I just heard about another rape. It sounded like a typical “date” rape, perhaps, a report of scorn and bravado. It made me feel angry, and sad, and helpless. Another case of the weaker sex being trampled by the stronger. For all the liberation of the past century, the world is still a dangerous place to be a woman. We are consumables.
A quick look at stats can be staggering. Every two minutes, someone in the U.S. is sexually assaulted. One in six women will be sexually assaulted in her lifetime. Only six per cent of rapists will ever spend a day in jail. It’s horrifying.
But we are not truly helpless. Each one of us has the potential to change the tiny segment of society that we are in contact with every day. We are the salt of the earth, each of us is a grain of salt on rotting flesh, slowing the decay, spreading truth, and preserving life in the face of death. So what is the truth that preserves life in this case? What is the antithesis of a rape philosophy?
Some would say that the fundamental issue is equality. We need to encourage more respect of women’s fundamental equal value. If men didn’t see women as lesser beings, then they wouldn’t treat them as consumables. And certainly, respect for equal value is a part of the necessary attitude, but it can’t be the whole story. College campuses are some of the most egalitarian, almost artificially respectful environments, and yet one in four women will be sexually assaulted on a college campus. Respecting a woman as a microbiologist or creative writer seems to have little effect on whether a man feel free to use her body for his own entertainment.
Now someone’s going to argue that those college guys who rape their classmates at frat parties don’t really respect the equality of women. I’d wager that the majority of frat boy rapists are thoroughly in favor of “equality.” Women should be treated just like men in voting, academics, the job market, and in the every person for him or herself world of sexual fulfillment where “I want what I want and I assume you do, too.” And “I want your body, so I’m going to take it. Why should I stop just because you said, no? Why is what you want more important than what I want? We’re equals. Let’s have a tousle for it. If you win, maybe you can run away, but if I win…” Which, by the way, is exactly the way men treat each other. Men “rape” other men all the time. It just isn’t always physical.
The most crucial attitude is not merely one of respecting equality, but of actively cherishing women. A man with an anti-rape philosophy protects women rather than abusing them, or even just leaving them to fend for themselves. It’s not that he thinks of a woman as his equal but that he recognizes the places where she isn’t and takes it as a sacred responsibility to man up and defend her, sacrificially if he has to. The average man is capable of physically overpowering the average woman. If he does not cherish her, if he views his own desires as the highest value in the universe, then all he needs is opportunity, and another statistic goes down on the rape pages.
Cherishing starts when a man understands that women do not exist for his enjoyment, that their beauty is not an advertisement for a free buffet, that he has no right to any woman’s body, and that women deserve to be valued, protected, and defended, not just because they’re smart, or gifted, or in any other way worthy of respect, but because they are a weaker vessel, meant to be honored like fine china is meant for hand washing and careful stacking, not rough chucking over the backseat of the car like a fry box after a hasty meal. Cherishing means a man is guarding his daughters and watching out for his sisters. It means he’s checking up on what men they’re with and what their intentions are. It means he’s giving other men the message that he will not leave women alone in the world. It means taking away opportunities from men who are looking for them. 1 Peter 3:7 is addressed to husbands, but I think it gives a fair assessment of how God views women and the way He wants them to be cared for.
Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered. –1 Peter 3:7
Instilling this attitude in our sons is a tiny positive step we can take towards making sure that our daughters live in a safer world.
January 12th, 2010 at 9:01 pm
Thank you for writing this. The paragraph that ended “Men rape men all the time” really made me think…I did not like reading this article, yet I am glad I did. I don’t know how to put it…anyways, thank you.
January 13th, 2010 at 12:53 am
Thank you very much for posting this. Being a mother of two boys I find it very important to teach them from a very young age that women are precious. We as homemakers are the most influential people in their young lives. We need to be teaching them at home if they are to demonstrate it in the outside world.
