woman should live.
…having been the wife of one man, Well reported of for good works; if she have brought up children, if she have lodged strangers, if she have washed the saints’ feet, if she have relieved the afflicted, if she have diligently followed every good work. –1 Timothy 5:9-10
We can find another assignment for women in Titus 2:3-5, where they’re commanded to teach younger women
…to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children, To be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed.
But then, somewhere along the line, (with no input from God on the subject) we decided that men had the best jobs, and the idea developed that maybe God thought men were smarter (you know, because it takes so much more brain power to preach than it does to make complete strangers feel welcome in your home). And then we started thinking that people with the visible jobs were the hard workers, the ones with strong faith, who really loved God. And women, who knew in their hearts that they also had strong faith and loved God, decided that they wanted to be the leaders, too. Probably they could do a better job than the men, and then everyone would see how hard working they were.
Those jobs God gave to women started to look pretty ridiculous. No one should have to bring up children and relieve the afflicted.
And then we got out the paper plates. Birth control can save us from needing to bring up more than one or two children. The strangers can just check in to the local Holiday Inn. As for the saints, they can wash their own stinky feet (the bathroom’s the first door on the left). If you’re feeling afflicted, I’m sure there’s a nice ministry somewhere that addresses your need, or maybe a government program. Have you looked online? Diligently following every good work sounds so nebulous. Who knows what that means? We still like to teach younger women (and older ones, and men!), but God’s curriculum doesn’t seem so relevant these days. After all, no one needs to be taught how to do dishes when we have paper plates.
There were a few dissenters, who missed eating off china, but for the most part, the paper plates went unnoticed by most men in the Church, even the conservative ones…until it came time to take out the trash. Then the conservative, Bible-believing men woke up, and said, “Hey, you can’t preach! God assigned that to us. The Bible says you’re supposed to be silent in church and not usurp authority (1 Corinthians 14:34, 1 Timothy 2:12).”
And then the women looked around at a lonely world where no one seemed to need them, and said, “Are you saying all I’m good for is popping out a couple of kids and keeping my square foot of pew warm?”
OK, now back to those questions I asked a little while ago. Could you tell from the job assignments which child Mrs. Jones liked best, or how smart, hard-working, or responsible Mrs. Jones thought each of her kids was? Did one or the other of them have a better chance of showing love to their mother?
No, of course not. They were just jobs. Each child had an equal chance to work hard and show love to Mrs. Jones simply by being obedient in the specific jobs she had given them. The trouble started, not because Mrs. Jones thought one of her children was more capable than the other, or even because one job was intrinsically better than the other, but because her children arbitrarily decided that one job was better and that the job’s superiority somehow meant something.
And so it is in the Church. There is nothing intrinsically better in teaching an adult Sunday school class than there is in relieving the afflicted. It’s just that some people arbitrarily decided that there was. And the consequences are far worse than extra trash in the landfill. Those jobs that God gave women are actually really important, and the Church genuinely suffers when they don’t get done.
The pride, the jealousy, the misrepresentation of God’s purposes, AND the fact that half of the assignments He gave the Church have been turned in for paper plates mean that we’re falling far short of fulfilling God’s design for His people. We’ve all gotten so used to this stunted, imbalanced type of church, where everyone vies for one group of jobs and neglects the other, that when people get their Bibles out and read that women aren’t supposed to be preaching and leading, it doesn’t even occur to a lot of them that there is so much we are supposed to be doing that if we tackled half of it, we’d be so exhausted it would be laughable to think we’d even have time to preach. Instead the message is often simply, “Sit down and be quiet,” or in other words, “Paper plates are totally fine, just hands off the trash.” Hence the lack of vision.
The solution is for all of us to be humble, to love and appreciate our brothers and sisters and all the jobs that God has given us, and to open up that dusty cupboard, get out some real dishes, and see how exciting it can be when we’re all showing love to God through obedience.
October 28th, 2009 at 1:43 pm
Amen!
October 28th, 2009 at 4:32 pm
Excellent.
October 28th, 2009 at 5:34 pm
Oh boy, you are preaching now sister! And I’m on board. We need to reclaim that vision for the women! And we need to be in the Word to do it all well, don’t you think? This afternoon I spent talking to a gal in the locker room after my pilates class. After a while, she asked me: ARE you a counselor? And I thought “no, I’m a mommy”.. and at that moment God was using me to be a counselor. And it was over, and then I went grocery shopping and listened to music lessons, had a nice chat with my daughter while driving home, and now I’m about to make dinner. And even though my husband preaches, he can not talk to women in the ladies locker room like I can. And it’s not because he’s not smart!
I had to chuckle over the preaching is so much harder than entertaining guests… comment! LOL.
A woman at peace is one who really recognizes and appreciates all that God is calling her to do in this life!
