I got angry again. The children noticed. “Mommy, why are you always talking so loud? Are you frustrated?”
YES. I was frustrated. Certain childish behaviors were getting worse and worse and worse until I was feeling like throwing a tantrum of my own. The dawdling. The forgetting. The bickering. Little needles of irritation pricking me again, and again, and again.
And then I realized it. I was supporting all those bad behaviors, feeding them, letting them grow the deep roots of entrenched habit, and doing it all in the name of virtue. I was failing in my job as mother and destroying the tenor of my home, and I was doing it by being “patient.”
In my renewed effort at being longsuffering, I had instead become tolerant, clenching my teeth a little tighter as I smiled and reminded my way past every offense, and my children figured out that they could get away with just a little bit more, a little more sin, a little more unhappiness, a little more selfishness in our home. All because I’d tried to crack down on my own grumpiness and become more “patient” with the children.
There was a time when I imagined myself an expert on immediate discipline, on sweetly asking once, and then meting out consequences if my request was not swiftly and cheerfully obeyed. I was firm. I was steadfast…. And then I had kids. And somehow the waters got muddied by my own desire not to be harsh and unbending, to be patient. But this created cycles. And at the bottom swing of each round, I was very harsh and unbending, and also ungodly. It’s really easy for me to be a firm disciplinarian when I’m motivated by frustration, when I’ve had it up to here, and “you all had better fall in line, or else.” But then I feel that guilty nudge of conviction, resolve to be more patient, and often wind up suffering until I get frustrated again.
But patience is not “putting up with.” It doesn’t mean that we overlook it when our children run wild, push our buttons, and are inconsiderate of each other. A patient mother is a faithful mother, dutifully, calmly, joyfully correcting, and disciplining, and stopping immature and inconsiderate behaviors again and again, tirelessly nipping them in the bud. It means that while I’m correcting, I’m not losing my temper, not that I just don’t correct.
January 30th, 2010 at 1:22 pm
Thank you.
January 30th, 2010 at 1:22 pm
So true, this. Thanks for the reminder.
January 30th, 2010 at 2:16 pm
Oh, yeah, I get it. I’ve never had an overwhelming desire to be patient with my children. They were dealt this deck of cards (their mother) and what you see is what you get. I do sometimes feel guilty about being harsh in words/ actions. If I can sense that coming on, I ask my husband to take over the parenting until I can “calm myself”.
I’ve heard young parents say something like, “We’re teaching them grace..” when they do not discipline them when they need it. And I’m thinking.. How can they appreciate grace when they do not understand the law? (what’s expected and when)??
I think if we refrain from anger that is a good start for a firm, loving parenting “mode”. But too much “patience” is just going to cause confusion/ a change of standard/ etc.
my 2 cents..
January 30th, 2010 at 3:08 pm
such a struggle, I’ve 4 young children and I get to the point where I figure they should understand simple things like, don’t run in the house, or refrain from snatching toys from each other because, I remind them over and over with elegant lectures and logical talking points they can understand or maybe just short, gentle reminders of the rule, and then I just lose it, “how many times have I told you…..” I feel like I am forever apologizing to them for speaking harshly or over-reacting. But I also use it to show my children my humility and let them hear me pray to God for forgiveness and help. I’ve decide to let my own shortcomings be a model of sin and forgiveness. I also try to really ask myself, “Is this behavior really sin? Or is it just immaturity or irresponsibility? Another thing that I do is when a particular behavior is driving me nuts and all my attempts to change it are ineffective, I step back and really meditate on what’s going on. For example, my 3 yo is currently obsessed with “lovies.” She has 2 must-have toys and a blanket that she wants to take everywhere, hold all the time and sleep with. I was getting fed up with it and didn’t want to accommodate this dependency on things, we were also tired of her losing them and having meltdowns when she loses one or when we say she must not take them somewhere. I was at a loss, then as I meditated and prayed for wisdom, I realized she is exhibiting a nurturing instinct towards that baby-doll, kitty cat. So I quit trying to squash the behavior and started directing it and giving reasonable limits and she has really responded. I’m currently struggling to figure out what I should do about my oldest’s sneakiness. It seems the harder I come down, the sneakier he gets. I know it’s a heart issue, but I can’t seem to address it effectively.