January 13th, 2010 at 7:46 am
Actually…as the mother of a daughter and two sons, I have to disagree with this one — though not on Biblical grounds, since I am not religious, which I understand are the crux of your argument.
You say, “Respecting a woman as a microbiologist or creative writer seems to have little effect on whether a man feel free to use her body for his own entertainment.”
You seem to be using “entertainment” here to refer to rape, and it’s VERY different. Rape is a crime of violence, perpetrated against men, women, and yes, children –sex for “entertainment” is entirely something else. And what are saying, that men “rape” each other all the time, using it as a metaphor for aggressive one-up-manship? Without the violent sexual component, “rape” is not rape.
I am teaching my sons NOT to protect and defend their teenage sister, just because she has ovaries instead of a penis — I want her to be able to defend herself. I expect my kids to defend/protect/support each other, regardless of their mostly irrelevant genders. I truly hope my daughter’s husband does see fit to guard and protect her like fine China someday, unless it is in the context of an equal partnership (though of course, she has to decide for herself what she wants).
I teach my sons to hold doors open for men and woman equally because there is no difference, as courtesy and modern chivalry are gender-neutral. I teach them to protect those who are weaker, who are very often not female.
In other words…I am teaching them that women should be treated just like men in voting, academics, the job market, and YES, in “the every person for him or herself world of sexual fulfillment,” with a full understanding of the risks therein, and the possible consequences of bad choices.
And you know, some of own my fondest high school memories involve “rough chucking over the backseat of the car.” Rape was not involved.
January 13th, 2010 at 8:54 am
…just want to add to what I said above, that while I disagree about gender roles, I heartily agree that hearing about a rape makes me, too, feel “angry, and sad, and helpless,” and that when it comes to an “anti-rape philosophy,” loving and cherishing is a fair assessment of how God views HUMANS — not just women — and the way He wants us to care for each other.
January 13th, 2010 at 1:28 pm
This is a challenging and powerful post. I absolutely support equality for women, and I am a feminist (though I know you are not), but I think you are right that equality is not the issue here. When it comes to rape, gender does matter. I agree entirely that we need to instill in our sons attitudes that go beyond respecting women because respect alone is not going to decrease rape.
When I was in college I earned a black belt in Tae Kwon Do. I was confident in my ability to protect myself. One time I went on a date with a guy. At the end of the evening I went back to his apartment. When I was ready to go we had a slight argument because he did not want me to leave yet. Finally he was like, “Fine. Go.” I walked home alone late at night. I was not afraid because I knew I could take care of myself, but I did not feel respected. I felt unvalued. I dated another man while at college. He was also aware of my skill in martial arts, but if I left his place after dark he walked me home. Every single time. It did not matter that I said I was perfectly capable of protecting myself. He felt a responsibility to see me safely home. This did not make me feel disrespected, it made me feel valued and cared for. Guess which man I married?
I think we do need to instill in our sons a philosophy of protecting women.
L: The reason I think leaving women to “fend for themselves” will not work is because this allows the sickening attitude that is horrifyingly prevalent today that rape is not that big a deal, that the woman should have protected herself better or maybe she even wanted it. There is even a small grain of admiration (subconscious or otherwise) for the rapist in some men. Men who believe women should be protected have no admiration for rapists and see them for the scum they are. Men who have been raised to protect women are much less likely to delude themselves into thinking that “no” does not really mean “no” or that it is OK to give a woman a few drinks to lessen her inhibitions.
Women should have equal rights of course, and I am certainly not advocating any “protection” of women that results in women’s freedom being restricted. I think boys need to understand that most women do have different attitudes about sex than most men, and that the risks associated with casual sex (as well as the risk of being raped) are greater for women. I do not have any sons, but if I did I would raise them to believe that decent men protect the women they care about.
I’m sorry this is so long. Very provocative post!
