Kim over at The Executive Housewife has written a lovely post on how she is encouraging young women in their relationships with their fathers. I think her excellent message applies equally well to any family relationship we might be struggling with. Check it out. You’ll be refreshed.

Honor thy father and mother; which is the first commandment with promise; That it may be well with thee, and thou mayest live long on the earth.

Ephesians 6:2-3

Recently, a reader sent me this comment: “I am 20 years old and want to be a homemaker when I marry. I was brought up by a VERY feminist mother and I often worry that I don’t know enough about keeping a house to be successful at it (as I was never taught by my mother)…. By the way…do you have any advice for making peace with a feminist mother who has a very different concept of what a women’s role is from what I do?” This is a wonderful question, which reflects a broader question, one that is on the minds and hearts of many adult children, namely, “How do we make peace with our parents when our lives take a very different path in some area from the one they have chosen?” This different path could be anything: rejecting feminist dogma, or allowing God to plan your family, or homeschooling, or embracing family integrated church; pick any issue. If you have left your parents’ path behind to walk your own, they will miss you, be troubled over your departure, and perhaps try to convince you to return to their ways. How do we, as adult children maintain a godly relationship with our parents while still remaining true to the convictions we have before the Lord?

The first thing I would recommend is to be compassionate, to see the situation from our parents’ point of view. Here they are, passionate about some lifestyle or idea. Then along comes this tiny baby that they love, and care for, and attempt to mold, all the while believing that they will be the ones to shape that child’s view of the world, feeling that held within their little one are all their own values, hopes, and dreams, like an arrow shot into the future, to one day have an effect on a world the parents will never see. Really, for all our striving and working for our ideals now, what good are they if we fail to pass them on, if our own children reject them? Now, in the case of Darwinism, Marxism, militant feminism, and many other recent bad ideas, I expect many grown children will say, “Wow, they’re not much good at all, and isn’t it a blessing my folks didn’t manage to pass on their misguided beliefs!” Yes, it absolutely is a blessing, but let’s just consider for a moment the sorrow our parents must feel when the views they cherish are scorned by their children.

Whenever we as grown children choose a radically different direction from our parents, (for instance, choosing to be a homemaker when your mother was a career woman) it is, in essence, condemning them for their choices. If you say, “I really believe it will be better for my family to have me at home,” then your mother could very well also hear, “It would have been so much better for me if you had stayed home with me, too.” And, while that is most likely true, at this point, it can’t be fixed. Your mother will either have to face the shame and guilt of having her own child tell her that she was a bad mother, or she will have to decide you’re out of your mind and grieve over you, her child, the foolish, confused, religious fanatic. This second choice is usually accompanied by impassioned attempts to rescue said child from her wrong-headed opinions by showing her the error of her ways at every available turn. This is a major relationship killer. Hence, the great need to “make peace.”

Along with compassion for how your parents must be feeling over the disagreement, it is very important to have a humble attitude. Obviously, you will not be able to compromise on your convictions, but when it comes to interacting about those convictions, show your parents honor by doing it gently. Remember that your viewpoint is not “obvious,” at least not to your parents. And there’s even a chance that you could be wrong. The fact is that your parents have much more life experience than you do, and it’s important to acknowledge that in your conversations with them. Imagine how you would feel if a two-year-old told you that you had been wrong about your life’s direction. If you’re going to be the “two-year-old,” meekness and humility are absolutely crucial. And if your parents respond to your differences by trying to tell you what’s wrong with your life, really listen to what they have to say. You don’t have to adopt any of it, not one word, but you should be willing to consider it and to be like the Bereans who “searched the Scriptures daily whether these things were so” (Acts 17:11). Remember:

Proverbs 15:5 A fool despiseth his father’s instruction: but he that regardeth reproof is prudent.

Proverbs 15:1-2 A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger. The tongue of the wise useth knowledge aright: but the mouth of fools poureth out foolishness.

Proverbs 13:10 Only by pride cometh contention: but with the well advised is wisdom.

James 4:6 But he giveth more grace. Wherefore he saith, God resisteth the proud, but giveth grace unto the humble.

Next, don’t argue. You can never win. Even if you come out “on top” of a particular discussion, if you’ve hurt or humiliated your parents in the process you won’t really have changed their hearts. When it comes to lifestyle questions, it may be that the best argument is simply the fruit of many years of patiently following your convictions, all the while showing love, honor, and respect to your parents, and reassuring them that no amount of disagreement will change their fundamental position as your parents.

Proverbs 25:15 By long forbearing is a prince persuaded, and a soft tongue breaketh the bone.

2Ti 2:24-26 And the servant of the Lord must not strive; but be gentle unto all men, apt to teach, patient, In meekness instructing those that oppose themselves; if God peradventure will give them repentance to the acknowledging of the truth; And that they may recover themselves out of the snare of the devil, who are taken captive by him at his will.

And finally, find something to appreciate. Maybe your parents didn’t teach you how to be a homemaker, but maybe they did teach you how to laugh at your mistakes or how to have strength in your convictions. Thank them for that, honor them for what they did give you, let them know how much you value all that they did that was positive and a blessing. Just the fact that your parents brought you into the world is something to be thankful for, especially in this day and age when so many babies are not given that chance. I think, often, when we reject our parents ideas, they can feel personally rejected and like we don’t appreciate all the sacrifices they made for us. Reassure your parents that this is not the case.

It’s possible, of course, that you may have compassion and humility, refuse to argue, and lavish your parents with love and honor, and still not convince them that you are right, but you will have done right, and that is all the Lord asks of us. The rest is up to Him.

Proverbs 16:7 When a man’s ways please the LORD, he maketh even his enemies to be at peace with him.

If the Lord can make even your enemies to be at peace with you, then He can certainly make peace between you and your parents.