January 30th, 2010 at 4:41 pm
I agree so much with the OM above. You can’t have grace without justice, or justice without grace—otherwise grace becomes permissiveness and justice just turns into harsh attitudes. Great thoughts!
My sister-in-law Cindy (who’s raising twin daughters) is an amazingly consistent mom. I love watching her parent. Totally loving and yet detached enough to not get caught up in the girls’ games or tantrums. “I’m not their best friend,” she explained to me. “I’m their mother. I’m here to help them grow up.”
Right now I mostly just take notes on all the parenting out there and pray I don’t have abnormally crazy children when the time comes.
January 30th, 2010 at 8:16 pm
Mrs Parunak:
Great post, and I can so relate!
I started blogging about Christ-focused raising of preschoolers last year and recently have discovered your blog. I so often feel I’ve found an e-comrade in you when I read your posts. God lately convicted me of the ratio of requests to commands I was giving my kids… Barely any requests. And I realized I had gone from not enough direct insturction(ie, all requests) to too many… and now need to go back. It’s balancing, alancing all the time.
Thanks for what you do here, and for encouraging others.
As a postscript – I appreciate that you blog under (and evidently go by) Mrs. Parunak. I recently blogged on the ‘adult nomenclature’ issue (see http://heartpondering.wordpress.com/2009/12/28/talking-to-grown-ups-nomenclature-and-respect/) and love your use of Mrs Last Name!
Blessings,
Susan
January 30th, 2010 at 9:28 pm
This is so good. I am 100% on the same page with you…I love “A patient mother is a faithful mother” – in fact I am going to put that on my bathroom mirror. It is difficult though when parents don’t agree here. My husband has said many times “you are bothering the kids…give em a chance.”
What are your thoughts on how to handle that?
January 30th, 2010 at 9:40 pm
This is so true and SO timely for me that I read this tonight! I have just been beating myself up for the same thing for the past hour (after losing my cool with my 3 year old this evening after trying to “be patient”) and feeling bad and an awful parent. I know I am not doing things right and I must seem inconsistent to my kids but even if I try to be more consistent with WHEN I discipline, I just can’t figure out what KIND of discipline to use. My 3 year old hasn’t responded to time outs and spanking only worked for about 3 weeks and then he didn’t care any more. Taking away favorite toys is my usually my other option but most of the time he’s disobedient when it’s bath time or we are at the grocery store or some time when he doesn’t have a toy to take away. I just don’t know what to do.
January 30th, 2010 at 9:45 pm
Susan,
Thank you so much for your kind and encouraging words!
January 30th, 2010 at 9:51 pm
Love this. My hubby and I are ready to start are family as soon as the Lord is ready for us to, but in the meantime I’m trying to strengthen my “resolve” to be just what you described you’d hoped to be… and then you had kids.
Thanks for the down-to-earth reminder. This post reminds me a lot of the thoughts of Debi Pearl and her daughters… do you know of them?
Also, would you mind emailing me when you get the chance? I haven’t been able to find your email address anywhere. Thanks!
January 30th, 2010 at 10:03 pm
Mrs. Santos,
Ouch. There are few things that hurt more to disagree about than how to handle our precious children. But this means that you have an extra big chance to glorify the Lord in your obedience to Him as you honor your husband. Here are a couple ideas.
1. If your husband tells you to give the children a chance in front of the children, obey him immediately. He is your God-given authority, just like the two of you together are your children’s authority. Take this as an opportunity to model to your kids the kind of obedience you want to see in them, and that means that you obey joyfully from your heart. I know that is REALLY hard, and I’m not saying it lightly. Remember that we don’t have any direct commands regarding any particular level of strictness, but we do have the direct command of wives submitting to their husbands.