January 13th, 2010 at 6:24 pm
Hmmm, Adele, I don’t understand how leaving women to “fend for themselves” is in any way something that “allows the sickening attitude that is horrifyingly prevalent today that rape is not that big a deal, that the woman should have protected herself better or maybe she even wanted it.” Rape IS a big deal, and NO ONE wants it, or wants it to happen to a loved one. Teaching women to look out for themselves is very diffent from saying they are solely to blame anytime something horrible happens.
Plus, as I said, regardless of gender, people generally should look out for each other. Your husband walking you home — that is sweet. Not only did he care for you, but I’m sure he wanted to be with you. That’s different from saying, “I am walking you home because you can’t defend yourself,” when you clearly could.
I knew teenage girls in high school who were never allowed to go out after dark, even in our low-crime suburb — and yet their brothers were, simply because they were boys. This is exactly the kind of thinking I do NOT want to instill in my children. If it’s safe to go out, it’s safe for all of them, and in a higher-crime area, I would keep my boys home, too.
January 13th, 2010 at 7:30 pm
Agree with your post completely.
January 13th, 2010 at 7:36 pm
Also, in response to L, it’s sounds great in theory to say you want your daughter to protect herself, but the truth is that most men will be bigger and stronger than her.
This reminds me of something that happened to me in high school. There were two boys who thought it was funny to make rude comments to me in the halls. These were big guys, and I’m a little 5′ tall woman. Sure, I could have told a teacher, but that would have just created backlash. Instead, I mentioned it to a male friend (who also happened to be on the wrestling team!). I have no idea what he said to those two boys, but they never said another single word to me or came anywhere near me during my entire four years of high school.
I’m super-glad for good men out there who are willing to protect and cherish me!
January 13th, 2010 at 9:13 pm
Huh. Yeah…rape is bad, and scary, and wrong. But I dunno that I’d equate rape with cut-throat male competitiveness. They both are bad and they both may have some of the same roots (selfishness, inability to care about others…etc.) but rape is pretty scarring on more levels than competitiveness….from what I’ve heard.
I think there’s nothing wrong with men protecting the women they know…but I think its more about protecting them because they’re women and therefore more likely to be targets of sexual crimes and also technically (generally) more vulnerable physically. I wouldn’t be willing to teach my boys that they should protect women because they’re the lesser gender…I’m with L. on this one in a few ways (even if I AM spiritual). I think women are generally less strong than men and therefore need to take precautions/should appreciate protective men in their lives but I also think women should be taught to use their brains when their muscles fail them and to learn to defend themselves, to be assertive and to make smart choices about where they go and what to do when they end up somewhere dodgy. Teaching girls that they are the lesser gender and therefore dependent on good men around them to keep them safe feels imprudent as well as illogical to me.
I know that teaching our sons to respect women as equals is not a cure-all but I think its still a good thing and does more good than harm particularly on this topic.
And I know we can argue about this all day because its theoretical and unanswerable but, I would be willing to wager that frat boy rapists DON’T actually believe in equality of the sexes and respect women. Isn’t that the basis for their behavior? “Ultimately, I don’t believe that you matter…I see you as a consumable item that I can use.” What’s respectful about that?
I also take issue with your theory that concepts of sexual worth and both partner’s needs being of equal value is a problem that somehow contributes to date rape. Rape is selfishness to a bizarre extreme. But that doesn’t seem to match up with the fact that seeing own sexual needs of importance in relationship to your husband’s or vise-versa is a dangerous attitude. Scripture doesn’t say that we should completely debase ourselves for others…”each of you should look NOT ONLY to your own needs but also to the needs of others” this feels like it implies that each person’s needs matter…and not in a everybody-please-devalue-yourself-and-obsess-over-what-your-man-needs-to-be-happy kind of way. In my sexual relationship asserting the things that I needed sexually to feel secure and to be happy as well as listening to my husband’s needs and wishes and then trying to meet both to the best of our ability has been the key to success.