October 29th, 2009 at 6:50 am
Hmmm, I can relate to so many of your posts, and even when I disagree I can usually find a few kernels of agreement, but this is one that went WHOOSH! Right past me. My daughter will soon turn 13, and I am setting an example for her that she need not be a “keeper” at home if she is so disinclined, and certainly she need never be obedient to her husband. In this I am very much going against the grain of the dominant culture here (we live in Japan), which still has very traditional expectations based on gender.
I think one interesting thing I found out from this post — if I’m not mistaken — is that some women in traditional Christian culture feel second-class, because they are not called to lead and preach. Is that understanding correct? They resent that God is calling them to less important jobs?
If so, that mystifies me, because it has always seemed to me those women who choose to walk this particular path (or are born into Christian culture, and choose to remain) do so because they LIKE the very clear defintion of gender roles, and see it as part of God’s plan. Most of the Christian women I know see it as a big PLUS (and wonder how I could possibly be happy living differently). I’m imagining these women you address are mostly in the minority?
October 29th, 2009 at 8:27 am
This is so good. Please can I link back to it from my blog? I’m new to blogging and don’t have many following me right now but this is too good to pass up. You have said so well what I have thought and seen.
Thank you!
October 29th, 2009 at 11:01 am
Sherry,
You are quite welcome to link to my post. I’d be honored!
October 29th, 2009 at 12:45 pm
I think this is a very clever parable and makes a lot of good points in an entertaining fashion.
L: I interpreted the part about more and less important jobs as a statement on what human society seems to have decided. In the US at least, our society values work that earns an income and completely disregards the real, necessary, difficult work of being a homemaker. You might hear that someone is “just a housewife” as if that is hardly work at all. And then because we do not value the work of being a homemaker, no one wants to do it, so we end up “using paper plates”. I see this as symbolizing multiple things, but most importantly that no one seems to want to raise their own kids. Many kids, maybe even the majority, get shipped off to daycare, which I think is detrimental to our children and our society.
The one area where I disagree is that the equally important jobs must always be divided along gender lines as an unbreakable rule. What if both Bobby and Suzy really love their mother and try hard to be obedient and hard-working, but Bobby is totally grossed out by the garbage and just can’t make himself wipe out the cans when a bag leaks? And what if Suzy thinks garbage is cool and interesting, but she is a little clumsy and no matter how hard she tries she always seems to drop a slippery wet dish and break it? Wouldn’t their loving mother, knowing her children well, assign Suzy to take out the garbage and Bobby to do the dishes? And when Mr. Peterson asks Suzy why a girl is taking out the garbage Suzy can be quiet and polite knowing she is being obedient and doing exactly what she is supposed to be doing. However, it would be a serious problem if Mr. Peterson tried to stop Suzy from doing her job assuming that her mother would never have assigned her that job because she is a girl.
I think society works better when responsibilities are divided and I think we need to change the way we view and value different roles. In that I am in total agreement with Mrs. P. I also think most women probably are both more inclined and better suited to take the homemaker role. Most, but not all. I have a problem with taking gender tendencies and making hard and fast rules about them. I think these rules are strictly human creations. In my family my husband takes care of our home and our daughter and I am a computer programmer for a corporation. We agreed that one of us would stay home because we didn’t want our daughter in daycare, and given our personalities and skills it makes sense for my husband to be the one who stays home. The work he does is essential to the functioning of our family and I value it tremendously. And yes he is both masculine and “in charge”. If our house has a “leader” it is him, not me.
October 29th, 2009 at 1:43 pm
L.,
As always, thanks for your great perspective! You are completely right that many Christian women, myself included “LIKE the very clear definition of gender roles, and see it as part of God’s plan.” The problem comes for women who, in our post-feminist culture, can see that the Bible says they AREN’T supposed to do certain things (like lead and preach) that our culture values, but they either can’t see or don’t value what the Bible says they ARE supposed to do. That can be depressing.
I went through this about ten years ago, and have seen some women facing the same issues today. I wrote this post because I wanted to help women see the complete picture. There IS work for women to do. It’s different from what men are called to do, but it’s very, very important, and it impoverishes the Church when it doesn’t get done. A lot of people get so caught up in what women aren’t supposed to do (take over men’s jobs) that they neglect this important message.
October 29th, 2009 at 1:45 pm
Adele,
I really commend you on not sending your daughter to daycare and having your husband be the leader of your family. Both of those are very rare in this day and age.
I did want to point out, however, that the gender rules are not actually strictly human creations. Consider the following verses:
It was Adam’s curse to have to sweat to get his bread, not Eve’s. Also, women are specifically told to be keepers at home in these verses:
October 29th, 2009 at 8:01 pm
“I really commend you on not sending your daughter to daycare and having your husband be the leader of your family. Both of those are very rare in this day and age.” HAHAHAHA! You should move to Japan — sounds as if you’d love it here!
Whenever I fill out an immigration form, there’s a space for “Head of Household,” and I’m suposed to write my Japanese husband’s name there. I always cross it out and write “spouse” — one of these days, I am going to get myself deported.