2. When you are alone, talk to your husband and try to find out exactly what his wishes are in regard to child training. Tell him your ideas in an open and cheerful way. You are his adviser. You don’t have to be mousy, just respectful. If you disagree, explain why. Ask questions. Get a united plan. Not only does this honor your husband, but it keeps the children from being able to play you off each other. You can always say, “Daddy has said that he wants us to do things this way.”
January 30th, 2010 at 11:13 pm
Angela,
Big hugs! I think nearly every mother knows how you feel. Don’t beat yourself up too much. Commit this all to the Lord and pour your energy into seeking out answers rather than tearing yourself down.
I think the Bible is pretty clear on what form of discipline works best for children. Here are a couple of verses to consider.
You said that spankings stopped working. I think there are two main possibilities why that might be.
1. They’re not actually unpleasant. Obviously, we DO NOT want to injure our children. However, if we swing too far the other way and let our spankings turn into pats, it’s easy for our children to ignore them. The best way to gauge what is appropriate here is to administer the rod to yourself as you would to your child.
2. Discipline is being given in an inconsistent manner. (And this is where I need to preach to myself as well!) If children figure out that you will only discipline them some of the time, then it becomes a game to see if they can get away with stuff.
My absolute favorite child training article, one that I’ve read and reread several times when I’m struggling with consistency is here. It’s written by L. Elizabeth Kruger, mother of 10 and author of Raising Godly Tomatoes, which you can read for free on line. It is another excellent resource.
January 31st, 2010 at 12:28 am
Stephanie,
Yes, I’m familiar with the Pearls. I have enjoyed a couple of their books. I don’t always agree with ALL of their theology, but I very much appreciate their practical tips and think they have a lot of good things to say.
I just sent you an e-mail.
January 31st, 2010 at 10:07 am
A great post. So true to life experience.
January 31st, 2010 at 1:01 pm
This is very encouraging. Thank you! Blessings…
January 31st, 2010 at 4:11 pm
Mrs. Parunak,
God bless you and thank you so much for your reply and the link to the article. It’s very helpful. I appreciate you very much.
Angela
January 31st, 2010 at 7:47 pm
I just linked to this post on my blog in today’s “The Balancing Act of Mothering”… Thanks again for your insights. And also for your comment on my nomenclature post, which I greatly enjoyed.
I dipped into your homekeeping section and enjoyed the posts I read there a great deal. I recently have written a good bit on homeward diligence [the latest post being here: http://heartpondering.wordpress.com/2010/01/18/adopting-homeward-diligence-before-and-after/ because I discovered, three kids in, that I was greatly lacking in this department to the detriment of our whole household (and in disobedience to God). The vision that you embraced and began adopting before your first child was born is one that I’m beginning to cultivate and truly work toward now… And I appreciate your insights in the SAHM vs. working mom categories that so influence issues of homeward diligence. These have lately hit me with great force as well.
Thanks again for your words here.
~Susan
February 1st, 2010 at 1:18 pm
Not trying to open a can of worms here, but what is your family’s rule on spankings? Are they done with hands or other objects (like spoons or paddles)? Is there a certain age where they are or are not used?
February 1st, 2010 at 2:06 pm
Thank you for answering my question – especially point number one. Blessings to you.
February 1st, 2010 at 3:23 pm
Thank you for this excellent and insightful reminder. I’m struggling with consistent discipline in small matters with my children (just turned 4, 2 1/2, and 13 months), and I find it especially challenging when I’m caught in the middle of nursing the littlest or helping the middle child in the bathroom etc. I also find that my son (the middle child) is very different than my daughters in terms of what discipline works and what sort of trouble he gets in to, so I’m having to re-evaluate rules and trying to be more consistent with him.
Thank you again for your post.