But anyhow…to wind up a very long comment (whew!) I’d answer your question, “What is the antithesis of a rape philosophy?” with…value of your fellow human, guarding of their dignity and saving of their worth…be they male or female, strong or weak, young or old, rich or poor. Jesus said that people would know that we were His followers by our love…and that’s what I always imagine that He meant.
January 13th, 2010 at 9:51 pm
It is true, that most men will be bigger and stronger then my tiny, half-Japanese daughter (who gave up martial arts after getting a purple belt). I, too, and glad for anyone who wants to protect and cherish her in life, just not necessarily because she’s female. I am equally glad if any women black belts want to walk home with and protect my bookish, exceptionally nerdy son!
The fact that most men are typically more physically powerful than most women is a biological fact, the same way it’s a fact that only women’s bodies can bear children — but these facts are not relevant to every situation.
I don’t want any special treatment in life on the basis of my being female. But I do appreciate it when stronger people — males and females alike — help and support me, and cover my many weaknesses. Courtesy, chivalry and respect shouldn’t be limited by gender, in my book. We should cherish our fellow human beings, and protect all those who are weak and require it.
I am also quite SHORT, and appreciate it when taller people — male and female alike — help me reach things on higher shelves. Perhaps this is a good analogy for how I feel about the subject.
January 14th, 2010 at 10:23 am
A clarification: I was not trying to say that males’ aggressiveness towards each other is equivalent to rape in its consequences. It is not. From the perspective of the victim, rape is much, much worse. Short of killing her, there is probably nothing worse you could do to a woman.
What I was trying to say is that rape and male aggressiveness are the same from the perpetrator’s perspective. Rape is taking what you want because you’re bigger and stronger. It is what men do to each other all the time, and when they do it to a woman, they are treating her just the way they would treat another man who had something that they want. That is the equality that I am arguing against.
Carlie,
I was not trying to say that women are lesser in value. That’s why I said, “And certainly, respect for equal value is a part of the necessary attitude, but it can’t be the whole story.” My point was exactly what you said: that women are “more vulnerable physically,” or to use my words, “The average man is capable of physically overpowering the average woman. If he does not cherish her, if he views his own desires as the highest value in the universe, then all he needs is opportunity, and another statistic goes down on the rape pages.”
Also, I totally agree with you that women need to learn to protect themselves, be careful where they go, etc. This just wasn’t a post about that. Like someone we both know and love likes to say, “Why is it always the woman’s fault? She looked provocative. She went to the wrong place. Why isn’t anyone teaching men not to rape?” As mother’s, part of our job in raising sons is teaching them to have an anti-rape philosophy.
I’m not quite sure what to say about “sexual worth.” I didn’t mean to imply anything about it. I’m not even sure what I said that brought the issue up. Men and women have the same sexual worth. 1 Corinthians 7:1-5 is exceedingly reciprocal and equal.
Women’s having and acknowledging sexual needs DOES NOT contribute to date rape. Men seeking the fulfillment of their own sexual needs at all costs (while assuming that everyone else does the same and that this is a reasonable thing to do) does contribute to date rape.
January 14th, 2010 at 1:24 pm
L: I don’t think you and I are actually that far apart in our views. I totally agree that women should be taught to look out for themselves and definitely should not be dependent on the protection of men.
I certainly agree that my (future) husband walking me home was sweet and I hope it was partially because he wanted to be with me!
The thing is, an unavoidable consequence of him walking me home is that then he is at my place and must walk back to his place alone. Unless I then walk him back home because I also want to be with him, which would mean neither of us ever get to our own separate rooms. LOL In the end, one of us had to walk alone at night and it was always him, never me.
