Sometimes keeping up our end of the bargain isn’t enough to ensure that others will keep up theirs. Rarely is this more true than in the daily cesspool of illicit immodesty and lust. Women are supposed to be modest in public. Men are supposed to not lust. But some (OK, most) women don’t care about modesty. And some (if not most) men think of lust as their primary form of entertainment. How does a man hold up his end of the bargain in a world of beautiful bodies just begging to come home with him in his dreams? And how does a woman hold up her end of the bargain if the male mind seems totally hardwired to lust even after women who are trying to be modest?

Recently, someone left this comment:

I am a new Christian and the idea of modesty is very confusing to me. It would seem to me that men should be able to have some control over their thoughts. I agree that a bikini is more likely to cause a man to have impure thoughts, but an impure person can have those thoughts about a nun in her habit. So, how am I to know what would not excite a man, particularly a stranger? If there are no real guidelines in the Bible, how do we know?

How DO we know? How can we be sure that our clothes leave no room for impure thoughts? How can we be absolutely positive that no one is going to lust after us, at all, ever?

We can’t.

About a year ago, I had a man obviously, disgustingly undressing me with his eyes, and guess what I was wearing? A long-sleeved, ankle-length, fairly loose fitting dress and a headcovering, with a baby strapped to my front. Men are out there who will ogle you no matter how hard you try to help them not to. Basically, if you aren’t repulsive, someone runs the risk of feeling attracted. Men don’t always hold up their end of the bargain. But that doesn’t mean that we don’t have to try to hold up ours. Thankfully, modesty is not defined by what a few random weirdos might be able to get their motors running about.

Consider the following examples: “a modest home,” “a modest income,” “Mary was modest about her achievements.”

The measure of the modesty of the home or the income is not whether or not some isolated person manages to be covetous, but whether on average, these are showy or impressive things. And the measure of Mary’s modesty about her achievements is not whether or not Sue is jealous of them, but whether or not Mary is making a big deal out of them, being sure that no one could fail to know what she had done. So apply those same principles to how we cover our beautiful, sexy, bodies, handmade by a brilliant sculptor (God). Are we dressing in a showy or impressive way? Are we making a big deal out of our curves, being sure that no one could fail to notice how enticing we are? It has to do with us. The measure of our obedience is whether or not we are flaunting our assets, NOT whether some pervert with a religious fetish manages to lust after us. We are never called on to prevent all lust. That’s not possible. Although, it is possible to help the guys who actually want help. And being modest in dress and behavior is the best help we can give our brothers, just like being cheerful ourselves helps others not to be grumpy. But if someone is determined to sin, we can’t always stop them. An angry, sour store clerk may not smile at us despite our smiling our sweetest smile at her. A nun in a habit can still be an object of of lust despite her modest clothing. The sins of others are exactly that: the sins of others. We are only called on to be modest. Modesty simply means not showing off.

What that means is going to be different for every woman because every woman has different assets. What’s especially beautiful on one, may not be that striking on another. That’s why legalistic “guidelines” are not always terribly helpful. What’s modest for one woman may be showing off for someone else. I’ve got a friend whose cleavage starts practically at her collar bone. A neckline that would be modest on most women would be showing off for her. Do you have killer legs? Maybe you should consider keeping skirts a little longer and looser. Are you full figured? You might want to think about little jackets or sweaters over your top for an extra layer. In general, ask yourself with every outfit what your motives are for wearing it, and what about you it will draw attention to. Are people going to be inclined to look at your face, or something else?

About a year ago, I wrote a post called, A Garden Enclosed: The Importance of Modesty…And Immodesty. In it, I discussed an issue that’s very near to my heart: the principle that the reason we are modest out in the world is that immodesty is so beautiful, so special, and so powerful. It is a force that feeds our marriages, thrills our husbands, and helps ensure that we produce the godly seed that the Lord says He desires (Malachi 2:15). It is a force that applied in the wrong place can be deadly, destroying purity, feeding lust, and leaving broken relationships in its wake.

Recently, a great comment was left on that post:

A question I have been pondering is how do we educate our daughters in this regard? As a young girl in a Christian home I received lots of teaching about not having sex before marriage, being modest etc. It was very hard for me to get my head around the fact that once I was married I could now be passionate and sexy without feeling bad. I want my children not to only receive “no” messages about intimacy as they grow up. How do we teach them about the “yes” messages without making it more difficult for them to remain pure?

This is so important. If we raise pure daughters by making them prudes, then we’ve crippled them. We’ve helped them save themselves for marriage without teaching them how to give themselves away when the time comes. They are treasures in a chest with no key that will have to be hacked open slowly, painfully, with frustration and disappointment. Every woman who’s had to struggle through that awful feeling of internal conflict when something that was “bad” her whole life is supposedly transformed into something “good” in the course of one afternoon just because she put on a fancy dress and got a new piece of jewelry, every one of them wants something better for her daughters.  But at the same time, every woman who watches her husband get beat up and brutalized by the daily battle for purity in an “if you’ve got it, flaunt it” world, wants her daughters to be considerate and not trash the men around her. How do we train them to be both pure  and modest in public and yet prepare them to one day be their husband’s burning fire in private?