I can understand why women would choose to live in a patriarchal society if they truly believe that it’s part of a divine plan that is the only way to eternal salvation. But I will never understand why non-Christian Japanese women accept strict gender roles.
I also agree that modern society, both here and in the West, doesn’t sufficiently value domestic contributions. My husband would have loved to have taken time off and stayed home with our babies, but he felt as if this would have placed his status at his full-time job at risk — I think that was really sad. I am really glad that more young men at my company’s U.S. headquarters are now taking paternity leaves.
October 30th, 2009 at 3:10 am
Dear Mrs P, there are christian women who believe that Paul in his letters gave good advice for the context of the day. Also some christians believe we are all equal once saved by Christ,even though we have to live in a sinful world.In the gospels Jesus seemed to treat women and men equally. I don’t have a problem with women in leadership but I think with all families children are our main resonsibilities, they are the future church, they need our priority.From Linda
October 30th, 2009 at 4:09 pm
Some excellent stuff here! I really agree with people needing to capture a sense of vision for what God wants them to be doing with their lives, whether male or female, married or unmarried. I agree that we often get caught up in what OTHER people are doing/thinking, instead of focusing on who we ought to be and what we ought to be doing. Something to work on for every Christian, I’m sure!!
One thing I would like to comment on is the implicit suggestion here that it’s the wife’s job to “raise the children” while the husband brings home the bacon. I’m pretty sure you believe that parenthood is a shared thing, but I think sometimes Christian women fall into the mindset that men are somewhere between officers of the peace and sperm donors. But, as I’m sure you’d agree, the fathering role is irreplaceable! Let’s never fall into the thinking (or teaching our daughters) that raising children is only a WOMANLY occupation.
It’s my belief that a happy, peaceful home life requires identifying and splitting responsibilities, yet always putting the FAMILY above your official list of duties. If needs arise, my husband cheerfully washes the dishes. Labeling it a “woman’s job” would be counterproductive. Washing dishes doesn’t make my husband “feminine”—it makes him the committed, loving partner I thank God for every day!
October 30th, 2009 at 5:02 pm
Kathy,
Absolutely! Thanks for bringing that balance in. In fact, that’s very similar to what I was arguing in Why Modern Motherhood is So Much Harder than it Ought to Be.
October 30th, 2009 at 10:54 pm
Great article! I’m finally having time to catch up on all my friends blogs tonight while my dear hubby is literally “bringing home the bacon”, otherwise known as hog hunting! Bless you dear friend
October 31st, 2009 at 2:07 pm
Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU! I finally got it! FINALLY!
Many Blessings
Ace
November 3rd, 2009 at 10:08 am
L said earlier:
\I can understand why women would choose to live in a patriarchal society if they truly believe that it’s part of a divine plan that is the only way to eternal salvation.\
L, I just want to make sure you’re not misunderstanding anything. We have eternal salvation because Jesus died for our sins on the cross. He lived the life we are supposed to live and died the death we are supposed to die. If we just believe that He is the Son of God, then we are saved. We can see His blessings anytime but especially when we adhere to His Word.
If a woman decides not to be subordinate to her husband, she does not lose her salvation. She may not see all of the blessings a marriage can be, like this scripture from Ephesians 5:24-26: \Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word.\
Now submit can be interpreted. I think we women can be controlling and sometimes a little naggy. I think we(definitely myself) need to let that control go. But Husbands are called to truly love and be kind to their wives. If husbands and wives follow this verse, I think they will have a truly blessed marriage.
God Bless!
November 3rd, 2009 at 8:43 pm
A tremedously good way to explain this. Thank you very much for your perspective here.
November 3rd, 2009 at 8:54 pm
Thanks, Carrie — I’m always fascinated by why people believe, and live the way they do, and I have known many people who believe as you do.
But I also knew some Christian women in my mothers’ group who did NOT believe that simply believing in Jesus was enough to be saved. Even adhering to His Word wasn’t always enough to guarantee salvation, under the “many-are-called-but-few-are-chosen” point of view. They said (and I quote from imperfect memory here): “We are NOT saved by our faith, or living by His Word. We are saved only by His Mercy, and many who believe themselves saved will not be.” They believed in a God of wrath more than a God of love — but that’s just my (perhaps warped) interpretation of it.
November 3rd, 2009 at 10:46 pm
L. and Carrie,
I think the following passage fits into your discussion:
Carrie’s point is crucial. Works don’t save us. Only God’s grace saves us. But those whom God has saved WILL do good works. L.’s mom’s friends were right, there are people who think they’re saved and aren’t. People who say they believe, but then go and live however they want to should be worried. So should people who work really hard at following a checklist in order to ensure their salvation.
The million dollar question for salvation is: Does God know me? In other words, am I His new creation, completely changed, becoming more like Christ from the inside out every day?
November 6th, 2009 at 12:51 am
Great analogy – and I really enjoyed the discussion in the comments, too.