It is not fair that highschool girls cannot go out at night when boys can. That is why I put the line about how “protection” should not restrict a woman’s freedom. I probably did not emphasize that enough. I discussed this post and the responses with my husband last night. His initial reaction was that men should NOT be raised to protect women and he cited cases like the Taliban where women are oppressed under the guise of protecting them. I agreed with that, but then reminded him about walking me home in college. He acknowledged that was a protective attitude and that his attitude was gender-based. He said it was a fine line to walk meaning (I think) that it is good for men to be protective of women, but they always need to be aware of the risk of being disrespectful and/or oppressive of women and not let that happen.
For me, it is complicated because I am totally against rules that say the man is always the protector and the leader and the woman must always be protected and submissive, but I personally admire and am attracted to men who are protective and take the leadership role. I count myself unbelievably lucky to have found a man who completely supports equality for women and my freedom to make my own choices and is also a natural leader and very protective.
January 14th, 2010 at 1:37 pm
Very interesting post! Thanks for tackling such an unpretty but important issue. I think it’s such an crucial thing for women to be aware of and vocal about if we have any hope of turning this culture around.
(And, yes, you know I’m going to be that person to say that, in my opinion, rape isn’t anything like what men do to each other, even as perpetrators. Male competition in this country is about who gets the great job or gets to date the cheerleader. A better analogy between rape and male competitiveness for me would be if it were okay in this country for a man to come into another man’s house with a shotgun, carry off his kids, and leave him with a bullet in the shoulder. Pretty sure that would not be seen as “normal male competitiveness.”)
But, I do heartily agree with the notion that people ought to cherish, respect, and look out for the interests of others, especially regarding a crime that’s become such an epidemic. I think where I differ (and where other commenters have differed) is that I don’t see it as being a particularly “gendered” issue. Nobody should need to be motivated by the argument that women are dainty china teacups—shouldn’t we simply be motivated by the fact that rape is a crime and a sin against a person? Shouldn’t our kids all be taught to protect the vulnerable whenever possible, whether the person at risk is male or female?
For a variety of reasons, women are more at risk than men for many types of violent crime (though not all), so I can see why it would be tempting to shortcut our solution to say “men ought to protect women because they’re weak.” The problem (as I see it) is that even if this is true much of the time, it leads to unhealthy generalizing, so that a boy who is weak (whether through his size, a disability, age, etc) is now viewed as “less manly,” a “wuss.” When this happens, our attempts to cherish and protect women can actually backfire, so that instead of simply protecting women, we’re also creating a culture where boys are questioning their “manliness” because they were born small or less aggressive, and “femininity” becomes synonymous with “weak.”
I dislike both of those thoughts! For my feeling, we ought to be committed to ending the rape culture we’ve created, just as we ought to be committed to ending genocide, torture, and inhumane treatment all over the world, simply for the reason that it is WRONG, and we believe God created life to be cherished.
I’m guessing that, at heart, we feel pretty similarly about this in the broad scheme of things, but just wanted to toss it out there. Thanks again for bringing this up on your blog!
January 14th, 2010 at 10:00 pm
“I count myself unbelievably lucky to have found a man who completely supports equality for women and my freedom to make my own choices and is also a natural leader and very protective.”
This is the kind of man I want my daughter to marry, and my sons to be. Or my sons to marry, if they turn out to be gay!
January 24th, 2010 at 5:08 pm
Dear Mrs P, you are right in saying rape is a power play IMO.We don’t have a rape culture, rape has always been around , I think women in general protected themselves more in the past and so did their families. Also a lot wasn’t reported because the girl would no longer be a virgin etc and it would affect her standing in society.Girls in the wrong places at the wrong time do open themselves up to sin’s consequences we live in a fallen world.My daughter learns Tae Kwon do and she won’t be short- no chance of that but she still will have to be sensible all her life when it comes to safe situations, of course we can’t protect ourselves from everything, God is in control.We are a weaker vessel too , we have different hormones, we cry more, we are weaker physically but inside we can be tough , a vessel is the outside not the inside, we must use our sound minds to protect ourseves and not blame everything on today’s society.From Linda