February 1st, 2010 at 11:53 pm
Hi great post!! I think the best thing to remember is that each child is different, and also will react differently in each situation and punishment. My daughter is turning 3 and as the oldest we always expect her to listen and obey and adhere to what we set her to. After losing our cool, we realised that she is only three.
She is very caring and really wants to help, but she is also one who forever has bruises and scars all over her becasue she is so active and outdoorsey. She will never sit quietly in church until she is an adult and understands.
My son who is 1 and a half listens to us, when we say no he stops and looks and wants to obey. However if he sees his sister doing it they just encourage eachother and it becomes a stalemate in what to do as neither will listen or stop.
I have learnt the best is to let them be kids, be firm in teaching but not too strict as it discourages further learning. My children are always so excited when they can go to church, that is their favorite place and honestly if they misbehave I promise them that they wont go to church and so far that is the only thing that really grabs my daughter’s attention.
My son as he is just after one has already learnt that when we sit down to eat we pray, so he wraps his little fists together and says “pay” and then goes for his food. What a blessed joy this is for a christian parent when their children already love their Lord. I honestly believe the best way to teach children is to stop treating them as an adult and let them be children. After all as christians we are to be as children not the opposite.
I spank them when the time calls, I set them in the corner, I take away their favorite things. When I feel bad for doing it, I dont let them see that I am hurting. When children see a parent repent from spanking they remember and will use this as a guilt trip. Children need and crave order and discipline, they are forever trying to battle it out for dominance, but as a parent you need to stay strong.
sorry just a tad long..
February 2nd, 2010 at 2:01 am
Oh, how this resonates with me. I can’t tell you how many times, over the years, I’ve let things build up to the point where I feel like I can’t stand for things to go on like this. And they shouldn’t! It might be because I’m being the wrong kind of patient, or – for ME, anyway – I’ve just been too lazy, and not disciplining consistently. I have to pull myself together, in order to get the boys back on track.
So very, very thankful that His faithfulness is great, and His compassion is new every morning. I need those fresh starts.
Julie
February 2nd, 2010 at 2:06 pm
Holly,
My husband and I do not like to make rules for things that Scripture doesn’t clearly have rules for. The main danger of this is that we can think that we are righteous for obeying rules, when in reality we are grievously sinning. And few areas are more dangerous in this regard than the area of child training because so very much is at stake. We are molding another person’s fundamental psychological framework. The gravity of that can never be overestimated.
If I were to say anything about guidelines on my blog, it would be this. The Bible in several places recommends corporal punishment, including Proverbs 13:24, Proverbs 22:15, Proverbs 23:13,14, and Proverbs 29:15. But the important thing to keep in mind in any discussion of spanking is that while the Bible recommends corporal punishment, it roundly condemns anger.
For a lot of parents, the only time they administer any kind of discipline is when they are mad. This opens the door to all kinds of abuse. As soon as we get angry, it doesn’t matter what sin our child has committed, we ARE CURRENTLY in the process of sinning against that child, and we need to deal with our sin first. The only time it is ever appropriate to reprimand, correct, train, discipline, or anything else is when we are self-controlled and acting out of love. Otherwise, we are nothing more than bullies, and the end result will be worthless.
The end result of godly discipline is that it “yieldeth the peaceable fruit of righteousness unto them which are exercised there by” (Hebrews 12:11).
Another important distinction to keep in mind is that between natural human discipline and godly discipline is the motivation. In our flesh, the natural tendency is to discipline just to save ourselves grief or make our lives easier. The discipline that God gives us is for our benefit, and as His followers, our discipline should be
for our children’s benefit as well.
February 3rd, 2010 at 11:19 am
Yes, yes and yes! I find myself in this cycle constantly. While I need to work through it to become more godly, it IS encouraging to know that others struggle too. And then, to be encouraged to push forward still.
February 3rd, 2010 at 1:45 pm
Thank you! I wish I’d read this yesterday.
Jennifer