My oldest daughter is still only five, so I cannot speak from the perspective of someone who’s walked this road all the way to the end (and I’d really love to hear from any older women out there who’ve actually raised daughters all the way to marriage), but my husband and I have given this a lot of thought, and I’m happy to share what we’re attempting to do in hopes that it sparks ideas for others.

My husband and I are taking a two-pronged approach. First, we try to tell it like it is. We believe that we cannot afford to take the easy path of ensuring our daughters’ modesty by grossing them out. “Oh dear, that nasty woman over there is showing her cleavage. Ew! We certainly don’t do that in this family.” We tell even our young children that God made our bodies beautiful, and that looking at immodest bodies is exciting, but the reason God made it that way is to bless our marriages. When we look at people we’re not married to, who are showing off their bodies in immodest ways, we’re stealing from our future spouse. We tell our children to look away from immodesty, not because it’s “yucky,” but because they need to “save their eyes.” We encourage them to be modest, not because immodesty is so “shocking” or “embarassing,” but because immodesty is “only for your husband to enjoy, not everyone else.”

Secondly, my husband and I try to be good examples to our children. Our culture is hyper-sexual, with indiscriminate use of immodesty everywhere: splashed across billboards, magazine covers, ads, fliers, even packaging (tried to buy anything for use in a swimming pool lately?). It would be easy to equate all immodesty with evil if you’re constantly inundated with the wrong uses of it. The only place our children have a chance of being exposed to godly uses of immodesty is at home. One way, we do that is at laundry folding time. Our children know that I don’t wear much to bed. We don’t go into any details about what might happen in bed. We simply say that it’s very important for husbands to get to see their wives’ bodies, and bed is a convenient time because then no one else is around who might be tempted to look at what isn’t theirs. So, out of the laundry basket comes something small and married, and I say cheerfully, “That’s one of my immodest nightgowns I wear for Daddy.” Sometimes, my older daughter will ask me why I wear immodest nightgowns for Daddy, and then I get to say, “Oh, because it’s so much fun for Daddy. God wants men to be able to enjoy their wives’ bodies.”

Now, a lot of people worry that any exposure to sexual subjects will make it harder for their children to be pure. But I think that mindset misses two important points. First, our children will be exposed to sexual things. We can’t prevent it unless we plan on moving to a desert island someplace. And the version of sexuality that the world promotes is warped, and twisted, and ungodly. We have to ask ourselves if that’s the only one we want our children to know, or if we’re willing and committed to offering an alternative.

Second, it’s going to be hard for our children to be pure. Even if we never say a word about sex, it’s going to be hard. Sex is a biological drive, like the drive to eat or sleep. By the time our daughters reach their early teen years, the vast majority of them are fertile, and let’s not ever forget what that means. It means that they have ALL the same hormones that we have. They may be pimply, they may make bad choices sometimes, they may still talk back, forget to do the dishes, or complain about a math lesson, but their bodies are just as eager to reproduce as ours are (possibly more so). If we are silent on sex, or worse yet, act embarrassed, disgusted, or like we can’t imagine its ever being even on their radar screens, we’re not discouraging our daughters from thinking about it, we’re discouraging them from talking to us about it. They need to know that we’re on their side, that we we want them to be modest and pure, not because we never want them to have sex, but because we want them to have the best sex possible: married sex, completely untainted by past experiences, lustful fantasies, or inappropriate emotional attachments.

That’s where my husband and I have come in our thinking so far. Does anyone have other ideas to share, things you’re doing to help your daughters, or ways your parents helped you? I’d love to hear about them, and I’m sure others would, too. If we want our daugters to have wonderful, healthy marriages, this is an issue we can’t afford to ignore.

OK, this one is not to be missed. If you have ever tried to go shopping for something modest to attractively cover the extra pounds gained in giving life to another human being, and wound up dragging yourself wearily from one depressing store to another, wondering who was responsible for stocking their ridiculous racks, then I Went Out to Buy a Skirt will condense all your pain into one hilarious read. Jennifer at Conversion Diary got permission from Simcha Fisher to reprint this, and I’m so glad she did. Here are some favorite quotes:

Well, except for the clean carpet, I might as well be at home. I have managed to find four outfits which are exactly like what I already own, only bigger. And anyway, I can’t wear black to a baptism! People will think I don’t like babies, and why would they think that? I giggle to myself, and my belly jiggles. Okay.

This time, when someone asks if I need help, I confess that I do. “I am looking,” I explain, “for a long skirt.”

The saleslady actually laughs.

She shows me what they do have, which is some kind of apparatus made of streamers and elastic, with tasteful iridescent sequins in the shape of sea horses. And there are also some tops, which were designed to be worn by — well, what did the designer have in mind, exactly? Prostitutes, certainly, but there is also some hint of the world of toddlers. And Elizabethan England, plus gymnastics class.

You can read the rest here.